Calling Home
Adam Sandler

I'm okay at basketball... baseball was more my thing....

Well, uh, I think they have a pickup game goin on at 10 AM tomorrow
morning in the main gym for us freshmen

You playin?

It's a co-ed game, so it's a good chance to see some hungover chicks run
up and down the court, watch their titties bounce, and hopefully have them
back up into your morning dick wood while you D up...

That could be nice

You wanna head over to that frat party and start shotgunning some beers?

Just give me a few minutes, I gotta call my family, tell em I'm all
situated here...

Good deal... I'll be in the bathroom whackin it

(phone dials and rings)
...that's because Mrs. Snidel had her eyebrows and babushka lasered
off, hello?

Hey mom, I'm at school, I'm all moved in, everything's great...

Oh, wonderful... what side of the room did you take?

You mean left or right or... what do you mean?

What side of the room? Did you go window or electrical outlet?

There's, like, five outlets and the window's in the middle of me and
my roommate...

Oh, so everyone wins, how nice... Does your roommate do ecstasy or
snort heroine?

I didn't ask him, mom...

Well, if he does, tell him you're not interested... Not because you're a
nerd, but say it gives you bad diareah(?)

Okay, ma, sounds good...

Yeah!

I gotta get goin, there's an orientation party that's mandatory for
freshmen to attend...

Oh, you should bring cupcakes... When you hand them out to the other
kids, you say 'hi, my name's Tyler, here's to a sweet first year at
college!'

Uh... okay...

You won't, but you should

I will next time... say hi to everybody for me, mom...

You say hello! It'll take you two seconds! They're all at the dinner table
dying to talk to you... Everyone, Tyler's on the phone!

(background)
Man: Hey, hey, hey! Mr. College!
Woman:Who's on the phone?
Mom:Tyler, mom!
Other Man:Let me talk to the superstar!
Mom: Okay, here's your brother!
Other Man:Thanks, mumsy... Hey shitstains, how's it hangin?

Not bad, Pete... It's pretty awesome here...

You gettin laid yet?

Nah, just unpacked...

But I'm sure you found time to smoke a few dicks and lick a few asses, right?

Nooo...

How's the dining hall? Full of tasty beaver?

Yeah, there were a lot of cute girls... and the food wasn't too bad, either..
they actually served chicken parmigian...

Why don't you slap some of that parmigian cheese on a big fat pair of
college jugs and have them for dinner, you fuckin dickwacker?

I'll work on that...

DER! Anyways, I talked to a couple of my landscaping buddies and we
figured that we got a long weekend with you in early Rocktober, cause
Ronnie James Dio is playin up there...

Oh, okay...

Tell your roommate I got his bed

Uh, you can sleep in my bed

That's where Fitz is sleepin, you fuckin asshole!

Man:Hey, I just wanna say hello! Give me the phone!
Pete:Alright, dad! Sorry I didn't go to college like Alfred Einstein here, but
I'm a person too!
Dad:Just give me the phone, moron... How you doin kiddo?

Good, dad...

You enjoyin your freedom?

Yeah...

Don't get anyone pregnant...

I won't...

Okay... here's your grandma

Dad, I don't have time!

Dad:Say hello, there...
Grandma:Who is it? The ladies from the classical shop?
Pete:No grandma, it's the pharmacy
Grandma:Oh, good! Hi, Dimitri, did the cream for my vaginal warts
come in? Cause, like, we're talkin about they're starting to spread
towards the anus...
Pete:Hahahahaha!

Grandma, it's not Dimitri, it's Tyler...

Oh, hi, Bubbie... why aren't you here? We're getting ready to eat!

Grandma, we talked this morning, remember? I went away to school...

Oh, how marvelous! Well, don't study too much or you'll drive yourself
bananas! Take some time for yourself too

Thanks, grandma, I will

College is supposed to be fun!

Yeah...

I had my first gal on gal experience in college!

Ooh...

Dee Snyder was her name... too much hair downstairs... not for me!

That's nice, grandma...

Alright, don't pierce your nipples!

I won't...

Pete:You didn't know grandma dyked out before, did ya?

No, fortunately she never told me...

Have fun gettin that image out of your head tonight when you beat your meat!

Thanks...

Uh oh, dude! Someone else wants to say hello!
(fart)
Hahahahaha! Did you hear that beef?

Yeah, nice job...

Four straight seconds! Let's hear you rip one that long!

I can't...

Damn right, you can't! Cause they don't teach that in one of your stupid
books! You're either born with it or you're not!

Yeah, you got the magic...

(doorbell)
Hold on a second, dildo, someone's at the door...

I can't hold on, I have to go!

Mom:Coming, just let me put the dog downstairs! Okay!
(Door opens)

You gotta be kidding me....

Man:Hello, there...
Mom:Bernie! What brings you over here?
Bernie:I'm just returning the power drill Walter lent me last week
Dad:That's not my drill, Bernie!
Bernie:Well, I guess it's mine! May I eat now?
Mom:Oh, that's why you came over...
Bernie:Yes...
Dad:Terrific, come join us... Pete, go get Bernie a folding chair from the closet!
Pete:Why can't grandma?
Dad:Just do it!
Bernie:Thank you, Walter... Hello, Yeta, how's your health?
Grandma:My labia lips itch, but other than that, I'm fine... knock on wood!
Dad:See, Yeta? The fake wood leg comes in handy!
Grandma:True dat!
(Everyone laughs)

Hello? I have to go!!!

Pete:Sit down, Mr. Fetterman... but don't crush that big hog of yours!
Bernie:Pardon me?
Pete:I said Tyler's on the horn from college
Bernie:Quickly, give me the phone! (sniff) Why does this phone smell so
bad?
Pete:I dunno... I didn't fart in it! But I think my grandma crapped herself...
Bernie:Oh, okay.. Tyler, it's Mr. Fetterman!

Hey, Mr. Fetterman, how you doin?

Do you have a roommate, Tyler?

Yeah, I do...

I must speak to him immediately

He's in the bathroom...

Go get him and bring him to me, now!

Okay... (knock) Hey Brandon!

Brandon:Hold on a second! Come on, Oprah... Let me cum in your
bellybutton! Ohmygod! Oh! love it... (flush) Yeah? What's up?

Could you do me a favor and talk to somebody for a minute?

Yeah, sure... Hello?

Bernie: Hello to you, my friend!

Who dis?

The question isn't who I am, the question is who are you?

Um... What does that mean?

It means you can't escape the truth! What are your plans? To turn Tyler
into a giant recording machine so you that you can take my thoughts to
your leader?

Uh... Come again?

What is your real name? Where do you hail from?

Uh, Brandon Seikz, Im from Oceanside, Long Island...

How dumb do you think I am? Your name is 4-7 and you are a robot made
in a factory on the planet Yumnatz!

Really?

I know this because I too have radar!

I see...

We can make this easy or we can make this intensely difficult... The choice
is yours...

Umm... I'll go with not difficult...

Fine... then pass this message along to your leader... I know about the
pidgeons, so that's not gonna work anymore! I also have buried the blender
in the backyard so better luck next time! I am not an amateur!

Did not say you were...

Let's call it a truce, or let's call it the end of mankind as we know it! Either
way, fuck you! Are we clear, 4-7?

Oh, I get it... I'm on the radio!

Then the message has been sent!

Tyler:Just give me the phone, Brandon...
Brandon:Nice talkin to yall!
Bernie:Die, alien!
Tyler:Sorry bout that, dude...
Brandon:Not a problem!
Tyler:Don't worry, Mr. Fetterman, I got everything under control

I know you do, Tyler, and if he causes any trouble just pull his battery
pack, that'll take him out of the game...

Good deal... Let me just say goodbye to my mother...

Right... and remember, no glove no love, alright?

Yeah, I'll remember that...

Nancy!

Pete:Hey, fuckface! Have fun telling ghost stories tonight with your new
pussy friends!

I will...

Suck a hairy nipple! Here, mumsy!

Mom:Stop cursing!
Pete:I wasn't, mom!
Mom:Just go play with your cock and balls...
Pete:Right away, mom...

Alright, baby, did you remember to bring your dandruff shampoo?

Yeah, I did, mom...

Take the label off if you're embarrassed for your roommate to see it...

I will..

Okay, go have fun at the mixer... call us when you get back to your room

Call ya? It's probly gonna be late, ma!

That's no problem, we'll all wait up, bye bye! (click)

Man, my family aint easy to deal with sometimes...

Nobodys is!

What, your family's a little nutty also?

Oh yes... Ya know? I should actually give them a call, too, let em know
I'm okay...

You got it, I'll be in the bathroom whackin it to my grandma eating out
Dee Snyder...

Good deal...(dialing and ringing)

Gay Robot: Hello?

Hey dad!

Hello, son! Did you join a fraternity yet?

I'm workin on it

Well, when you do, I'll come visit so I can fuck all your new brothers!

You're too horny, dad!

True dat!

Hahahahaha
Hahahahaha

Good times...

Great times...


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Lyrics by Adam Sandler

  Girl   Hot Water Burn Baby   I Ran Over The Taco Bell Dog   I Will Go Back To School   Leabing Song Part II   Like A Hurricane   Masturbata   Medium Pace   Memory Lane   Mother's Day Song   Moyda   My Little Chicken   Sid & Alex   Somebody Kill Me   The Beating Of A High School Spanish Teacher   The Buffoon & The Dean Of Admissions   The Buffoon And The Valedictorian   The Chanukah Song Pt. 3   The Cheerleader   The Excited Southerner Proposes To A Girl   The Goat   The Hypnotist   The Lonesome Kicker   The Longest Pee   The Peeper   The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie   The Taliban Can   The Thanksgiving Song   Three Cheers For Ottawa (Go Leafs Go)   Welcome My Son   What The Hell Happened To Me?   Zittly Van Zittles   50 Ways To Get Bin Laden   50 Ways To Get Bin Laden   7 Foot Man   7 Foot Man   A Christmas Song   Assistant Principal's Big Day   Assistant Principal's Big Day   At A Medium Pace   At A Medium Pace   At The Mall (feat. Kevin Grady)   Baby Got Jack   Bad boy friend   Bad Boyfriend   Best Friend   Billy Madison's Victory Song   Buddy   Buddy   Buddy[Moving Train]   Bum Biddy   Camp Granada   Champion   Chanukah Song Part 2   Chanukah Song Part II   Chanunak Song   Cool Guy 1   Cool Guy 1   Cool Guy 2   Cool Guy 2   Cool Guy 3   Cool Guy 3   Cool Guy 4   Cool Guy 4   Cool Guy 5   Cool Guy 5   Cordurory Blues   Corduroy Blues   Crazy Love   Crazy Love   Creepin' On The Mayor   Creepin' On The Mayor   Dancin' And Pantsin'   Dancin' And Pantsin'   Davey's Song   Davey's Song   Davey's Song   Dee Wee (My Friend The Massive Idiot)   Dee Wee (My Friend the Massive Idiot)   Dip Doodle   Dip Doodle   Do It For Mama   Do It For Your Mama   Fatty mc gee   Fatty Mcgee   Fatty Mcgee   Food Innuendo Guy   Food Innuendo Guy   Food Inuendo Guy   Forgetful Lucy   Forgetful Lucy   Four year sold   Four Years Old   Frogetful   Gay Robot   George Simmons Soon Will Be Gone   Girl   Girl   Good ol' David Letterman   Grow Old With You   Grow Old With You   Hanukkah Song Part One   Hanukkah Song Part Two   Haunaka   Hot Water Burn Baby   Hot Water Burn Baby   I Ran Over The Taco Bell Dog   I Ran Over The Taco Bell Dog   I Wanna Grow Old With You   I Wanna Grow Old With You   I Will Go Back To School   I Will Go Back To School   I'm So Wasted   I'm So Wasted   Inner Voice   Inner Voice   Intervention Song   Intervention Song   Joining The Cult   Joining The Cult   Kermet And Big Bird Stoned   Leabing Song Part II   Leabing Song Part II   Like A Hurricane   Like A Hurricane   Listen into the radio   Listenin' To The Radio   Listenin' To The Radio   Long Ago   Long Ago   Love Stinks   Lunchlady Land   Lunchlady Land   Masturbata   Masturbata   Medium Pace   Medium Pace   Memor lane   Memory Lane   Memory Lane   Mother's Day Song   Mother's Day Song   Mother's Day Song   Moyda   Mr. 'I Do' and the Doo Doos   Mr. Bake-o   Mr. Bake-O   Mr. Spindel's Phone Call   Mr. Spindel's Phone Call   My Little Chicken   My Little Chicken   Newlyweds, Sleepyheads   Ode to My Car   Ode to My Car   Oh Mom...   Oh Mom...   Operman   Patch Song   Pibb Goes Surfing   Pibb Needs the Hot Rocks   Pibb Takes the Mexican ATV Tour   Pibb Tries the Skateboarding   Pickin' Daisies   Pickin' Daisies   Piece Of Shit Car   Pot Head Anthem   Real Love   Red Hooded Sweatshirt   Respect   Retarded Burger King Song   Retarded Burger King Song   Right Field   Right Field   Santa Song   Santa Song   Secret   Sex Or Weight Lifting   She Comes Home To Me   She Comes Home To Me   Sid & Alex   Sid & Alex   Somebody Kill Me   Somebody Kill Me   Stan the Man   Steve Polychronopolous   Steve Polychronopolous   Stoned On Sesame Street   Summer Love   Sun Tan Lotion Song   Sweat Beatrice   Sweet Beatrice   Technical Foul   Technical Foul   Teenage Love On The Phone   Teenage Love On The Phone   Thanksgiving Song   The Adventures Of The Cow   The Adventures Of The Cow   The Amazing Willy Wanker   The Beating Of A High School Bus Driver   The Beating Of A High School Bus Driver   The Beating Of A High School Janitor   The Beating Of A High School Janitor   The Beating Of A High School Science Teacher   The Beating of a High School Science Teacher   The Beating Of A High School Spanish Teacher   The Beating Of A High School Spanish Teacher   The Beer Song   The Boss and the Secretary   The Buffoon & The Dean Of Admissions   The Buffoon & The Dean Of Admissions   The Buffoon And The Dean Of Admissions   The Buffoon And The Dean Of Admissions   The Buffoon And The Valedictorian   The Buffoon And The Valedictorian   The Champion   The Chanuka Song   The Chanukah Song   The Chanukah Song (ii)   The Chanukah Song Part II   The Chanukah Song Part III   The Chanukah Song Pt. 3   The Chanukah Song, Part 3   The Cheerleader   The Cheerleader   The Excited Southerner At A Job Interview   The Excited Southerner At A Job Interview   The Excited Southerner Gets Pulled Over   The Excited Southerner Gets Pulled Over   The Excited Southerner Meets Mel Gibson   The Excited Southerner Meets Mel Gibson   The Excited Southerner Orders A Meal   The Excited Southerner Orders A Meal   The Excited Southerner Proposes To A Girl   The Excited Southerner Proposes To A Woman   The Goat   The Goat   The Goat Song   The Grandma Song   The Hannukah Oing   The Hanukkah Song   The Hypnotist   The Hypnotist   The Kangaroo Song   The lone some kicker   The Lonesome Kicker   The Longest Pee   The Longest Pee   The Mayor of Pussytown   The Mule Session   The New Chanukah Song   The Peeper   The Peeper   The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie   The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie   The Respect Chant   The Taliban Can   The Taliban Can   The thanks giving song   The Thanksgiving Song   The Thanksgiving Song   The Thanksgiving Song Performed By Adam Sandler   Three Cheers For Ottawa (Go Leafs Go)   Three Cheers For Ottawa (Go Leafs Go)   Toll Booth Willie   Toll Booth Willie   Voodoo   Welcome My Son   Welcome My Son   What The Hell Happened To Me   What The Hell Happened To Me?   What The Hell Happened To Me?   Whitey   Whore! Where Are You?!   Zittly Van Zittles

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