5 poofs and 2 pianos
Tim Minchin

Obviously I don't want to infer that being invited onto Friday night with Wossy isn't wonderfully affirming
and I know I oughta
appreciate the risk you took the bookers who agreed to book a chap who tends to talk about the kind of things that get the BBC
in hot water
and I don't wanna seem greedy.
I'm just saying
I'd like to be here every week if that's okay
and if you'll hear me out
I think I've got a way in which we could do it pretty easily.
you can leave all the boring details to me.
It's a brilliant idea,
a truely original concept.
No one in Britain has ever done anything like it, yeah.
Picture this!
Imagine if we had

five poofs and two pianos
YEAH!
it's a wicked idea.
why settle for a quartet of queers
when there's a possibility of a penta-poofter-piano-possey here
5 poofs and two pianos
YEAH
it'll be ace
100 percent more pianos
and 25 percent more gays.

I know, I know i've seen the problem too.
there's a rumour I am straight it's true.
it hurts to admit it
but I'm about as bent
as wossy himself
or fiddy cent.
But I've already thought it through
you know there's preachers in america who reckon they can do
sexuality converstions, i've heard them assert,
they can cure a man of trouser love and turn him on to skirt.
well i don't see why they couldn't pull the same trick in reverse
and we'll have
5 poofs and two pianos
YEAH
it's a revolution.
and probably the best solution to the problem you're inevitably having with an even number of homosexuals.

yes I know your producers might suspect
that the license paying public will object
to the corperation having yet
another homosexual to pay.
the daily mail will bring the big guns out
dan moyer will be frothing at the mouth.
writing further brilliant stuff about
the myth of being both happy and gay.

and all that moral indignation
will disappear when they see
those four lovely guys and me
singing in perfect harmony
and all those angry letter writers
like disgusted from the isle-of-white
and mad from hull and outraged from leads
and slightly annoyed from berwrick-on-tweed
will instantly change their tune.
they'll be bleeding heart liberals by saturday noon.
they'll be giving their grand children up for adoption
in the hope that a gay married couple will adopt them.
they'll be putting rainbow stickers on their cars
and cutting holes in the arse of their leather strides.
watching two pianos and five guys!
watching two pianos and five guys!
watching two pianos and five
1 2 3 4 5 poofs and two pianos
yeah it'll be grand
you can never have too many pianos
or too much man.
five poofs and two pianos
maybe we can out jamie cullum.
make it a trio of pianos
and a big gay half dozen.

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Lyrics by Tim Minchin

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