[typing sounds]
[Dr. Stewart:] Hi, [I'm] Dr. Stewart.
[Gary Phelps:] Hi, Dr. Stewart. Nice to meet you -- I'm Gary Phelps.
[Dr. Stewart:] My pleasure. Gary, have you ever been hypnotized before?
[Gary Phelps:] No, I haven't. I'm actually quite nervous, but I just, uh, I --
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, and you were referred to me by anyone...?
[Gary Phelps:] To be honest with you,
I saw your name in the Yellow Pages,
And It said you're good at this stuff, so I just,
I gotta give it a shot, just kick this whole cigarette thing...
[Dr. Stewart:] So smoking is your problem?
[Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I can't stop smoking and it's --
It's finally, like, affecting everything I do,
I can't run, I can't play basketball and all that stuff like that, so I,
I gotta give it up.
[Dr. Stewart:] How long have you smoked, Gary?
[Gary Phelps:] Uh, I started when I was eleven years old, and I just can't kick it, you know?
[Dr. Stewart:] Yeah, right. [small, barely noticeable fart]
All right, Gary, why don't you just have a seat here and sit down and just relax --
What I do is hypnosis.
[Gary Phelps:] Right.
[Dr. Stewart:] Basically I just want you to sit back and relax --
Let yourself sit back and relax and sink into the chair, and ,
Um, just feel comfortable and trust me.
[bigger fart]
[Gary Phelps: noticing fart sound] Uh...
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it.
[Gary Phelps:] O-kay....
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it.
[Gary Phelps:] That was...o-kay...
[Dr. Stewart:] All right? Okay. Gary, I want you to close your eyes,
And I just want you to again relax and try to concentrate on nothing.
Okay? That's it. Now I'm gonna count backwards from five to zero --
[Gary Phelps:] Right.
[Dr. Stewart:] -- and I just want you to relax, and you're going to fall into a deep state of mind --
Of subconsciousness -- you're very comfortable,
I'll be counting back from five, I just want you to relax,
And just think of nothing.
[three farts in succession]
[Gary Phelps:] Are you gonna keep doing that, or...?
[Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Just concentrate now. That's it.
Close your eyes. Keep your eyes closed. Okay. Now.
We're very comfortable.
Five [small fart], we're thinking of nothing except being comfortable
And nothing's bothering us. Okay.
When I say the word relax, listen to me, you're sinking, you're sinking, [medium fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my god...that was, uh....are you gonna keep doing that?
[Dr. Stewart:] Please just try to relax; that wasn't me. Okay.
You're very stressed -- you're very stressed.
Okay, four, we're relaxing, we're relaxing, you're very comfortable,
You're very, very soothed. Okay. Four, three...[fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my dear god, sir...uh, I can't...
[Dr. Stewart:] That was the couch. I know it sounded like -- it's --
The vinyl -- it's a new couch -- please, just try and concentrate.
Okay. And we're very sleepy, we're relaxed, thinking nothing bothers us,
Nothing bothers us -- [several farts]
[Gary Phelps:] Uh, um, all right, could you open a window, maybe?
I'm just having a tough time concentrating --
[Dr. Stewart:] Hmm? Here we go -- there, there, we're relaxing, we're relaxing
[fart and cough together] three, two, two --
[Gary Phelps:] I was just going to ask you if you could maybe stop doing that.
I can't concentrate when you're doing that.
[Dr. Stewart:] This is what I do. It's a counting-down thing.
We're relaxing now. Just relax -- let it go,
Don't focus on anything else, just concentrate on what we're doing here.
Three, two, relax, relax, that's it, just relax [fart], we're relaxing now --
[Gary Phelps:] Okay -- you're gonna -- that one was --
It's getting a little irritating --
[Dr. Stewart:] Hang on just a second here.
Let me just step out a second here.
[Gary Phelps:] That'd be good.
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, and we're relaxing,
As I leave, we're relaxing, still relaxing,
[fart in the distance]
[Gary Phelps:] Jesus...Oh my God.
[Dr. Stewart:] We're relaxing.
[Gary Phelps: trying hard not to laugh]
[Dr. Stewart:] Okay, I'm back, we're relaxing, and we're counting down,
We're to two, and all we're thinking about is healthy, fresh air.
Freshness. Breathing in. Breathing in deep, letting out. [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Sir, I'd appreciate if you could stop 'letting it out'.
But okay, okay, fine, thank you.
[Dr. Stewart:] That's it, you're all right, everything's good.
All right, you feel very comfortable, you're sinking into the chair,
We're relaxing, one [long fart], and we're coming down to zero and --
[Gary Phelps:] Oh my god, uh...yes, all right, it was nothing...
[Dr. Stewart:] No, no, that time that was you.
[Gary Phelps:] That wasn't me!
[Dr. Stewart: We're not here to pick sides, we're not here to pick sides, that was you, and maybe we could deal with this in another session, but right now we're dealing with the smoking, and, um, let's not worry about anything else that's going down --
[Gary Phelps: OK, I've just gotta kick this habit.
[Dr. Stewart: Down to zero, relaxing, we're going to feel very fresh [fart], we're going to feel very healthy [fart], and let's take a nice, deep breath --
[Gary Phelps: I can't breathe, sir, uh, I'm sorry, I just -- [squirty fart]
[Gary Phelps: Oh my god -- what did you eat? It smells like baby food --
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, we're relaxing --
That one probably squirted out a little into the pants,
But we'll just continue with thte floating [fart] --
Yeah, that was definitely a squirt --
But here we go, one, zero, we are under.
Are you relaxed?
[Gary Phelps:] Yeah, I'm under, I guess.
[Dr. Stewart:] Here we go, relaxing, relaxing.
You're under a deep trance, you will not smoke anymore,
You will just feel healthy from now on, and you'll be breathing in nothing
But fresh air, and you will not smell anything in this room, it wasn't me,
It wasn't me farting [fart] -- that was not me --
[Gary Phelps: hysterically laughing under his breath]
You're gonna have to stop doing that, sir. It's just very hard for me to listen to you when you're --
[Dr. Stewart:] You're floating now, you're high above, you're looking down,
Nothing but fresh pastures and fields, and here we go [long fart]
[Gary Phelps:] Oh man...
[Dr. Stewart:] -- that was you,
[Gary Phelps:] That was not me, sir! I'm watching you!
[Dr. Stewart:] That was you, and when you wake up, you will not remember any of this, except that it was you, or my receptionist, don't worry, she gets it all the time. All right -- you smell nothing; I'm perfectly clean. I have no bad gas; it was all from outside or from -- from -- you yourself. And let's not forget the smoking thing that's why you're here. No smoking. Repeat after me: I am a smelly pig.
[Gary Phelps:] What?
[Dr. Stewart:] All right, we're moving along, and we;'re relaxed. [fart]
All right, and now we're going to count back up, up one to five,
[Gary Phelps:] OK, you know, I think this is fine, I don't want to smoke...
[Dr. Stewart:] Gary, settle down, relax, and when I get to five,
You will snap out of this, and you won't remember this,
Especially the smell, the smell was from you.
All right? And here we go.
Zero, we're coming out of it, you're waking up slowly, your eyes are opening,
One, you're feeling good, and when you wake up,
You'll feel wide awake and perfect you'll feel whole and [fart] all-righty,
I ripped that one out there and I apologize.
I ripped a good one there. That was a nice out..
[Gary Phelps:] That was not nice.
[Dr. Stewart:] Here we go, and, we're coming right [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] What was that?
[Dr. Stewart:] That was three.
[Gary Phelps:] It didn't sound like three.
[Dr. Stewart:] three, I'm counting, and four, it's no smell in here, and you don't smoke, you don't want a cigarette, no, and here we go [fart] five, and -- [snap] Do you want a cigarette?
[Gary Phelps:] No I don't.
[Dr. Stewart:] Then my job is done.
[Gary Phelps: bursts into laughter]
[Dr. Stewart: fart] Please leave the door open as you leave. [fart]
[Gary Phelps:] OK, thank you, Doctor.
[typing resumes and another fart is heard]
The Hypnotist
Adam Sandler
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Lyrics by Adam Sandler
Girl
Hot Water Burn Baby
I Ran Over The Taco Bell Dog
I Will Go Back To School
Leabing Song Part II
Like A Hurricane
Masturbata
Medium Pace
Memory Lane
Mother's Day Song
Moyda
My Little Chicken
Sid & Alex
Somebody Kill Me
The Beating Of A High School Spanish Teacher
The Buffoon & The Dean Of Admissions
The Buffoon And The Valedictorian
The Chanukah Song Pt. 3
The Cheerleader
The Excited Southerner Proposes To A Girl
The Goat
The Lonesome Kicker
The Longest Pee
The Peeper
The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie
The Taliban Can
The Thanksgiving Song
Three Cheers For Ottawa (Go Leafs Go)
Welcome My Son
What The Hell Happened To Me?
Zittly Van Zittles 50 Ways To Get Bin Laden 50 Ways To Get Bin Laden 7 Foot Man 7 Foot Man A Christmas Song Assistant Principal's Big Day Assistant Principal's Big Day At A Medium Pace At A Medium Pace At The Mall (feat. Kevin Grady) Baby Got Jack Bad boy friend Bad Boyfriend Best Friend Billy Madison's Victory Song Buddy Buddy Buddy[Moving Train] Bum Biddy Calling Home Camp Granada Champion Chanukah Song Part 2 Chanukah Song Part II Chanunak Song Cool Guy 1 Cool Guy 1 Cool Guy 2 Cool Guy 2 Cool Guy 3 Cool Guy 3 Cool Guy 4 Cool Guy 4 Cool Guy 5 Cool Guy 5 Cordurory Blues Corduroy Blues Crazy Love Crazy Love Creepin' On The Mayor Creepin' On The Mayor Dancin' And Pantsin' Dancin' And Pantsin' Davey's Song Davey's Song Davey's Song Dee Wee (My Friend The Massive Idiot) Dee Wee (My Friend the Massive Idiot) Dip Doodle Dip Doodle Do It For Mama Do It For Your Mama Fatty mc gee Fatty Mcgee Fatty Mcgee Food Innuendo Guy Food Innuendo Guy Food Inuendo Guy Forgetful Lucy Forgetful Lucy Four year sold Four Years Old Frogetful Gay Robot George Simmons Soon Will Be Gone Girl Girl Good ol' David Letterman Grow Old With You Grow Old With You Hanukkah Song Part One Hanukkah Song Part Two Haunaka Hot Water Burn Baby Hot Water Burn Baby I Ran Over The Taco Bell Dog I Ran Over The Taco Bell Dog I Wanna Grow Old With You I Wanna Grow Old With You I Will Go Back To School I Will Go Back To School I'm So Wasted I'm So Wasted Inner Voice Inner Voice Intervention Song Intervention Song Joining The Cult Joining The Cult Kermet And Big Bird Stoned Leabing Song Part II Leabing Song Part II Like A Hurricane Like A Hurricane Listen into the radio Listenin' To The Radio Listenin' To The Radio Long Ago Long Ago Love Stinks Lunchlady Land Lunchlady Land Masturbata Masturbata Medium Pace Medium Pace Memor lane Memory Lane Memory Lane Mother's Day Song Mother's Day Song Mother's Day Song Moyda Mr. 'I Do' and the Doo Doos Mr. Bake-o Mr. Bake-O Mr. Spindel's Phone Call Mr. Spindel's Phone Call My Little Chicken My Little Chicken Newlyweds, Sleepyheads Ode to My Car Ode to My Car Oh Mom... Oh Mom... Operman Patch Song Pibb Goes Surfing Pibb Needs the Hot Rocks Pibb Takes the Mexican ATV Tour Pibb Tries the Skateboarding Pickin' Daisies Pickin' Daisies Piece Of Shit Car Pot Head Anthem Real Love Red Hooded Sweatshirt Respect Retarded Burger King Song Retarded Burger King Song Right Field Right Field Santa Song Santa Song Secret Sex Or Weight Lifting She Comes Home To Me She Comes Home To Me Sid & Alex Sid & Alex Somebody Kill Me Somebody Kill Me Stan the Man Steve Polychronopolous Steve Polychronopolous Stoned On Sesame Street Summer Love Sun Tan Lotion Song Sweat Beatrice Sweet Beatrice Technical Foul Technical Foul Teenage Love On The Phone Teenage Love On The Phone Thanksgiving Song The Adventures Of The Cow The Adventures Of The Cow The Amazing Willy Wanker The Beating Of A High School Bus Driver The Beating Of A High School Bus Driver The Beating Of A High School Janitor The Beating Of A High School Janitor The Beating Of A High School Science Teacher The Beating of a High School Science Teacher The Beating Of A High School Spanish Teacher The Beating Of A High School Spanish Teacher The Beer Song The Boss and the Secretary The Buffoon & The Dean Of Admissions The Buffoon & The Dean Of Admissions The Buffoon And The Dean Of Admissions The Buffoon And The Dean Of Admissions The Buffoon And The Valedictorian The Buffoon And The Valedictorian The Champion The Chanuka Song The Chanukah Song The Chanukah Song (ii) The Chanukah Song Part II The Chanukah Song Part III The Chanukah Song Pt. 3 The Chanukah Song, Part 3 The Cheerleader The Cheerleader The Excited Southerner At A Job Interview The Excited Southerner At A Job Interview The Excited Southerner Gets Pulled Over The Excited Southerner Gets Pulled Over The Excited Southerner Meets Mel Gibson The Excited Southerner Meets Mel Gibson The Excited Southerner Orders A Meal The Excited Southerner Orders A Meal The Excited Southerner Proposes To A Girl The Excited Southerner Proposes To A Woman The Goat The Goat The Goat Song The Grandma Song The Hannukah Oing The Hanukkah Song The Hypnotist The Hypnotist The Kangaroo Song The lone some kicker The Lonesome Kicker The Longest Pee The Longest Pee The Mayor of Pussytown The Mule Session The New Chanukah Song The Peeper The Peeper The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie The Respect Chant The Taliban Can The Taliban Can The thanks giving song The Thanksgiving Song The Thanksgiving Song The Thanksgiving Song Performed By Adam Sandler Three Cheers For Ottawa (Go Leafs Go) Three Cheers For Ottawa (Go Leafs Go) Toll Booth Willie Toll Booth Willie Voodoo Welcome My Son Welcome My Son What The Hell Happened To Me What The Hell Happened To Me? What The Hell Happened To Me? Whitey Whore! Where Are You?! Zittly Van Zittles
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Just Stand Up - Various Artists
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