Soph (spoken word)
Bette Midler

From Bette Midler's Live At Last CD

I was in the woods last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me Soph,(he always called me Soph),he said to me Soph, these woods sure are dark I sure wish I had a flash light, I said to him so do I Ernie. You have been munching grass for the last ten minutes.

I will never forget it. It was on the occasion of Ernie's eightieth birthday and in honor of the occasion he married a twenty year old girl. And he rang me up the very next day and he said to me Soph, Soph, I have just married myself a twenty year old girl, what do you think of that. And I said to him Ernie when I am eighty years old I shall marry myself a twenty year old boy, and let me tell you something Ernie twenty goes into eighty a hell of a lot more than eighty goes into twenty.

I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me Soph, you got no tits and a tight box. I said to him Ernie get off my back.

From Bette Midler's Mud Will Be Flung Tonight CD

I Will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie he began combing his hair there was a great shower of dandruff all about the bed. I said to him Ernie what's that? he said to me Soph those are the snows of Kilamanjaro. He leaped from the bed he ran to the loo I could hear him through the door relieving himself violently (swish, swish, swish, swish) I said to him Ernie what the hell is that? he said to me Soph those are the rains of Ronjapoor. He leaped from the bed, he ran back to bed, no he leaped from the loo he ran back to the bed, he leaped from the bed, he ran out the window, that's not right either, a humongous dick that wants to reach out and touch someone imagine that, he ran back from the loo, what happened then ah yes of course I hit a blank spot. On his way back from the loo he had dare I say an attack of flatulates, how could I forget that. He had an attack of flatulates (pbbt) the cheese was cut. I said to him Ernie what the hell is that? he said to me Soph those are the winds of Crackatoa. That was enough for me I jumped into my clothes I was out the door like a like a shot. I could hear him calling me from down the road. Where are you going? What's wrong? I said who can fuck in this weather.

I will never forget it you know. Doorbell rang the other day I answered the door there was a delivery boy there, a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card and I opened it it said love, from your boyfriend Ernie. I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine at the time I said Clementine do you know what this means. For the next two weeks I'm going to be flat on my back with my legs wide open. Clementine says to me what's the matter with you ain't you got a vas.

I will never forget it you know. Yet another cutting the cheese joke. Listen to how I make it my own. I will never forget it you know. It was my honeymoon with my boyfriend Ernie we were on the Silvercheif we had a car all to ourselves when suddenly I cut the cheese. Ernie said Oh my God, Soph is that you, did you just fart, I said of course I did you think I always smell like this.

I will never forget it you know. For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. Used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty that I didn't wear no underwear. One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me Soph you've got to go see the doctor I said alright, make an appointment for me. So he rang up the doctor but unbeknownst to me this is what he told the doctor. Doc I'm sending Soph over, she got a terrible cold but that's not the problem, the problem is she don't wear no underwear, tell her she got this cold on the count of she don't wear no underwear you got that. Right o says the doctor so I like a Schmuck trot on down to the doctor's office the doctor said Soph open your mouth and say Ah I open my mouth I said Ah he looked down my throat he said Soph, you ain't wearin no underwear, I said I beg your pardon doctor? he said to me Soph you ain't wearin no underwear I said doctor you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearin no underwear he said that's right Soph I said doc do me a favor, look up my ass and tell me if my hat's on straight.


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Lyrics by Bette Midler

  "Otto Titsling"   "Together, Wherever we go"   A dream is a wish your heart makes   A Whiter Shade Of Pale   A: Optimistic Voices B: Lullaby Of Broadway   A: Uptown B: Don't Say Nothin' Bad (About My Baby)...   Alabama Song   All I Need Is the Girl   All I need to know   All of a sudden   Alright, Okay, You Win   Am I Blue   As dreams go by   Baby it's cold outside   Baby It's You   Baby It's Cold Outside   Baby June and Her Newsboys   Baby Mine   Baby, It's Cold Outside"(feat. James Caan   Backstage   Bang your Dead!   Be My Baby   Beast of burden   Bed of roses   Bei Mir Bist Du Schon   Bei Mir Bist Du Schu00f6n   Big noise from Winnetka   Big Noise From Winnetka - Divine Madness Version   Big Socks   Big Spender   Big Spender [From Sweet Charity]   Billy - a - Dick   Billy-a-Dick   Birds   Bless You Child   Blueberry Pie   Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy   Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy [Single Version]   Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy Single   bottomless   Boxing   Breaking up somebody's home   Breaking Up Somebody's Home   Buckets Of Rain   Buckets of Rain (With Bob Dylan)   Chapel of Love   Chapel of Love/Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy   Chattanooga Choo Choo   Color Of Roses   Come And Get These Memories   Come back Jimmy Dean   Come On-A My House   Come Rain or Come Shine   Come rain or shine   Comic Relief   Concert Monologue   Cool Yule   Coping   Coping (spoken Word)   Cowgirl's Dream   Cowgirl's Dream   Cradle Days   Dainty June And Her Farmboys   Daybreak (Storybook Children)   Daytime Hustler   Delta Dawn   Do You Wanna Dance   Do you wanna dance?   Do You Want To Dance   Do You Want to Dance?   Dreamland   Drinkin' Again   Drinking Again   E Street Shuffle   E Street Shuffle/Summer (The First Time)/Leader of...   E Street Shuffle\/summer (the First Time)\/leader ...   Empty Bed Blues   Every Road Leads Back To You   Every Road Leads To You   Everything's Coming Up Roses   Everythings coming up Roses   Fat as I am!   Favorite waste of time   Fever   Finale: Up The Ladder To The Roof\/boogie Woogie B...   Fire Down below   Firends   Fit As I Am   Folks Who Live On The Hill   For all we know   Fried Eggs   Fried Eggs(spoken word)/Hello in there   Friends   Friends - Alternate   Friends - Oh My MY!   Friends -alternate   Friends (Side 2, Cut 1)   Friends (Side 2, Cut 6)   From a Distance   From A Distance (Christmas Version)   From A Distince   Gift of Love   Give Him A Great Big Kiss   God Give Me Strength   God Give Me Strength [Album Version]   God Help The Outcasts   Hallelujah   Hang on in there Baby   Happiness Is A Thing Called Joe   Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas   Have Yourself A Merry Little Chrsitmas   He Needs Me   He Was Too Good To Me / Since You Stayed Here   He was too good to me/Since you stayed here   He Was Too Good To Me\/since You Stayed Here   He's A Tramp   He's Sure The Boy I Love   He's A Tramp   Heart over head   Heaven   Hello In There   Hey There   Higher & Higher (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me)   Higher & Higher (your Love Keeps Lifting Me)   Higher and Higher   Higher And Higher (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me)   Homecoming Monologue   How Love Moves   Hurricane   Hurry on Down   I believe in you   I Don't Want The Night To End   I Don't Want The Night To End   I know this town   I Know You By Heart   I Love Being Here With You   I Love You   I never talk to strangers   I Put A Spell On You   I remember you   I Remember You / Dixie's Dream"(feat. James Cann   I remember you/ Dixie's dream   I Remember You/ Dixie's Dream   I Remember You/Dixie's Dream   I Remember You\/dixie's Dream   I Shall be released   I sold my heart to the junkman   I think it's going to rain today   I Think It's Going To Rain Today   I'll Be Home For Christmas   I'm A Woman   I'm Beautiful   I'm Beautiful [Danny Tenaglia Continental Club Mix...   I'm Hip   I'm singing Broadway   I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm   I've Got My Love To Keep You Warm   I've still got my health   I've Still Got My Health [From Beaches]   I'll Be Home For Christmas   I'm A Woman   I'm Beautiful   I'm Hip   I'm Singing Broadway   I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm   I've Still Got My Health   If Momma Was Married   In my life   In The Cool, Cool, Cool Of The Evening   In the mood   In These Shoes   In These Shoes?   In this life   Intermission: You're Moving out Today   Is it love   Is That All There Is?   It's the Girl   It's too Late   It's Too Late   Just My Imagination   Just My Imagination (Running Away With Me)   Just My Imagination Running Away   Keep on rockin'   Keep On Rockin'   La Vie en Rose   Laughing Matters   Leader of the pack   Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!   Let Me Call You Sweatheart   Let me Call you sweetheart   Let me Drive   Let Me Entertain You   Let me just follow behind   Little Lamb   Long Delta Blues   Long John Blues   Love me with a feeling   Love says it's waiting   Love Says It's Waiting   Love T.K.O.   Love TKO   Lullaby in Blue   Make yourself Comfortable   Mambo Italiano   Manhattan   Marahuana   Marriage, Movies, Madonna And Mick   Marriage, Movies, Madonna, And Mick (spoken Word)   Married Men   May We Entertain You   Mele Kalikimaka   Memories Of You   Merry Christmas   Midnight in Memphis   Millworker   Milworker   Miss Otis Regrets   Moonlight Dancing   Moses   Mr Goldstone   Mr. Goldstone   Mr. Rockefeller   Mr. Sandman   Mr. Wonderful   Mr. Wonderful [From Mr. Wonderful]   Mrrockefeller   Mrwonderful   My eye on you   My Favorite Waste Of Time   My knight in black leather   My mother's eyes   My Mother's Eyes   My one True friend   Nanette   Night and Day   No Jestering   Nobody Else But You   O Come, O Come, Emmanuel   Oh Industry   Oh My My   Old Cape Cod   On A Slow Boat To China   One Fine Day   One For My Baby   One For My Baby (And One For The Road)   One For My Baby (And One More For The Road)   One Monkey don't stop no show   One Monkey Don't Stop No Show   One more round   One True Friend   Only In Maimi   Only in Miami   Optimistic Voices / Lullaby of Broadway   Optimistic Voices\/lullaby Of Broadway   Otto Tisling   Otto Titsling   Otto Tittsling   P.S. I love you   P.si Love You   Paradise   Perfect Isn't Easy   Perfect Isn't Easy   Rain   Ready To Begin Again   Red   Rose   Rose's Turn   Rose's Turn   Say Goodbye to Hollywood   Shining Star   Shiver Me Timbers   Shiver Me Timbers / Samedi Et Vendredi   Shiver Me Timbers/Samedi Et Vendredi   Shiver Me Timbers\/samedi Et Venderedi   Shiver Me Timbers\/Samedi Et Vendredi   Since You Stayed Here   Sisters   Sisters (White Christmas)   Skylark   Small World   Small World"(feat. Peter Reigert   Soda & a Souvenir   Soda and a souvenir   Sold My Soul to Rock 'n Roll   Sold My Soul To Rock 'N' Roll   Sold My Soul to Rock & Roll   Sold my soul to Rock and Roll   Some people   Some People's Lives   Some People's Lives   Something Your Heart Has Been   Somewhere Along the Way   Somewhere In My Memory   Song of Bernadette   Soph   Spring Can Really Hang You Up The   Spring can really Hang you up the most   Spring Really Can Hang You Up The Most   Stay With me   Stay With Me   Storybook Children   Strangers in the Night   Stuff like that There   Summer   Summer ( The First Time )   Superstar   Superstar   Surabaya Johnny   Taking Aim   Taking Aim (spoken Word)   Talk to me of mendocino   Teach Me Tonight   Tell Him   Tenderly   That's How Heartaches Are Made   That's how love moves   That's How Heartaches Are Made   That's How Love Moves   The Folks Who Live On The Hill   The Gift of Love   The Girl Friend of the Whirling Dervish   The Girl Is on to You   The Girl is one to you   The Glory of love   The Glory of Love [From Beaches]   The hunter gets captured by the game   The last time   The perfect kiss   The Rose   The Rose (Single Mix - Orchestrated Version)   The Rose [From the Rose]   The Rose [LP Version]   The Unfettered Boob (spoken Word)   The Wind Beneath My Wings   This Ole House   Those Wonderful Sophie Tucker Jokes   To comfort you   To deserve you   To Deserve You [Album Version]   Together, Wherever we go   Together, Wherever We Go"(feat. Peter Reigert and ...   Too Many Fish In The Sea   Tragedy   Twisted   Ukelele Lady   Ukulele Lady   Under the Boardwalk   Up the Ladder to the Roof   Up! Up! Up!   Uptown / Don't Say Nothin' Bad (About My Baby) / D...   Uptown/Don't Say Nothin' Bad (About My Baby)/Da Do...   Uptown/Don't say nothing bad about my baby/ - Doo ...   Uptown/Don't Say Nothing Bad About My Baby/Doo Run...   Uptown/don’t Say Nothing Bad About My Baby/ - Do...   Uptown\/don't Say Nothin' Bad (about My Baby)\/doo...   Vickie and Mr. Valves   Vickie Eydie   Viva Las Vegas   Waterfalls   What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?   What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?   When a Man loves a woman   When a Man Loves a Woman [From the Rose]   When Your Life Was Low   When Your Love Was Low   White Christmas   White Christmas (White Christmas)   White Christmas [From White Christmas]   Whose Side Are You On   Whose Side are you on?   Why Bother? (spoken Word)   Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow   Wind Beneath My Wings   Wind Beneath My Wings [From Beaches]   Winter Wonderland   Winter Wonderland \/ Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let...   Yellow beach Umbrella   You can't always get what you want   You Can't Always Get What You Want\/i Shall Be Rel...   You Can't Hurry Love   You Can't Always Get What You Want   You don't know me   You Don't Own Me   You Don't Own Me   You Gotta Get a Gimmick   You'll never get away from me   You'll Never Get Away From Me"(feat. Peter Reigert   You'll Never Know   You're moving out today   Your love keeps liftin me higher

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