J. C. Cohen
Allan Sherman

Listen all you children to my sad refrain
About a subway conductor on a runaway train
Squeezing people into cars, he won his fame
And John Charles Cohen was the great man's name

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor
IRT that's a subway line
And if you gotta travel uptown
He's a greater conductor than Leonard Bernstein

'Twas on a Sunday in the summer and from everywhere
People planned to take a subway to the World's Fair
A half a million people tried to push and jar
All of them determined to get in one car

But the IRT depended on their finest men
J. C. Cohen could pack a subway like a sardine can
He pushed the people up and back and 'round about
He squeezed so many in he squeezed the engineer out

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor
How he'd moan, step to the rear
J. C. Cohen, he really had a problem
On a subway train without an engineer

J. C. tried to get into the engineer's place
But when he look inside the cab, he saw a strange man's face
A half pint drunk with a full pint bottle
He emptied out the bottle and he yelled, full throttle

They passed Columbus Circle doing 82
A couple minutes later they were under Bronx Zoo
J. C. shuddered and he said, I guess
This used to be a local but it's now an Express

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor
Kept his head when everyone was tense
He said, When we pass the city limits
Everybody pays another fifteen cents

J. C. said, We're heading north, my friends
But not a man alive knows where the subway ends
The train went under Albany at 90 flat
And Governor Rockefeller hollered, What was that?

A lady said to J. C. Cohen with indignation
If this is Albany then you have passed my station
So either you should take me back to fifty ninth Street
Or ask one of these gentlemen to give me his seat

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor
J. C. Cohen noticed something odd
When he saw lobsters on the roadbed
He said, I got a feeling we're beneath Cape Cod

Oh well, the train kept speeding to the north my friends
Finally came to where the tunnel ends
When they came up to the surface from the long, long hole
They were twenty seven inches from the great North Pole

J. C. hollered, Everybody out
This is the end of the line beyond the shadow of a doubt
They went out to get some fresh air and before they took a whiff
Cohen and all the passengers were frozen stiff

J. C. Cohen, what a great conductor
Bless his soul, he ran out of luck
J. C. Cohen, he was really frozen
And he had to be brought home in a Good Humor truck

When they told Mrs. Cohen that she'd lost her man
She said, Must you interrupt me when I'm playing Pan?
Then she said to her partner, Mrs. R. J. Rosen
Cohen was a lovely husband but he's no good frozen

Then she went to her little boy and took his hand
And she said, I'm going to take you out to Disneyland
So Melvin, little darling, don't you weep or wail
'Cause you got another papa on the monorail
Got another papa on the monorail


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Lyrics by Allan Sherman

  \   A Few Words About The Chinese New Year   A Song Written By Elizabeth Taylor   A Waste Of Money   Al 'N Yetta   Al N' Yetta   America's a Nice Italian Name   America's a Nice Italian Name   America's A Nice Italian Name   An Average Song   Around The World   Around The World (Parody Of Around The World In 8 ...   Automation   Barry Is The Baby's Name   Beautiful Teamsters   Bye Bye Blumberg   Call Me   Change Partners   Chim Chim Cheree   Choped Liver (Parody Of Moon River)   Crazy Downtown   Dodgin' The Draft   Down The Drain   Eight Foot Two, Solid Blue   Frank Cooper   Go to Sleep, Paul Revere!   Good Advice   Green Stamps   Grow, Mrs. Goldfarb   Hail to Thee, Fat Person   Harvey & Sheila   Harvey and Sheila   Headaches   Headaches (Childish Remarks By Tom Greenleigh)   Hello Muddah - Nevada Style   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (A Letter from Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (A Letter from Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (A Letter from Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah (A Letter from Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter From Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh! (a Letter From Camp)   Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh! (A Letter from Camp) [...   Here's To The Crabgrass   Holiday for States   How Are Things With Uncle Morris (Parody Of How Ar...   How Deep Is A Birdbath (Parody Of How Deep Is The ...   How Van Nuys Got Its Name   Hungarian Goulash No. 5   I Can't Dance   I See Bones   If I Could Play Piano   If I Were A Tishman   In Which I Finally Admit That I Won World War II S...   It's a Most Unusual Play   It's a Most Unusual Play   It's a Most Unusual Play   It's a Most Unusual Play   J C Cohen   J.C. Cohen   Jump Down, Spin Around (Pick a Dress o' Cotton)   Jump Down, Spin Around (Pick a Dress o' Cotton)   Jump Down, Spin Around (Pick a Dress o' Cotton)   Jump Down, Spin Around (Pick a Dress o' Cotton)   Kiss Of Myer   Little Butterball   Lotsa Luck   Me   Mexican Hat Dance   Mononucleosis   My Aunt Minnie   My Son, the Vampire   My Son, the Vampire [Single Version]   My Zelda   Night and Day (With Punctuation Marks)   No One's Perfect   No One's Perfect   No One's Perfect   No One's Perfect   Oh Boy   Ollawood!   Ollawoot (Parody Of Camelot)   One For My Sadie (And One For Two Cents Plain) (Pa...   One Hippopotami   Overweight People   Peyton Place, U.S.A.   Pills   Plan Ahead   Pop Hates the Beatles   Rat Fink   Return to Camp Granada   Ride Of Paul Revere   Sam You Made the Pants Too Long   Sarah Jackman   Scotch And/Or Water   Second Hand Nose   Secret Code   Seltzer Boy   Seventy-Six Sol Cohens   Shake Hands With Your Uncle Max   Shine On Harvey Bloom   Shine on, Harvey Bloom   Shticks and Stones   Shticks Of One And Half A Dozen Of The Other   Signs   Sir Greenbaum's Madrigal   Sir Greenbaum's Madrigal   Sir Greenbaum's Madrigal   Sir Greenbaum's Madrigal   Skin   Small World   Smog Gets In Your Eyes   Sorry 'Bout That   Spanish Flea   Strange Things In My Soup   Streets Of Miami   Sue Me (feat. Debbie Reynolds)   Taking Lessons   That Old Back Scratcher   The Ballad Of Harry Lewis   The Bronx Bird Watcher   The Drinking Man's Diet   The Drop-Outs March   The Laarge Daark Aardvark Song   The Learner's Brassiere   The Let's All Call Up AT And T And Protest To The ...   The Painless Dentist Song   The Rebel   The Streets Of Miami   The Twelve Days Of Christmas   The Twelve Gifts of Christmas   There Is Nothing Like A Lox   There's a New Kid in Town   There's No Governor Like Our New Governor   There's No Governor Like Our New Governor   There's No Governor Like Our New Governor   Togetherness   Turn Back the Clock   Warning To Those Who Have A Low Threshold Of Sex   Westchester Hadassah   When I Was a Lad   When You Walk Through The Bronx   Won't You Come Home, Disraeli   You Need an Analyst   You Went The Wrong Way, Old King Louie   You're Getting to Be a Rabbit With Me   You’re The Top   Younger Than Springstein (Parody Of Younger Than S...   Your Mother's Here To Stay

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