Protective Coloration
Seanan McGuire

You goth girls dye your hair and slap your makeup on.
You try to act like you don't care, you'll just disappear at dawn.
Well, I've got a little FYI, call it a beauty tip from beyond --
If you're in a horror movie and don't wanna die, baby,
It's best to be blonde.

We don't get much good press for having high IQs,
But we know how to dress and how to run in high heeled shoes,
So if you think survival is something of which you're fond
A bottle of peroxide'll save you,
It's best to be blonde.

King Kong had a thing for blondes,
So did the Creature from the Black Lagoon,
And it wasn't any dark-haired gypsy girl
Set Talbot baying at the moon.
Phoebe Munster's got the emerald skin,
Elvira's got the raven tresses,
But if you take a moment and you face the facts,
You'll find the bad boys bond with blonde babes wearing pastel dresses!
Oh --

It's true that sometimes we get forced to play the bait.
We say 'Johnny, is that you?' and just flounce off to meet our fate.
Our common sense and street smarts have been permanently pawned,
And yet our flailing always seems to save the day, baby,
It's best to be blonde.

So you can call us names, but frankly, we don't care.
You can count on guts and brains, and we'll count on tits and hair.
We know when we call for help, the hero will respond --
Who do you think is gonna come save you?
It's best to be blonde.

Dracula he likes 'em fair,
So do the madmen in their secret lairs.
You want to know what monsters like,
Well, let me tell you, it's the hair.
You wonder why we always get away
When we're like magnets for these messes?
We're more fun for our boyfriends when we're still alive,
And all the bad boys bond with blonde babes wearing pastel dresses!
Oh --

Baby, it's best to be, baby it's best to be,
Baby, it's best to be blonde!

Written on: 2007-03-19. Seanan McGuire

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