Smoke
Denis Leary

I love to smoke, I smoke seven thousand packs a day, okay?

And I am never fucking quitting I don't care how many laws they make

What's the law now? You can only smoke in your apartment

Under a blanket, with all the lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?

The cops are outside, We know you have the cigarettes

Come out of the house with the cigarettes above your head

You'll never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear?

I got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom, yeah! Say yeah!

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies

So I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time

I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all the way around my neck

I'll be tracheotomie man!

He can smoke a pack at a time! He's tracheotomie man!

I'm looking forward to cancer, man, I want that throat cancer

That's the best kind, you know why?

You get that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing

Know what I'm talking about?

Sure it's scary, but you can make a lot of money with a voice box

Get a voice box, walking around the streets of Manhattan

You got any spare change?

Ahh! Here's my whole wallet, get away from me!

Imagine a whole family with voice boxes, that'd be creepy, wouldn't it?

They'd be out in that backyard everyday during the summer

Dad, can we go to the beach?, Yes, get your mother and the dog

We'll leave right now, Sparky, come here

Or the ultimate irony, a guy with a voice box pulling up to the drive

Through window at Mcdonald's, that has to suck, huh?

Can I help you?, Big Mac and a large order of fries

Stop making fun of me, I'm not making fun of you

I'm getting the manager, Get the fucking manager, I don't care

I can remember a time in this country

When men were proud to get cancer, God dammit!

When it was a sign of manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice

Second time, they took out one of his lungs, he said, Take 'em both!

'Cuz I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish!

Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the game

He had a voice box, he was the first American to have a voice box

Yeah!, This is Babe Ruth

The Sultan of Swat, the Bambino

I smoke twenty-five goddamn Black Cuban cigars a day

I had meat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner

I fucked eighteen prostitutes a night!

'Course, I'm dead now

I'm up here in Heaven, Lou Gehrig is up Here with me

God love Lou Gehrig, Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig

Died of Lou Gehrig's disease

How the Hell did he not see that coming?

We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease

With your name all over it, pal!

There ain't no Babe Ruth disease, I'll tell you that much right now

Have a hot dog and a Hummer, go ahead, it's on me

I don't know, personally, I think Billy Martin said it best when he said

Hey! I can drive!, because we tried to be nice to you non-smokers

We fucking tried, okay?

You wanted your own sections in the restaurants, we gave you that

But that wasn't enough for you, then you wanted the airplanes

We gave you the whole God damn plane! You happy now?

You own the fucking plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks

Because I will guarantee you if the plane is going down

The first announcement you're gonna hear is

Folks, this is your Captain speaking, look, uhm, light 'em up

'Cause we're going down, okay, I got a carton of Camels non-filters

I'll see you on the ground, take it easy

Actually, it'd be more like this, This is your Captain speaking

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em

The filters the best part, that's where they put the heroine

Only us real good smokers know that fucking secret

Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers

But you just fucking badger us, you know? You won't leave us alone

You got all your little speeches you're always giving to us

All these little facts that you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet

And you store that little nugget in your little fucking head

And we light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya?

I love these little facts, these little facts

Well you know, smoking takes ten years off your life

Well it's the ten worst years, isn't it folks?

It's the ones at the end! It's the wheelchair, dialysis fucking years

You can have those years! We don't want 'em, alright!?

And I guarantee if I'm still alive then I'll be smoking then

I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on

And my twenty-five year old non-smoking born again

Christian son behind me

I'll be going, Hey! Make sure you wipe this time

I was itching all week for Christ's sake!

And get me some more wippets

I'm almost out, you fucking pussy! Come on!

Because you're always telling us

You know, if you quit smoking now

Every cigarette takes three minutes off your life

If you quit now you can live an extra ten years

If you quit now, you can live an extra twenty years

Hey, I got two words for you, okay, Jim Fix, remember Jim Fix?

The big famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day

Did a jogging book, did a jogging video

And dropped out of a heart attack when?

When he was fucking jogging, that's when!

What do you wanna bet it was two smokers

Who found the body the next morning and went

Hey! That's Jim Fix, isn't it? Wow, what a fucking tragedy

Come on, lets go buy some buds

It's always the yogurt sprout eating mother fuckers

Who get run over by a bus drive by a guy

Who smokes three and a half packs a day

Sorry officer, I didn't see him, I was too busy smoking!

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Lyrics by Denis Leary

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