Your Horoscope For Today
Weird Al Yankovic

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
That the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
A special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
But let me give you my assurance that these forcasts and predictions
Are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
To be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of the is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying
If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today (that's your horoscope for today)
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today (yay yay yay yay yay)
That's your horoscope for today


  Purchase "Your Horoscope For Today"   Purchase Entire Album   Email Video to Friends   Play Youtube "Your Horoscope For Today" Video   Play Spotify "Your Horoscope For Today" Song   View Wikipedia "Your Horoscope For Today" Entry   Receive Emails for Future Weird Al Yankovic Lyrics

Email:

  Link to "Your Horoscope For Today"   Share on Facebook, Twitter, and more
  See Recommended Lyrics For You

Loading...

Lyrics by Weird Al Yankovic

  (This Song's Just) Six Words Long   1985 Food Medley - 01 - It's Moldy Now   1985 Food Medley - 02 - Doctor   1985 Food Medley - 03 - Steak Number 3   1985 Food Medley - 04 - Burger King   1985 Food Medley - 05 - Don't You Forget About Mea...   1985 Food Medley - 06 - Girls Just Want To Have Lu...   1985 Food Medley - 07 - The Rye And The Kaiser   1985 Food Medley - 08 - I Love Rocky Road   1985 Food Medley - 09 - Spameater   1985 Food Medley - 10 - I Feel Like Throwin' Up   1985 Food Medley - 11 - Avocado   1985 Food Medley - 12 - Whole Lotta Lunch   1985 Food Medley - 13 - Bologna   A Complicated Song   A Complicated Song (Parody of "Complicated" by Avr...   Aardvark   Achy Breaky Song   Addicted To Spuds   Airline Amy   Albuquerque   Alimony   Alligator   Alternative Polka   American Slob   Amish Paradise   Amish Paradise (Parody of "Gangsta's Paradise" by ...   Amish Paridise   Amoeba   Angry White Boy Polka   Angry White Boy Polka (Medley)   Another One Rides The Bus   Another One Rides the Bus [Live]   Another Tattoo   Another Tattoo [Video]   Attack Of The Radioactive Hampster From A Planet N   Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet N   Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet N...   Avocado   Baby Got Jack   Baby Likes Burping   Barney's On Fire   Barney's On Fire   Bedrock Anthem   Belvedere Cruising   Bob   Bob (best version)   Bohemian Polka   Bologna   Bomb Sadam   Born To Be Mild   Buckingham Blues   Burger King   Buy Me A Condo   Cable TV   Cabletv   Callin' In Sick   Callin\' In Sick   Callin' In Sick   Canadian Idiot   Canadian Idiot   Cat's In The Kettle   Cavity Search   Cavity Search (Parody of "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss...   Cheerios Apple Jacks Cheerios   Cheerios, Apple Jacks, Cheerios   Chewbacca What A Wookie   Chicken Pot Pie   Christmas At Ground Zero   Christmas Memories Of 'Weird Al' Yankovic   Christmas Memories Of "Weird Al" Yankovic   Christmas Memories of & Quot;Weird Al & Qu...   Christmas Memories Or Weird Al Yankovic   Close but No Cigar   Close But No Cigar   CNR   Cockroaches   Cockroachs   Confessions Part III   Confessions Part III   Confessions Part III   Constipated   Constipated (AAvril Lavigne "Complicated" parody)   Couch Potato   Cows With Guns   Craigslist   Crampton Comes Alive   Dare To Be Stupid   Dead Car Battery Blues   Do I Creep You Out   Do I Creep You Out   Dog Eat Dog   Don't Download This Song   Don't Touch That   Don't Wear Those Shoes   Don't You Forget About Meat   Don't Download This Song   Don't Touch That   Don't Wear Those Shoes   Don't You Forget About Meat   Dr. Demento Radio Promo   Dr. Demento's 15Th Anniversary Special   Dr. Demento's 15Th Anniversary Special   E-Bay   Eat It   Eat It!   Ebay   Elmo's Got A Gun   Everything You Know Is Wrong   Fast Food   Fat   Fatter   Finale   First World Problems   Flatbush Avenue   Foil   food medley as performed in 1985 - 01   food medley as performed in 1985 - 02   food medley as performed in 1985 - 03   food medley as performed in 1985 - 04   food medley as performed in 1985 - 05   food medley as performed in 1985 - 06   food medley as performed in 1985 - 07   food medley as performed in 1985 - 08   food medley as performed in 1985 - 09   food medley as performed in 1985 - 10   food medley as performed in 1985 - 11   food medley as performed in 1985 - 12   food medley as performed in 1985 - 13   Frank's 2000' Tv   Frank's 2000" Tv   Frank's 2000\" TV   Frank's 2000" Tv   Free Delivery   Fun Zone   Gandhi Ii   Gee, I'm A Nerd   Gee, I'm A Nerd   Generic Blues   Genious In France   Genius in France   George Of The Jungle   Germs   Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch   Girls Just Want to Have Lunch   Good Enough For Now   Good Old Days   Gotta Boogie   Grapefruit Diet   Grapefruit Diet (Parody of "Zoot Suit Riot" By Che...   Gravy On You   Green Eggs & Ham   Green Eggs And Ham   Gump   Gump (Parody of "Lump" by the Presidents of the Un...   Handy   Happy Birthday   Hardware Store   Harvey The Wonder Hamster   Headline News   Headline News (Version 2)   Headline News (Version 3)   Here's Johnny   Here's Johnny   Hit Me With A Rock   Holiday Greetings 1987   Holiday Greetings 1988   Homer & Marge   Homer And Marge   Hooked On Polkas   Hooker On A Corner   Hooker On Corner   Hummingbirds   I Can't Watch This   I Can't Watch This   I Feel Like Throwin' Up   I Feel Like Throwin' Up   I Hate Big Butts   I Lost On Jeopardy   I Love Rocky Road   I Remember Larry   I Think I'm A Clone Now   I Think I'm A Clone Now   I Want A New Duck   I Want It That Way   I Was Only Kidding   I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead   I'll Repair For You   I'll Repair For You ( A Theme For Home Improvement...   I'll Sue Ya   I'm Fat   I'm So Sick Of You   I\'m So Sick Of You   I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead   I'll Repair For You   I'll Sue Ya   I'm So Sick Of You   If I Could Make Love To A Bottle   If That Isn't Love   If That Isn't Love   Iguana   Im a Wigga   Im The Only Gay Eskimo   Inactive   Introduction   Introduction - Carnival Of The Animals Part Two   Isle Thing   It's All About The Pentiums   It's All About the Pentiums (An Adaptation of "It'...   It's Christmas At Ground Zero   It's Moldy Now   It's Still Billy Joel To Me   It\'s All About The Pentiums   It's All About The Pentiums   It's Moldy Now   It's Still Billy Joel To Me   Its All About The Pentiums   Jackson Park Express   Jerry Springer   Jerry Springer (Parody of "One Week" By BareNaked ...   Jurassic Park   Kidstar 1250 Radio Promotion   King Of Suede   Lame Claim To Fame   Lasagna   Laundry Day   Leisure Suit Serenade   Let Me Be Your Hog   Let's Bomb Iraq   Like A Surgeon   Livin' In The Fridge   Living With A Hernia   Llama Song   Make My Boobies 1 More Size   Make My Boobies One More Size   Matter Of Crust   Melanie   Midnight Star   Midnight Star [*]   Mission Statement   Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm   Money For Nothing, Beverly Hillbillies   Money For Nothing/Beverly Hillbillies   Mr Frump In The Iron Lung   Mr Popiel   Mr. Frump In The Iron Lung   Mr. Popeil   My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder   My Baby\'s In Love With Eddie Vedder   My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder   My Bologna   My Own Eyes   Nature Trail To Hell   Never Met A Person As Wonderful As Me   Night Santa Went Crazy   Nobody Here But Us Frogs   Now That's What I Call Polka   NOW That's What I Call Polka!   Now That's What I Call Polka   Ode to a Superhero   One More Minute   One Of Those Days   Pac Man   Pacman   Pancreas   Pancreas   Party at the Leper Colony   Party In The CIA   Party In The CIA   Perform This Way   Phoney Calls   Phony Calls   Phony Calls (Parody of "Waterfalls" by TLC)   Pigeons   Please Don't Wear Your Thong (Thong Song Parody)   Polka Face   Polka Face   Polka Face   Polka Party   Polka Party!   Polka Party!   Polka Patterns   Polka Power!   Polka Your Eyes Out   Polkamon   Polkarama!   Polkas On 45   Poodle   Pretty Fly For A Rabbi   Pretty Fly For A Rabi   RealRadio 104.1   Rice, Rice Baby   Ricky   Ringtone   Rocky Road   Rye Or The Kaiser   School Cafeteria - Version 1   School Cafeteria - Version 2   Shark   She Drives Like Crazy   She Never Told Me She Was A Mime   Since You're Been Gone   Since You've Been Gone   Since You've Been Gone - Live   Since You\'ve Been Gone   Since You've Been Gone   Six Words Long   Skipper Dan   Slime Creatures From Outer Space   Smells Like Nirvana   Smoke A Bowl   Smoke A Bowl (Coca Cola Parody)   Snack All Night   Snails   Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut   Spam   Spameater   Spatula City   Sports Song   Spy Hard   Spy Hard (theme From The Motion Picture Spy Hard)   Star Wars Cantina   Star Wars Copa Cabana   Star Wars Gangsta Rap   Star Wars Gangster Rap   Star Wars: The Saga Begins   Steak Number 3   Stop Draggin' My Car Around   Stop Draggin' My Car Around   Stop Dragging My Car Around   Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me   Stuck In A Closet With Vanna White   Such A Groovy Guy   Syndicated Inc.   Syndicated Inc. (Parody of "Misery" by Soul Asylum...   Tacky   Taco Grande   Take Me Down   Take Me To The Liver   Take The "L" Out Of Liver   Talk Soup   That Boy could Dance   The Alternative Polka   The Backwards Section From Nature Trail To Hell   The Ballad Of Kent Marlow   The Beer Song   The Beverly Hillbillies Miss You   The Biggest Ball Of Twine In Minnesota   The Brady Bunch   The Check's In The Mail   The Check's In The Mail   The Devil Went Down To Jamaica   The Hot Rocks Polka   The Jedi song   The Night Santa Went Crazy   The Night Santa Went Crazy (Extra Gory Version)   The Night Santa Went Crazy (Extra Gory)   The Plumbing Song   The Rye And The Kaiser   The Saga Begins   The Saga Begins (american Pie Adaptiton)   The Saga Begins (Lyrical Adaption of "American Pie...   The Weird Al Show Theme   The White Stuff   The Yoda Chant   Theme From Rocky XIII   Theme from Rocky XIII (The Rye or the Kaiser)   Theme from Rocky XIII (The Rye or the Kaiser)   This Is The Life   Title of The Song in Question   TMZ   TMZ   Toothless People   Traffic Jam   Trapped in the Drive-Thru   Trapped In The Drive-Thru   Trapped in the Drive-Thru   Trash Day   Trash Day (Parody of "Hot in Herre" by Nelly)   Trigger Happy   Truck Drivin' Song   Truck Drivin\' Song   Truck Drivin' Song   TV Tan   Twister   Ugly Girl   Ugly Girl (Barbie Girl Parody)   Ugly Irl   UHF   UHF [Single Version]   Unicorn   Velvet Elvis   Virus Alert   Vulture   Waffle King   Walking Around In Women's Underwear   Wanna B Ur Lovr   Wannabe Stromtrooper   We Got The Beef   We're All Gay (backstreet Boys)   Weasel Stomping Day   Weasel Stomping Day   Weenie In A Bottle   Weird Al - Pretty Fly For A Rabbi   What If God Smoked Cannabis   Whatever You Like   When I Was Your Age   Which Backstreet Boy is Gay   White & Nerdy   White & Nerdy   White & Nerdy   White And Nerdy   Whole Lotta Lunch   Why Does This Always Happen To Me?   Windows 95 Sucks!   With Legs Wide Open   Won't Eat Prunes Again   Word Crimes   Yo!!! This Is A Digrace   Yoda   Yoda Chant   You Don't Love Me Anymore   You Don't Take Your Showers   You Don't Love Me Anymore   You Light Up My Life   You Make Me   You're Pitiful   Young, Dumb & Ugly   Young, Dumb & Ugly   Young, Dumb, and Ugly   your horoscope 4 today

Related Songs

  Horror Scope - Albatross  Everything Sux - Descendents  Horoscope - Chely Wright  Everything Sucks - Descendents  Where Are You Loca Nadine? - Red 40  Your Horoscope - Ian Dury  Your Horoscope - Ian Dury & The Blockheads  Caroline - The Hang Ups  Sunset Strip Bitch - Eve 6  Horoscope - Aroah  The Transfiguration (Parts I and II)...  Horoscope - Nick Carter  Horoscope - Cats on Fire  Horoscope - Harpo  Horoscope - Liz  Capricorn - Orion Rigel Dommisse  Love Of My Life - Fred Astaire  You Are - Gene Pitney  She Ain't You - New Hollow  I Don't Really Love You Anymore...  Seraphim - For Today  Joel (The Watchman) - For Today  Saul of Tarsus (The Messenger) - For Today  Immanuel (The Redeemer) - For Today  Immanuel (The Challenger) - For Today  Instrumental - For Today  With a Burning Passion - For Today  Nicodemus (The Seeker) - For Today  Intro - For Today  Benedictus (Song of Zechariah) - For Today  Isaiah (The Willing) - For Today  Ezekiel (The Visionary) - For Today  Elijah (The Forerunner) - For Today  King - For Today  Psalm of the Son - For Today  Phoenix - For Today  A Higher Standard - For Today  Ready For The Fight - For Today  Agape - For Today  Never Lose Sight of the Goals - For Today  Redemption - For Today  Infantry - For Today  Words of Hope - For Today  Molotov - For Today  Fatherless - For Today  Reflections - For Today  One Voice - For Today  Pariah - For Today  Fight The Silence - For Today  A Call To Arms - For Today  Hated By The World - For Today  Dead To Rights - For Today  No Truth, No Sacrifice - For Today  Deserter - For Today  Flooded Earth - For Today  Without You - For Today  Two Brothers - For Today  Wasteland - For Today  Hopeless Ambition - For Today  Forced Into Fire - For Today  Determination - For Today  Bitter Roots - For Today  Time And Tide - For Today  Broken Lens - For Today  Talmidim (The Servants) - For Today  Devastator - For Today  The Advocate - For Today  For The Fallen - For Today  White Flag - For Today  Arm The Masses - For Today  Break The Cycle - For Today  Fearless - For Today  Resonate - For Today  Poor Pete Is A Bit Self-Concious - Say Hi  Ares - Gackt  Teenage Suicide - The Candyskins  January Stars - Sting  Lousy Horoscope - Warship  Horoscope Rhapsody - Angel Tai  Few Horoscope - Chap  Big Star - 10000 Maniacs  Serendipity - Angelina Pivarnick & Adam Barta  For Today - Jandek  For Today - Jandek  For Today - Bob Evans  For Today - Jessica Lea Mayfield  For Today - Jessica Lea Mayfield  For Today - Camel  Big Star - 10,000 Maniacs  Unlimited Love - Laudamus  Black Magic - Angie Stone  Black Magic - Styles P  Black Magic - Styles  Shirt On - Splendora  Druscilla Penny - The Carpenters  TĂ©lescope - Aghast  I'll Make It All up to You - Golden Earring  I'll Make It All Up To You - Golden Earring  No Time At All - Steve Kilbey  New Amnesia Skies - Stolen Violin  The Power Of Three - Belle And Sebastian  Games People Play - Inner Circle  Hotel Plaster - Nicole Atkins  Machine Gun Baby - Meriwether  Feeling Peaky - Sleeper  I'm Not Crying Over You - Chris De Burgh  I'm Not Crying Over You - Chris De Burgh  I'm Not Crying Over You - Deburgh Chris  it used to feel warmer - Andreas Zins  Games People Play [*] - Inner Circle  Games People Play [Album Version] - Inner Circle  I Really Hope It's You - Michael Franks  Readings in Astrology - Curtis Mayfield  Druscilla Penny - Carpenters, The  Modern Lucky Man - A Toys Orchestra  Mood Ring - Harlem  Number Five - Pizzicato Five  All In A Day's Work - Eels  All In A Day's Work - Eels  Horror Pop - Marina and the Diamonds  Forget About the Future - Sting & Police  Terraplane Blues - Foghat  Your Soul Today - Chris Cornell  Just For Today - The Brian Jonestown Massacre  Word For Today - The Colorful Quiet  Forecast For Today - Pelican  Just for Today - India.Arie  Play for Today - Ben & Jason  Kid for Today - Boards of Canada  Live for Today - Ratt  Live for Today - Sweet  Live For Today - Lords of the New Church  Head for Today - Greg Laswell  Song For Today - Pete And The Pirates  Die for Today - Abscess  Forecast for Today - Wesley Thomas  Made for Today - Orange Blue  Live For Today - Hinder  Just For Today - India Arie  Live For Today - Pearl Jam  Looking For Today - Black Sabbath  Thanks For Today - Kate Miller-Heidke  Live For Today - Fabolous  Living for Today - Thunder  Just For Today - 2PM  Live For Today - ToTo  Play For Today - Cure  Just For Today - Good Riddance  Live for Today - 3 Doors Down  Die For Today - Abscess  Livin for Today - After Classes  Living for Today - Bastiaan Ragas  Dying For Today - UVR  Play for Today - The Cure  Living For Today - Pennywise  Live for Today [*] - Hinder  Live For Today - Escape The Fate  Just for Today - George Harrison  Live For Today - MSG  Live For Today - Natalie Grant  Today For You - RENT  Live for Today - The Sweet  Play For Today - Belle And Sebastian  Live For Today - Night Ranger  Livin’ for Today - Dayton  Face for Today - Duran Duran  Live For Today - Blueprint  Live For Today - Breaking Point  Mercy For Today - Son Of Aurelius  Hurricane Season - Billy Pilgrim  Signs And Wonders - 4Him  Watever - Lil Wayne  Someone - Jon Langford  Someone - The Mekons  Druscilla Penny - Carpenters  Listen With Your Eyes - 10cc  Listen With Your Eyes - 10 Cc  Generation X-Wing - Matthew Good  Forget About The Future - Sting  Magic Moon (Da da da da da!) - Peter Frampton  Fog - Mason Proper  Games People Play - Brenda Lee  Someone - Mekons  Today Today Today - James Taylor  Freckles - Rurouni Kenshin  Games People Play - Freddy Weller  The Games People Play - Joe South  It Just Doesn't Matter - Howard Jones  It Just Doesn't Matter - Howard Jones  Here She Is - Ellis Paul  Sheldon Bloom - Sarah Brightman  Tom's Diner - Giorgio Moroder  What Will The New Year Bring - Donna Fargo  Tom\u2019s Diner - Britney Spears  Travelin' Riverside Blues - Warren Zevon  Travelin' Riverside Blues - Warren Zevon  Your Eyes - Draxsen  Games People Play - The Everly Brothers  Games People Play - Hank Williams Jr.  Games People Play - Hank Williams, Jr.