The Haircut Song
Ray Stevens

When you get a haircut, be sure to go back home
When you get a haircut, get a barber you have known
Since you were a little bitty boy sittin' in a booster
Chair
Or you might look like Larry, Moe or Curly if a
Stranger cuts your hair

Well, Butte, Montana just a'passin' through, one thing
I just had to do
Had to get a haircut and I was worried for my hair
I had a feeling of impending doom the minute I stepped
Into that room
And laid my eyes upon that barber chair

It was a macho barber shop. Hair dryers were mounted on
A rifle rack.
Wasn't no mirrors. The barber chair was a Peterbilt...
Barber walked in;
He was huge, seven feet tall, three hundred pounds of
Spring steel and
Rawhide. Wearin' a hard hat, chewin' a cigar, had a t-
Shirt on -- said,
I hate musicians. Threw me in the chair, sneered and
Said, What'll it
Be pal? Now a lot of people would be intimidated in a
Situation like
This... I was not. I am what I am, play my piano, and
Sing my little
Songs. I looked him right in the eye and I said, I'm a
Logger - just up
From Coos Bay, Oregon. Been toppin' trees - quite
Possibly the toughest
Man in the entire world. He said, All right! He gave me
A haircut and
I walked out of there friends, my hair was gone! Made
Kojak look like
Bill Golden. Yeah, had a tremendous craving to operate
Heavy equipment.
Now, you may think that Butte, Montana haircut's the
Worst any man could
Ever get... Wrong!

Well, a few months later I was in la, truckin along on
A smoggy day
I needed a haircut so bad I looked like Bozo the Clown
I was looking shaggy, not too good, I'd put it off as
Long as I could
And Lord, I hate to get a haircut out of town

Well, I walked in immediately and realized immediately
That this guy was
Into punk rock. The walls were done in black leather.
Had chains and
Whips and handcuffs hanging on me. Barber walked in, he
Had orange hair.
Black mascara. Stainless steel teeth. Black leather
Jacket with zinc
Studs. He threw me in the chair, hit me a couple times
- whap, whap -
Chained me down, threw a Nazi flag over me. Said, I'm
Going to tell you
Something that might make you a little nervous. I
Laughed. Ha ha
Ha... I said, What could possibly make me nervous? He
Said, I'm
G**. Nooo problem. I'm not threatened in any way. I
Mean, I'm secure in
My manhood, everything is cool I am what I am, play my
Little piano,
Sing my little songs. I looked him right in the eye. I
Said, I'm a
Logger. Played football in high school. I was in the
Marine Corps. He
Said All right and he gave me a haircut. I walked out
Of there,
Friends, my hair was purple. Well, at least that Mohawk
Section down the
Middle was purple. Had a white streak down one side...
Other side looked
Like Mr. T. Had a couple safety pins in my cheeks. Felt
A teeeny bit
Conspicuous. Luckily, my next job was in San Fransisco.
Shoot, I got
There and I didn't even stand out at all. Wasn't even
Close! Those
People thought I was an insurance salesman!

Well, a few months later, I was way down south, grits
And gravy and hush
Your mouth
Hair so long I'm startin' to look like a man in drag
It was then that the sheriff walked up and said, Boy,
You got too much
Hair on your head...
You better get yourself a haircut or a dog tag!
Well, when I stepped into the shop, I realized
Immediately that I was
Dealing with a born-again barber. Don't see too many
Barber shops with a
Steeple, had an organ in the corner, a choir. An usher
Led me to the
Barber chair. Barber walked in, started saying grace,
Oh Lord, for
These haircuts we are about to receive, may we be truly
Thankful.
Dominus possum pax probiscus, post mortem, et tu brute,
Puella
Carborundum. He was sorta half-Baptist, half-
Catholic... Kind of a
Cathtist. He started cuttin' my hair and preachin' at
The same time. I
Mean he's a wild man, scissors and razors a'flyin'
Around my head, he's
Talkin'about the liquor and wild women and music and
S** and the evils
Of dancing and the music business in general. Then he
Looked down at me
And he said, What do you do for a living? Now, I'm not
Ashamed of what
I do for a livin'. Workin' bars and casinos, around
Liquor and wild
Women, I just play my piano, sing my little songs. I
Looked him right in
The eye and I said, I run this church for loggers...

When you get a haircut, be sure to go back home
When you get a haircut, get a barber you have known
Since you were a little bitty boy sittin' in a booster
Chair
Or you might look like Larry, Moe or Curly if a
Stranger cuts your hair


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Lyrics by Ray Stevens

  \   A Handshake Will Do   Ahab The Arab   Ahab The Arab Popeye and Olive Oil   All the Way   Along Came Jones   America, Communicate With Me   Bad Little Boy   Ballad Of The Blue Cyclone   Be Your Own Best Friend   Blue Christmas   Bridget the Midget   Bridget The Midget (The Queen Of The Blues)   Chickie-Chickie Wah Wah   Cholly Wolly Chang Chang   Come to the U.S.A.   Cow-Cow Boogie   Dear Andy Griffith   Erik the Awful   Everything Is Beautiful   Family Funeral Fight   Five More Steps   Fly Over Country   Freddie Feelgood   Freddie Feelgood (And His Funky Little Five Piece ...   Funny Man   Further More   Gitarzan   Hang Up and Drive   Harry the Hairy Ape   Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas   Hearts Made Of Stone   Hello Mama   Help Me Make It Through The Night   Hermit Named Dave   High School Yearbook   Hugo The Human Cannonball   I hear our President talkin   I Need Your Help, Barry Manilow   I Saw Elvis In A U.F.O.   I'll Be Home For Christmas   I'm My Own Grandpa   I'm My Own Grandpaw   I'm My Own Grandpa   If 10% Is Good Enough For Jesus   If Ten Percent Is Good Enough For Jesus   Indian Love Call   Irish Builder   It's Been So Long   It's Me Again Margaret   It's Me Again, Margaret   It's Me Again Margaret   Jack Daniels You Lied To Me Again   Jambalaya   Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick-Dissolvin...   Jingle Bells   Julius Played the Trumpet   Kings And Queens   Kiss A Pig   Kitty Cat's Revenge   Knock Him Out John   Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow   Little by Little   Little Egypt   Makin' The Best Of A Bad Situation   Makin' The Best Of A Bad Situation   Mama Sang Bass   Marion Michael Morrison   Midnight In Baghdad   Missippi Squirel Revival   Mississippi Squirrel Revival   Mississippi Squirrel Revival (1985)   Misty   Moonlight Special   Mr Businessman   Mr. Businessman   My Dad   Nashville   Nightmare Before Christmas   Obama Nation   Osama Yo Mama   Osama Yo' Mama (Alternate Version)   Osama-Yo-Mama   Over the Rainbow   Pfc Rhythm and Blues Jones   Purple People Eater   Rang Tang Ding Dong I'm The Japanese Sandman   Rock and Roll Show   Rockin' Boppin' Waltz   Safe at Home   Sant Claus Is Watching You   Santa Claus Is Watching You   Santa Claus Is Watching You   Santa Clause Is Watching You   Saturday Night at the Movie   Scratch My Back (I Love It)   Sergeant Preston Of The Yukon   Sgt Preston Of The Yukon   She Belongs To Me   She Came in Through the Bathroom Window   Shriner's Convention   Shriner's Convention (1980)   Shriner's Convention   Silver Bracelet   Sittin' Up with the Dead   Sittin' Up With The Dead   Solar Powered Song   Southern Air   Speed Ball   Stand Up   Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down   Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down   Sunday Morning Comin' Down   Surfin' U. S. S. R.   Surfin' U. S. S. R.   Thank You   That's What She Means To Me   The Ballad of the Blue Cyclone   The Ballad of the Blue Cyclone (The Beginning)   The Ballad of the Blue Cyclone (The End?)   The Baptism of Stumpy Brown   The Battle Of New Orleans   The Camping Trip   The Cat Song   The Deoderant Song   The Deodorant Song   The Fool on the Hill   The Global Warming Song   The Mississippi Squirell Revival   The Pirate Song   The Preacher And The Bear   The Streak   The Streak (1974)   The Tender Trap   There Must Be A Pill For This   Three Fractured Factions   Throw The Bums Out   Too Drunk to Fish   Turn Your Radio On   Unwind   Vacation Bible School   Virgil And The Moonshot   Walkin' the Dog   We Are The Government   We The People   What Would I Do Without You   Who Do You Love?   Would Jesus Wear a Rolex   Xerox Xmas Letter   Yakety Yak   You Are So Beautiful   Young Love   Your Bozo's Back Again   Your Bozo's Back Again

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R. I  Cut Your Hair - Pavement  Grow Up! (Blah, blah, blah) - Bratz  Mary Had a Little Lamb - David Tanny  Ink Stains - Regina Spektor  Lions - Patrice  Ink Stains (All the Holocaust Deniers)...  Slide Show - Travis  The Last Thing - Christian Death  dance - Werle & Stankowski  Infomercial (Interlude) - KJ-52  Stay In School - Otis Redding  I Want My Hat Back - Digger  Mr. Guder - The Carpenters  This Is My Haircut - 54-40  Mick Mcmanus' Haircut - Chumbawamba  The Most Immaculate Haircut - Metronomy  Late Night People Watching - Crywank  34. Mick McManus' Haircut - Chumbawamba  I Took a Long Hard Look - Belle & Sebastian  I Took A Long Hard Look - Belle and Sebastian  Blue Boy - Mac Demarco  In Another Time - NQ Arbuckle  Everybody Wants To Know - Stina Tweeddale  Cookin' - Pete Townshend  Cookin' - Pete Townshend  Stay In School (Radio Spot) - Otis Redding  Wasted Summers - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones  Baby Body - Youth Group  Tramp - Otis & Carla  Tramp - Carla Thomas  Tramp (With Carla Thomas) - Otis Redding  Tramp - Otis Redding  Tramp - Buddy Guy  Kid Steps Out Into The Road - Richmond Fontaine  Loser Cop - Therapy?  Assholes - The Damnwells  Aberdeen 1987 - The Xcerts  He-Man - Bondage Fairies  I've Been Having Some Strange Dreams...  Scene But Not Heard - Lardpony  Curse You All Kids - Transistor Transistor  Dennis' Problem - D.R.I.  Umbrella - Unwise  New Shoes - Beyonce Knowles  Art Fag - Anal Cunt  Being Around - Lemonheads  Cute Sushi Lunches - Sneaker Pimps  Spook Pery Happenings In The Snooker Hall...  Sheep Go To Heaven - Cake  New Shoes - Beyonce  New Shoes - Beyoncé  Barbershop - AKUDAMA  That Boy That Girl - Hadouken!  Debussy and Me - Sugarplastic  Sven Sven Sven - Bell And Spurling  If U Got Some Magic - Rademacher  #1 Hit - Cro(w)s  50 Year Storm - Graf Orlock  Small Town Celebrity - Verona Grove  Barber Shop - Tom Waits  Barber Shop - Waits Tom  Uniforms - In My Rosary  SHOOTING DIRTY POOL - The Replacements  Sean - Foo Fighters  Take That Situation - Haircut 100  Blue Hat for a Blue Day - Haircut 100  Whistle Down the Wind - Haircut 100  Favourite Shirts (Boys Meets Girl) - Haircut 100  Fantasy Day - Haircut 100  Too Up, Two Down - Haircut 100  40-40 Home - Haircut 100  Favourite Shirt - Haircut 100  Kingsize - Haircut 100  King Size (You're My Little Steam Whistle)...  Immaterial - Haircut 100  Kingsize (You're My Little Steam Whistle)...  Calling Captain Autumn - Haircut 100  Marine Boy - Haircut 100  Love Plus One - Haircut 100  Infatuation - Haircut 100  Prime Time - Haircut 100  So Tired - Haircut 100  Fantastic Day - Haircut 100  Fish In A Bowl - Haircut 100  Milk Film - Haircut 100  High Noon - Haircut 100  Baked Bean - Haircut 100  Love's Got Me In Triangles - Haircut 100  Lemon Firebrigade - Haircut 100  Surprise Me Again - Haircut 100  Benefit Of The Doubt - Haircut 100  Where Do You Run To Now? - Haircut 100  Favourite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl) - Haircut 100  Snow Girl - Haircut 100  Hidden Years - Haircut 100  40 - 40 Home - Haircut 100  Favourite Shirts - Haircut 100  New Shoes - Beyoncé  Even Shel Silverstein Hates Your Haircut...  Fashion Fascism - Bajinda Behind the Enemy Lines   Shake Off Your Nerve - The Recoys  Granny Grunt - Royal Trux  Downtown - Diego's Umbrella  What's He Got? - Graham Coxon  Two Way Action - Andrew Bird's Bowl Of Fire  Dakota The Name Vs. Dakota The State...  My Boy Flat Top - Boyd Bennett  My Boy Flat Top - Boyd Bennett & His Rockets  Two Way Action - Andrew Bird  Extreme Noise Terror Is Afraid Of Us - Anal Cunt  Chairman Mao - Robert Wyatt  Chairman Mao - Don Cherry  Chairman Mao [Live] - Charlie Haden  Chairman Mao - Charlie Haden  Present Day Memories - Mike Park  After The Garden - Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young  Superstar - Hadouken!  Psychological (Alter Ego Remix) - Pet Shop Boys  First Flight to the Moon - Egghead  Back Home - Mike Posner  Kaputchawoonga - Plans And Apologies  Million Dollar Man - Gucci Mane  So Futuristic - Figurine  Sheep Go To Heaven (Karaoke) - Cake  She Loves A Puppet - Eels  The Motto (Remix) - Gucci Mane  Private Thoughts - Elle Milano  Make Way For The Genius To Appear - Boat  The Culture At the Time (Saturday) - Decomposure  Where the Hell is Bill? - Camper Van Beethoven  I Am A Rock - Jessie Farrell  I Am A Rock - Farrell Jessie  Eulogy - Hanalei  Horse - Brianna Lea Pruett