Shticks Of One And Half A Dozen Of The Other
Allan Sherman

She wheels her wheelbarrow

Through streets that are narrow,

Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide.

So wherever she wheels it,

The neighborhood feels it,

Her girdle keeps scraping the homes on each side.

In Dublin's fair city,

Where girls are so pretty,

My Molly stands out 'cause she weighs 18 stone.

(That's 256 pounds.)

I dont mind her fat--but,

It's not only that--but,

She's cockeyed and muscle-bound, Molly Malone.


I know a man, his name is Lang,

And he has a neon sign.

And Mister Lang is very old,

So they call it Old Lang's Sign.


Oh what have you done, Billy Sol, Billy Sol.

Oh what have you done, charming Billy.

You took almost every cent

From the U.S. Government,

Which you spent on fertilizer, which is silly.


All day, all night, Cary Grant.

That's all I hear from my wife, is Cary Grant.

What can he do that I can't?

Big deal, big star, Cary Grant.


Oh the moon is bright tonight upon the car wash.

So I'm having my Volkswagen washed again.

But the way things go with me, the way my luck is,

Just as soon as they're finished, it will rain.


On top of Old Smokey,

All covered with hair,

Of course I'm referring

To Smokey The Bear.


Every time you take vaccine,

Take it orally.

As you know the other way

Is more painfully.


My grandfather's clock was the best ever made

By the Timex company.

Just like the clock John Cameron Swayze displayed

Last night on the old TV.


Oh it works under water so perfectly,

And still makes a ticking sound.

Which my grandfather tried only this afternoon,

And that's how the old man drowned.


Do not make a stingy sandwich.

Pile the cold cuts high.

Customers should see salami

Coming through the rye.


Oh I diet all day and I diet all night,

It's enough to drive me bats.

Got no gravy or potatoes,

'Cause the whole refrigerator's

Fulla polyunsaturated fats.


Fare thee well, Metrecal,

And the others of that ilk.

Let the diet start tomorrow,

'Cause today I'll drown my sorrow

In a double malted milk.


When you go to the delicatessen store,

Don't buy the liverwurst.

Don't buy the liverwurst.

Don't buy the liverwurst.

I repeat what I just said before,

Don't buy the liverwurst.

Don't buy the liverwurst.


Oh buy the corned beef if you must,

The pickled herring you can trust,

And the lox puts you in orbit AOK.

But that big hunk of liverwurst

Has been there since October First,

And today is the Twenty-Third of May.


So when you go to the delicatessen store,

Don't buy the liverwurst.

Don't buy the liverwurst.

Don't buy the liverwurst.

It'll make your insides awful sore.

Don't buy the liverwurst.

Don't buy the liverwurst.


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Lyrics by Allan Sherman

  \   A Few Words About The Chinese New Year   A Song Written By Elizabeth Taylor   A Waste Of Money   Al 'N Yetta   Al N' Yetta   America's a Nice Italian Name   America's a Nice Italian Name   America's A Nice Italian Name   An Average Song   Around The World   Around The World (Parody Of Around The World In 8 ...   Automation   Barry Is The Baby's Name   Beautiful Teamsters   Bye Bye Blumberg   Call Me   Change Partners   Chim Chim Cheree   Choped Liver (Parody Of Moon River)   Crazy Downtown   Dodgin' The Draft   Down The Drain   Eight Foot Two, Solid Blue   Frank Cooper   Go to Sleep, Paul Revere!   Good Advice   Green Stamps   Grow, Mrs. Goldfarb   Hail to Thee, Fat Person   Harvey & Sheila   Harvey and Sheila   Headaches   Headaches (Childish Remarks By Tom Greenleigh)   Hello Muddah - Nevada Style   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (A Letter from Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (A Letter from Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (A Letter from Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (A Letter from Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter From Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh! (a Letter From Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh! (A Letter from Camp) [...   Here's To The Crabgrass   Holiday for States   How Are Things With Uncle Morris (Parody Of How Ar...   How Deep Is A Birdbath (Parody Of How Deep Is The ...   How Van Nuys Got Its Name   Hungarian Goulash No. 5   I Can't Dance   I See Bones   If I Could Play Piano   If I Were A Tishman   In Which I Finally Admit That I Won World War II S...   It's a Most Unusual Play   It's a Most Unusual Play   It's a Most Unusual Play   It's a Most Unusual Play   J C Cohen   J. C. Cohen   J.C. Cohen   Jump Down, Spin Around (Pick a Dress o' Cotton)   Jump Down, Spin Around (Pick a Dress o' Cotton)   Jump Down, Spin Around (Pick a Dress o' Cotton)   Jump Down, Spin Around (Pick a Dress o' Cotton)   Kiss Of Myer   Little Butterball   Lotsa Luck   Me   Mexican Hat Dance   Mononucleosis   My Aunt Minnie   My Son, the Vampire   My Son, the Vampire [Single Version]   My Zelda   Night and Day (With Punctuation Marks)   No One's Perfect   No One's Perfect   No One's Perfect   No One's Perfect   Oh Boy   Ollawood!   Ollawoot (Parody Of Camelot)   One For My Sadie (And One For Two Cents Plain) (Pa...   One Hippopotami   Overweight People   Peyton Place, U.S.A.   Pills   Plan Ahead   Pop Hates the Beatles   Rat Fink   Return to Camp Granada   Ride Of Paul Revere   Sam You Made the Pants Too Long   Sarah Jackman   Scotch And/Or Water   Second Hand Nose   Secret Code   Seltzer Boy   Seventy-Six Sol Cohens   Shake Hands With Your Uncle Max   Shine On Harvey Bloom   Shine on, Harvey Bloom   Shticks and Stones   Signs   Sir Greenbaum's Madrigal   Sir Greenbaum's Madrigal   Sir Greenbaum's Madrigal   Sir Greenbaum's Madrigal   Skin   Small World   Smog Gets In Your Eyes   Sorry 'Bout That   Spanish Flea   Strange Things In My Soup   Streets Of Miami   Sue Me (feat. Debbie Reynolds)   Taking Lessons   That Old Back Scratcher   The Ballad Of Harry Lewis   The Bronx Bird Watcher   The Drinking Man's Diet   The Drop-Outs March   The Laarge Daark Aardvark Song   The Learner's Brassiere   The Let's All Call Up AT And T And Protest To The ...   The Painless Dentist Song   The Rebel   The Streets Of Miami   The Twelve Days Of Christmas   The Twelve Gifts of Christmas   There Is Nothing Like A Lox   There's a New Kid in Town   There's No Governor Like Our New Governor   There's No Governor Like Our New Governor   There's No Governor Like Our New Governor   Togetherness   Turn Back the Clock   Warning To Those Who Have A Low Threshold Of Sex   Westchester Hadassah   When I Was a Lad   When You Walk Through The Bronx   Won't You Come Home, Disraeli   You Need an Analyst   You Went The Wrong Way, Old King Louie   You're Getting to Be a Rabbit With Me   You’re The Top   Younger Than Springstein (Parody Of Younger Than S...   Your Mother's Here To Stay

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