Denis LearyMiscellaneousAssholeAsshole - Denis Leary(Spoken)Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream.About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way downin the bottom of our chests. About that special feeling we get in thecockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the subcocklearea. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in thecolon, we don't know.(Sung)I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job.I'm your average white suburbanite slob.I like football and porno and books about war.I got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.My wife and my job, my kids and my car.My feet on my table...and a cuban cigar.But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interestedno wayNo, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expenseYeah yeah yeah yeah yeahI drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,While people behind me are going insane.I'm an assholeI'm an assholeI use public toilets and I piss on the seat,I walk around in the summertime saying How about this heat?I'm an assholeI'm an assholeSometimes I park in handicapped spaces,While handicapped people make handicapped faces.I'm an assholeI'm an assholeMaybe I shouldn't be singing this songRanting and raving and carrying onMaybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong...NAAAAH!I'm an assholeI'm an asshole(Spoken)Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El DoradoConvertible, hot pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cowinterior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'mgonna drive around in that baby at 115 miles per hour, getting 1 mileper gallon, suckin' down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald'sin the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and whenI'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouthon the American Flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containersright out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody cando about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why Twowords: Nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK? Russia, Germany, Romania, theycan have all the democracy they want...they can have a big democracycakewalk right through the middle of Tienamen Square and it won't makea lick of difference, because we got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's notdead, he's frozen! And as soon as we find a cure for cancer, we'regonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You knowwhy? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Casavetti and Lee Marvinand Sam Peckinpawand a case of whiskyand drive to Texas...(HEY, HEY HEY!>Why don't you shut up and sing the song, pal?(Sung)I'm an assholeI'm an assholeA S-S H-O L-EEverybody, A S-S H-O L-EArf, Arf Arf, Arf Arf, Arf ArfThoomph A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoomOooooooo(Spoken)I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it
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