I was settin' in Friday's suckin' on a glass of wine,When in walked this chick who almost struck me blind.She had wet blue eyes and her legs were long and fine;On a scale of one to ten, I'd give her a nine.Now, on my scale there ain't no tens, ya know.Nine is 'bout as far as any bitch can go.So I flashed her a smile, but she didn't even look at me,So for brains and good judgment I'd have to give her a three.I said, Hey, sweet thing, you look like a possible eight.You and me could make eighteen -- if your head's on straight.She looked up and down my perfect frame,Then said these word that burned into my perfect brain.She said, Well, well, another one of those macho-matician menWho grade all women on scales of one to ten.And you give me an eight? Well, that's a generous thing to do.Now, let's just see just how much I give you.You comin' on to me with that corny numbers jive,Man -- your style makes me smile, I give it a five.When you walked up, I noticed that suit you wore;It's a last-year's, double-knit, shiny-ass, frayed-cuff -- I give it a four.And that must be your car parked out on the curb;That '69 Chevy homemade convertible gets you a three and a third.Now, as for your build, I guess it's less than a five,Except for your potbelly -- I give that a ten... for size.And that wine you're pourin' might be fine to you,But I'm used to fine champagne -- I give your booze a two.It's hard to tell what your flashin' smile is worth;I give it a six -- you could use some dental work.But it's your struttin'-rooster act that really makes me laugh;It may be a ten to these country hens, but to me it's a three and a half.And there really ain't too much to add, once the subtractin's done,But since there ain't no zeroes -- I give you a one!Then she walked out, while up and down the line,The whole damn bar was laughin'. Hey, Shel, what happened to your nine?Nine? says I. Hell, soon as she started to talk, I knewThe bad-mouth bitch didn't have no class -- I barely give her a two.Yeah, no matter how good they look at first, there's flaws in all of them.That's why on a scale of ten to one, friend...there ain't no tens.
Lyrics by Shel Silverstein
(Pour Me Another) Tequila Sheila $100,000 in Pennies 25 Minutes To Go A Couple More Years A Front Row Seat To Hear Ole Johnny Sing A Front Row Seat to Hear Ole Johnny Sing [*] Acapulco Goldie Alimoney (Also recorded as "Alimony") All About You All The Time In The World Aphrodisiac Back Home In Huntsville Again Beans Taste Fine Better Not Ask Me Beware Of Lovers Bigtime Blue Eyes Boa Constrictor Bottomless Well Boy Named Sue Bread Upon The Waters Bury Me In My Shades Carry Me, Carrie Centaur Changing of the Seasons Civil War Song Cloudy Sky Cornflakes With Sugar And Teardrops Cover Of The Rolling Stone Daddy, What If? Dance To It Date In Dallas Daylight Dreamer Diet Song Dirty Feet Drain My Brain Drop The Bomb Drunk And Crazy Everybody Got Some But Me (Rauncy Playboy Version) Everybody Got Some But Me (Tame Recorded Version) Father Of A Boy Named Sue February Snow First Battalion Floobie Doobie Doo Food Blues Get Away Get My Rocks Off Go Back, Learn To Use That Thing Goodnight Little House Plant Goodnight, Little Houseplant Gotta Get Rid Of This Band Greasy Grit Gravy Grizzly Bear Hamlet As Told On The Street Handy Man Have Another Espresso Help Me, Mama Hey Nelly Nelly! Hey, Lady Godiva Hoodoo Voodoo Lady I Call That True Love I Gave Her Comfort I Got Stoned and I Missed It I Hear America Singing I Never Got To Know Her I Once Knew A Woman In The Hills of Shiloh Inside A Lion It Does Not Pay To Be Hip Jaded Jennifer Johnson and Me Judy June 25th At The 4th Of July Jungle To The Zoo Just Came Down For The Weekend Kick It Again Killed By A Coconut Kiss It Away Liberated Lady 1999 Little Green Buttons Living Legend Liz Lullabys, Legends And Lies Marie Laveaux Masochistic Baby Me And Jimmie Rodgers Mermaid Michaelangelo Midnight Sunshine Modern Talk Monterey Jack More Like The Movies Mountain Mary My Next Impersonation Never Be This Young Again Never Bite A Married Woman On The Thigh Oh, You Engineer On The Way To The Bottom Paranoid Pathetic Way Of Getting Over Me Paul Peanut Butter Sandwich Peanut-Butter Sandwich Penicillin Penny Perfect High (Or The Quest For Gimmesome Roy) Plastic Polly In A Porny Put A Little Bit On Me Put Another Log On The Fire Quaaludes Again Queen Of The Silver Dollar Raquel Welch Red-Neck Hippie Romance Rest Awhile Rings Of Grass Rock & Roll Hotel Roland The Roadie And Gertrude The Groupie Row, Row, Row Sahra Cynthia Sylvia Stout Would Not Take The Garb... Sausalito Witch Scum Of The Earth Show It At The Beach Sing Me A Rainbow Sing Us Some Of The Old Songs Six Days Back At Home So Good To So Bad Somebody Stole My Rig Someone Ate The Baby (Dreadful) Stacy Brown Got Two Standing On The Outside Of Your Shelter Still Gonna Die Sweetest Of All Testing The Bomb That Plane The Avocado Tree The Ballad of Lucy Jordan The Clam The Danger Of A Stranger The Devil And Billy Markham The Diet The Diet Song The Father Of The Boy Named Sue The Giving Tree The Golden Kiss The Great Conch Train Robbery The Great Lakes Song The Lady With The Torch The Man Who Got No Sign The Man Who Turns The Damn Thing Off And On The Mermaid The Mermaid Of Ontario The Monkey And The Elephant The Peace Proposal The Perfect Wave The Radio The Slitheree-Dee The Smoke Off The Ugliest Man in Town The Unemployment Line The Winner The Wonderful Soup Stone They Held Me Down Thirteen Tons of Ice Cream This Guitar Is For Sale Three-Legged Man Thumbsucker Time Truck Driver, Truck Driver True Story True Story [#][*] Turn On The World Ugliest Man In Town Uncle Don Up On The Mountain Vanilla Vegas Vegematic Warm And Free What Have You Dont For Me Lately? When She Cries Whiplash Will Whistlers And Jugglers With His Mouth Full Of Food Yellow-Haired Woman Yes, Mr. Rodgers Yowzah!