Hostess With The Mostes' On The Ball, The
Berlin Irving

Berlin Irving

Call Me Madam (1950, Vocal Score)

Hostess With The Mostes' On The Ball, The

I was born on a thousand acres of Oklahoma land

Nothing grew on the thousand acres for it was gravel and sand

One day father started digging in a field

Hoping to find some soil

He dug and he dug and what do you think?

Oil, oil, oil

The money rolled in and I rolled out with a fortune piled so high

Washington was my destination

And now who am I?


I'm the chosen party giver

For the White House clientele

And they know that I deliver

What it takes to make 'em jell

And in Washington I'm known by one and all

As the hostess with the mostes' on the ball


They could go to Elsa Maxwell

When they had an axe to grind

They could always grind their axe well

At the parties she designed

Now the hatchet grinders all prefer to call

On the hostess with the mostes' on the ball


I've a great big bar and good caviar

Yes, the best that can be found

And a large amount in my bank account

Wèen election time comes 'round


If you're feeling presidential

You can make it, yes, indeed

There are just three things essential

Let me tell you all you need

Is an ounce of wisdom and a pound of gall

And the hostess with the mostes' on the ball


An Ambassador has just reached the shore

He's a man of many loves


An important gent from the Orient

To be handled with kid gloves


He can come and let his hair down

Have the best time of his life

Even bring his new affair down

Introduce her as his wife

But she mustn't leave her panties in the hall

For the hostess who's the hostess with the mostes' on the ball


[Encore:]

I've been highly complimented

And I thank you what is more

You'll be damned well represented

By your new ambassador

For my one ambition is to make them fall

For the hostess with the mostes' on the ball


In the handbag that I'll carry

There's a precious little note

To their highnesses from Harry

Introducing me he wrote:

I'll appreciate a favor large or small

For the hostess with the mostes' on the ball


There'll be no mistakes, I've got what it takes

To make friends across the sea

I'll make being smart an important part

Of my foreign policy


I'll cement our good relations

When I give my first affair

There'll be special invitations

To the Duke and Duchess there

Who's already written asking them to call

Not the priestess with the leastes'

But the hostess who's the hostess with the mostes' on the ball


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Lyrics by Berlin Irving

  (I Wonder Why) You're Just In Love   Abie Sings An Irish Song (15 May 1913)   Abraham   After The Honeymoon (23 Aug 1911)   After You Get What You Want, You Don't Want It (19   Alexander And His Clarinet (19 May 1910)   All Alone (1924)   All By Myself (1921)   All Of My Life (1944)   Along Came Ruth (1 May 1914)   Always (1925)   Always Treat Her Like A Baby (24 Aug 1914)   American Eagles   An Old-Fashioned Tune Always Is New   Angels Of Mercy (1941)   Anna Liza's Wedding Day (15 Jan 1913)   Antonio (13 May 1912)   Any Bonds Today? (1941)   Anything You Can Do   Apple Tree And The Bumble Bee, The (7 Mar 1913)   Araby (1915)   At Peace With The World (1926)   At The Devil's Ball (8 Jan 1913)   At The Picture Show (20 Jan 1913)   Back To Back   Be Careful, It's My Heart   Beautiful Day In Brooklyn, A (1948)   Because I Love You (1926)   Becky's Got A Job In A Musical Show (6 Jun 1912)   Before I Go And Marry (8 Dec 1909)   Best Of Friends Must Part, The (6 Feb 1908)   Best Thing For You Would Be Me, The   Better Luck Next Time   Blue Skies (1927)   Bring Back My Lena To Me (20 Oct 1910)   Bring Back My Lovin' Man (16 Nov 1911)   Bring Me A Ring In The Spring (5 Dec 1911)   Business Is Business (21 Apr 1911)   But I Ain't Got A Man (1954)   But Where Are You?   Call Again! (17 Jun 1912)   Call Me Up Some Rainy Afternoon (23 Apr 1910)   Change Partners   Cheek To Cheek   Choreography   Choreography (Sheet Music Version)   Christmas-Time Seems Years And Years Away (2 Dec 1   Cohen Owes Me Ninety-Seven Dollars (1915)   Colonel Buffalo Bill   Colored Romeo (14 Sep 1910)   Come Back To Me, My Melody (27 Sep 1912)   Coquette (1928)   Count Your Blessings Instead Of Sheep   Couple Of Song And Dance Men, A   Couple Of Swells, A   Crinoline Days   Cuddle Up (24 Nov 1911)   Daddy, Come Home (16 Dec 1913)   Dat's-A My Gal (14 Jan 1911)   Dear Mayme, I Love You (18 Apr 1910)   Devil Has Bought Up All The Coal, The (1918)   Do It Again (9 Oct 1912)   Do You Believe Your Eyes, Or, Do You Believe Your   Do Your Duty Doctor! (6 Aug 1909)   Dog Gone That Chilly Man (30 Sep 1911)   Doin' What Comes Natur'lly   Don't Be Afraid Of Romance   Don't Leave Your Wife Alone (20 Nov 1912)   Don't Put Out The Light (6 May 1911)   Don't Take Your Beau To The Seashore (22 Sep 1911)   Don't Wait Too Long (1925)   Dorando (11 Mar 1909)   Down In Chattanooga (21 Nov 1913)   Down In My Heart (30 Oct 1912)   Down To The Folies Bergere (24 Apr 1911)   Draggy Rag (13 Apr 1910)   Dreams, Just Dreams (12 Oct 1910)   Drum Crazy   Easter Parade   Easter Parade (1933)   Elevator Man, Going Up, Going Up, Going Up, Going   Empty Pockets Filled With Love   Ephraham Played Upon The Piano (20 Jun 1911)   Everybody Knew But Me (1945)   Everybody Step (1921)   Everybody's Doin' It Now (2 Nov 1911)   Falling Out Of Love Can Be Fun   Fella With An Umbrella, A   Fiddle-Dee-Dee (27 May 1912)   Follow Me Around (13 Nov 1912)   Follow The Crowd (30 Jan 1914)   Fools Fall In Love   For The Very First Time (1952)   For Your Country And My Country (1917)   Freedom Train, The (1947)   Funnies, The   Furnishing A Home For Two (8 Oct 1914)   Gee, I Wish I Was Back In The Army   Get Thee Behind Me, Satan   Getting Nowhere (Running Around In Circles)   Girl On The Police Gazette, The   Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor   Go Home And Tell It To Your Wife (1957)   God Bless America (1938)   God Gave You To Me (20 Apr 1914)   Goodbye, Girlie, And Remember Me (6 Aug 1909)   Goody, Goody, Goody, Goody, Good (11 Dec 1912)   Grizzly Bear (19 Apr 1910)   Happy Holiday   Happy Little Chorus Girl (1913)   Happy Little Country Girl (21 May 1913)   Harlem On My Mind   Haunted House, The (27 May 1914)   He Ain't Got Rhythm   He Promised Me (12 Dec 1911)   He's A Devil In His Own Home Town (14 May 1914)   He's A Rag Picker (28 Sep 1914)   He's So Good To Me (4 Jan 1913)   Heat Wave   Heat Wave (1933 Version)   Herman Let's Dance That Beautiful Waltz (24 Sep 19   Hey, Wop (1914)   Homework   Hostesses Of The Stage Door Canteen   How About A Cheer For The Navy?   How About Me? (1928)   How Can I Change My Luck?   How Deep Is The Ocean? (1932)   How Do You Do It, Mabel, On Twenty Dollars A Week?   How Many Times? (1926)   How's Chances?   I Beg Your Pardon, Dear Old Broadway (28 Mar 1911)   I Can't Remember (1933)   I Can't Tell A Lie   I Didn't Go Home At All (13 Mar 1909)   I Don't Wanna Be Married, I Just Wanna Be Friends   I Got Lost In His Arms   I Got The Sun In The Morning   I Just Came Back To Say Good Bye (8 Dec 1909)   I Keep Running Away From You (1957)   I Left My Door Open And My Daddy Walked Out (1919)   I Left My Heart At The Stage Door Canteen   I Love A Piano   I Love To Quarrel With You (10 Feb 1914)   I Love You More Each Day (19 May 1910)   I Never Had A Chance (1934)   I Poured My Heart Into A Song   I Say It's Spinach (And The Hell With It)   I Threw A Kiss Into The Ocean (1942)   I Used To Be Color-Blind   I Used To Play It By Ear (1965)   I Want To Be In Dixie (18 Jan 1912)   I Want To Go Back To Michigan (Down On The Farm) (   I Wish That You Was My Gal, Molly (14 Oct 1909)   I'd Like My Picture Took   I'll Capture Her Heart   I'll See You In C-U-B-A (1920)   I'll Share It All With You   I'm A Bad, Bad Man   I'm A Happy Married Man (2 May 1910)   I'm Afraid, Pretty Maid, I'm Afraid (6 Feb 1912)   I'm An Indian Too   I'm Beginning To Miss You (1949)   I'm Getting Tired So I Can Sleep   I'm Going On A Long Vacation (12 Oct 1910)   I'm Marching Along With Time (1938)   I'm On My Way Home (1926)   I'm Playing With Fire (1932)   I'm Putting All My Eggs In One Basket   I'm Sorry For Myself   I've Got A Sweet Tooth Bothering Me (1916)   I've Got My Captain Working For Me Now (1919)   I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm   I've Got Plenty To Be Thankful For   I've Got To Have Some Lovin' Now (4 Mar 1912)   If All The Girls I Knew Were Like You (15 Nov 1912   If I Had My Way, I'd Live Among The Gypsies (1917)   If I Had You (1 May 1914)   If I Thought You Wouldn't Tell (14 Oct 1909)   If That's Your Idea Of A Wonderful Time (22 Jun 19   If The Managers Only Thought The Same As Mother (1   If You Believe (1940)   If You Don't Want Me (24 Sep 1913)   If You Don't Want My Peaches (You'd Better Stop Sh   If You Haven't Got An Ear For Music   In My Harem (1 Feb 1913)   Innocent Bessie Brown (5 Oct 1910)   International Rag, The (12 Aug 1913)   Is He The Only Man In The World?   Is There Anything Else I Can Do For You? (3 Aug 19   Isn't This A Lovely Day (To Be Caught In The Rain)   It All Belongs To Me   It All Belongs To Me (1927)   It Isn't What He Said (11 Feb 1914)   It Only Happens When I Dance With You   It's A Lovely Day For A Walk   It's A Lovely Day Today   It's A Lovely Day Tomorrow   Just Like The Rose (2 Jul 1909)   Just One Way To Say I Love You   Kate (Have I Come Too Early, Too Late) (1947)   Keep Away From The Fellow Who Owns An Automobile (   Keep On Walking (14 Apr 1913)   Ki-I-Youdleing Dog, The (4 Apr 1913)   Kiss Me My Honey, Kiss Me (3 Aug 1910)   Kiss Your Sailor Boy Goodbye (15 Aug 1913)   Ladies Of The Chorus   Lady Of The Evening   Lazy (1924)   Let Me Sing And I'm Happy   Let Me Sing And I'm Happy (1930 Version)   Let Yourself Go   Let's Face The Music And Dance   Let's Have Another Cup O' Coffee   Let's Keep In Touch While Dancing   Let's Say It With Firecrackers, Song Of Freedom Me   Let's Start The New Year Right   Let's Take An Old-Fashioned Walk   Little Bit Of Everything, A (18 Oct 1912)   Little Fish In A Big Pond   Little Things In Life, The (1930)   Long As I Can Take You Home (1966)   Looking At You (Across The Breakfast Table)   Louisiana Purchase   Louisiana Purchase (1940)   Love And The Weather (1947)   Love Leads To Marriage (1956)   Love, You Didn't Do Right By Me   Man Chases A Girl (Until She Catches Him), A (1949   Mandy   Manhattan Madness   Marie (1928)   Marie From Sunny Italy (12 Oct 1907)   Maybe It's Because I Love You Too Much (1933)   Me (1931)   Meet Me To-Night (12 Dec 1911)   Million Dollar Ball, The (6 May 1912)   Miss Liberty   Molly O! Oh, Molly! (13 May 1911)   Monkey Doodle Doo, The (15 May 1913)   Moonshine Lullaby   Most Expensive Statue In The World, The   Mr. Monotony   My Defenses Are Down   My Melody Dream (14 Oct 1911)   My Sweet Italian Gal (21 Feb 1913)   My Sweet Italian Man (31 Oct 1912)   My Walking Stick (1938)   My Wife's Gone To The Country (Hurrah! Hurrah!) (1   Next To Your Mother, Who Do You Love? (26 Oct 1909   No One Could Do It Like My Father! (2 Apr 1909)   No Strings   Nobody Knows (And Nobody Seems To Care) (1919)   Not For All The Rice In China (1933 Version)   Nothing More To Say (1948)   Now It Can Be Told (1938)   Oh How That German Could Love (5 Oct 1910)   Oh, That Beautiful Rag (7 Jul 1910)   Oh, What I Know About You (2 July 1909)   Oh! How I Hate To Get Up In The Morning (1918)   Oh! Where Is My Wife To-Night? (16 Sep 1909)   Old Maids Ball, The (16 Apr 1913)   Old-Fashioned Tune Always Is New, An   Old-Fashioned Wedding, An (1966)   One O'clock In The Morning I Get Lonesome (16 Sep   Only For Americans   Opera Burlesque (24 Feb 1912)   Orange Grove In California, An   Outside Of Loving You, I Like You (1963)   Outside Of That, I Love You   Pack Up Your Sins (And Go To The Devil)   Paris Wakes Up And Smiles   Piano Man (5 Oct 1910)   Pick, Pick, Pick, Pick On The Mandolin, Antonio (2   Play A Simple Melody   Please Let Me Come Back To You (1955)   Policemen's Ball, The   Pretty Girl Is Like A Melody, A   Pullman Porters On Parade, The (14 May 1913)   Puttin' On The Ritz (1929 Version)   Puttin' On The Ritz.   Queenie (29 Feb 1908)   Ragtime Jockey Man, The (11 Jun 1912)   Ragtime Mocking Bird (25 Jan 1912)   Ragtime Soldier Man (12 Jul 1912)   Ragtime Violin! (6 Oct 1911)   Reaching For The Moon   Remember (1925)   Revival Day (1914)   Roses Of Yesterday (1928)   Run Home And Tell Your Mother (29 Jun 1911)   Russian Lullaby (1927)   Sadie Salome (Go Home) (2 Apr 1909)   Sailor's Not A Sailor ('til A Sailor's Been Tattoo   Sailor's Not A Sailor, A (1954)   San Francisco Bound (13 Mar 1913)   Say It Isn't So (1932)   Say It With Music (1921)   Sayonara (1957)   Serenade To An Old-Fashioned Girl, A   Shaking The Blues Away   Shaking The Blues Away (1927 Version)   She Was A Dear Little Girl (5 Oct 1909)   Sisters   Sisters (Brothers)   Sittin' In The Sun (1953)   Slumming On Park Avenue   Snookey Ookums (21 Feb 1913)   Snow   So Help Me (1934)   Society Bear (1 Apr 1912)   Soft Lights And Sweet Music   Sombrero Land (17 Nov 1911)   Some Little Something About You (14 Oct 1909)   Some Sunny Day (1922)   Somebody's Coming To My House (15 May 1913)   Someone Just Like You (22 Dec 1909)   Someone's Waiting For Me (We'll Wait, Wait, Wait)   Song Of Freedom   Spanish Love (24 Apr 1911)   Spring And Fall (24 Feb 1912)   Stay Down Here Where You Belong (20 Oct 1914)   Steppin' Out With My Baby   Stop That Rag (24 Nov 1909)   Stop, Stop, Stop (17 Sep 1910)   Supper Time   Sweet Italian Love (9 Jun 1910)   Sweet Marie, Make-A Rag-A-Time Dance Wid Me (18 Ja   Take A Little Tip From Father (20 Jan 1912)   Take Me Back (8 Sep 1913)   Take Me With You, Soldier Boy (1943)   Telling Lies (14 Jan 1910)   Thank You, Kind Sir! Said She (31 Aug 1910)   That Dying Rag (18 Feb 1911)   That Kazzatsky Dance (19 Dec 1910)   That Mesmerizing Mendelssohn Tune (22 Dec 1909)   That Monkey Tune (25 Mar 1911)   That Mysterious Rag (31 Aug 1911)   That Opera Rag (28 Apr 1910)   That's How I Love You (13 May 1912)   That's My Idea Of Paradise (8 Oct 1914)   The Best Things Happen While You're Dancing   The Girl On The Magazine Cover   The Girl That I Marry   The Piccolino   The Song Is Ended (1927)   The Song Of The Metronome   The Yam   There's A Girl In Havana (19 Sep 1911)   There's No Business Like Show Business   They Say It's Wonderful   They're On Their Way To Mexico (2 May 1914)   They've Got Me Doing It Now (17 Jun 1913)   They've Got Me Doing It Now Medley (11 Jul 1913)   This Is A Great Country   This Is The Army   This Is The Army, Mister Jones   This Is The Life (21 Feb 1914)   This Time   This Year's Kisses   Top Hat, White Tie And Tails   Tra-La, La, La! (24 Sep 1913)   True Born Soldier Man, A (15 May 1912)   Try It On Your Piano (7 Jul 1910)   Two Cheers Instead Of Three   Virginia Lou (20 Mar 1911)   Wait Until You're Married (1966)   Wait Until Your Daddy Comes Home (19 Dec 1912)   Waiting At The End Of The Road   Waltz Of Long Ago, The   Washington Twist   We Have Much To Be Thankful For (21 May 1913)   We Saw The Sea   We'll Never Know (1926)   Welcome Home (23 Jan 1913)   What Can You Do With A General?   What Chance Have I With Love?   What Does He Look Like?   What Does It Matter? (1927)   What The Well-Dressed Man In Harlem Will Wear   What'll I Do (1924)   When I Leave The World Behind (1915)   When I Lost You (8 Nov 1912)   When I'm Alone I'm Lonesome (25 Mar 1911)   When I'm Thinking Of You (27 Sep 1912)   When It Rains, Sweetheart, When It Rains (29 Apr 1   When It's Night Time In Dixie Land (5 Dec 1914)   When Johnson's Quartette Harmonize (11 Jun 1912)   When My Dreams Come True (1929)   When The Folks High Up Do That Mean Lowdown   When The Midnight Choo-Choo Leaves For Alabam' (2   When Winter Comes   When You Kiss An Italian Girl (16 Jun 1911)   When You Play That Piano, Bill! (16 Mar 1910)   When You Walked Out Someone Else Walked Right In   When You're In Town (11 Apr 1911)   Where Is The Song Of Songs For Me? (1927)   Whisper It (1963)   Whistling Rag, The (31 Mar 1911)   White Christmas   White Christmas (1942)   Who Do You Love I Hope?   Wild Cherries (12 Aug 1909)   Wishing (17 Dec 1910)   With My Head In The Clouds   With You   Woodman, Woodman, Spare That Tree! (27 Jun 1911)   Yam, The   Yankee Love (15 Dec 1911)   Yiddisha Eyes (8 Sep 1910)   Yiddisha Nightingale (7 Oct 1911)   Yiddisha Professor (23 Nov 1912)   Yiddle, On Your Fiddle, Play Some Ragtime (30 Nov   You Can Have Him   You Can't Brush Me Off   You Can't Get A Man With A Gun   You Keep Coming Back Like A Song   You Keep Coming Back Like A Song (1946)   You Picked A Bad Day Out To Say Goodbye (25 Apr 19   You'd Be Surprised   You'd Be Surprised (1919)   You're A Sentimental Guy (1956)   You're A Sucker For A Dame (1956)   You're Easy To Dance With   You're Fun To Be With (1957)   You're Laughing At Me   You're Lonely And I'm Lonely   You've Built A Fire Down In My Heart (20 Jun 1911)   You've Got Me Hypnotized (2 Nov 1911)   You've Got Your Mother's Big Blue Eyes! (12 Sep 19   Z... Closing Medley

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