I am a simple goat, I live on the back of a pick-up truckThe old man tied me here with a 3-foot ropeAm I happy he don't give a fuckHey goat, I'm gonna beat your head in with a hickory stickSometimes he uses his fistsHe's filled with anger, and filled with rageAnd tells me I smell like pissHis drink, Jimmy Bean, his chaser, a bearAfter that, various alcoholsThat's when the beatings get so severeAsleep I pray he fallsBut don't feel sorry for meThings weren't always this badWhy, when I was a young talking goatThe old man was just like my dadI come from the hills of EuropeThat's where I met the old manHe was lost in the woods, I gave him directionsHe gave me a tuna canThen he stopped in his tracks and he said, Hey goatWould you like to live with me?I've got a house with a pick-up truckIn a place across the seaI said, Sure, why not, I've got no familyYou seem like a nice guySo we went off to AmericaThe home of the apple pieOn the boat, the old man told meI would be a present for his wifeA talking goat, he exclaimedShe'd never seen this in her life, I felt so specialWell, I just couldn't believe itAfter all these years I finally had a friendHe trimmed my beard, he scraped my hoovesI prayed it would never endBut when we got to his house, there was no wifeOnly a short, short letterIt said, I'm leaving you for your brotherBecause he fucks me betterHis eyes filled with tears of sadnessHis heart was filled with griefTo soothe himself he drank a pint of Old GranddadAnd beat me like a side of beefI screamed, Send me back to the hills of EuropeHe just shook his head and said, NopeNo one will ever leave me againTo make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking ropePresent day, I've been on the truck for 51 yearsMy only friend is the am radioSometimes the neighborhood children stop byBut it's always rocks and beer bottles they throwAt first they're excited to see a talking goatThey gather around to hear what I have to sayBut I guess sometimes my stories go on too longSo they leave and giggle I need a bidetBut you know there was a night that I did get off the truckWhen the old man was passed out drunkThree neighborhood kids took me to a rock 'n' roll concertThe kind of music, old-school funkIt was the first time I got off the truck the music made me lose controlThe lead singer asked if we were having funI said, Fucking crank that rock 'n' rollThe women at the show were beautifulAs they danced sexily on the soft grassOne of them even petted my fur, fuck me in the goat-assThen some long-haired guys grabbed me by the hornsAnd threw me in the mosh pitThey passed me around and treated me niceTill I nervously sprayed them with shitThen the music stopped and everything was quiteAnd all the rock 'n' rollers started a fucking goat-riotKill the goat, kill the goatKill the goat, kill the goatThey chased me under the bleachersThey chased me onto the streetThey chased me into an alleyAnd said, I was a dead fucking goat meatBut then I saw a sight that I never thought I'd seeThe old man swinging his hickory stickBut he wasn't swinging at meFuck you, pot-smoking turkeys don't you press your luckThe long hairs ran away screaming as I scrambled onto the truckWhen we got home, the old man said, Goat, you broke the sacred lawNo, please, sorry, shitI'll let it go this time, but if you leave again I'll break your fucking jawSuper, great, okayThank you old man, for saving my lifeThank you again and againYou could have let them barbecue meBut you acted like a friendI'm not your friend, I don't even like you I'm just not drunk, he saidTo prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcoholAnd beat the fucking shit out of my headOw, ow, you're hurting me old manThat night I served a concussionDeep inside my goat brainI still cannot feel my tail boneAnd I'll probably never walk straight again, yeahI guess you'd call me a scapegoatA punching bag for the old man to mockJust because his wife left himFor his brother's abnormally large cockHe could have been my buddyBut instead he's a crazy old fuckAnd once again, I go to sleep in my eternal homeThe back of the pick-up truckGoodnight, old manYeah, goodnight goat
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