Fembot In A Wet T-shirt
Frank Zappa

Act I

SCENE FIVE
THE WET T-SHIRT CONTEST

After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by
Toad-O's road crew, and being too exhausted to do
their laundry on a regular basis, MARY is dumped in Miami.
With no money (and no other famous rock groups due into
the area for at least three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks
by entering the Wet T-Shirt contest at The Brasserie...


IKE:
Looks to me like something funny
Is going on around here
People laughin' 'n' dancin' 'n' payin'
Entirely too much for their beer
And they all think they are
Clean outa-site
And they're ready to party
Cause the sign outside says it's WET T-SHIRT NITE
'N' they all crave some Hot delight
Well the girls are excited
Because in a minute
They're gonna get wet
'N' the boys are delighted
Because all the titties
Will get 'em upset
'N' they all think they are Reety-awright
'N' they're ready to boogie
'Cause the sign outside says it's WET T-SHIRT NITE
'N' they all crave some Pink delight
When the water gets on'em
Their ninnies get rigid
'N' look pretty bold
It's a common reaction
That makes an attraction
Whenever it's cold
'N'all of the fellas
They wish they could bite
On the cute little nuggets
The local girls are showin' off tonite
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
You know I think it serves 'em right
And it's WET T-SHIRT TIME AGAIN
I know you want someone to show you some tit!
BIG ONES! WET ONES! BIG WET ONES!

At this point, FATHER RILEY (who had been recently de-frocked
for not meeting his quota, and has grown his hair out and
bought a groovy sport coot and moved to Miami and changed
his name to BUDDY JONES) steps onto the crowded bandstand
in his exciting new role as a WET T-SHIRT CONTEST EMCEE...


BUDDY JONES:
Ah, thanks, IKE...
Yes, it's WET T-SHIRT TIME AGAIN
Here at The Brasserie... Home of THE TITS... huh huh...
And it's the charming Mary from Canoga Park
Up next in her bid for the semi-finals...
Hi,Mary...howya doin?

Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, MARY does
not recognize the former religious personage from her nights in the
rectory basement during which she acquired her basic manual skills…
confounded by his sport coat, she replies...


MARY: Hi!

Realizing that she no longer recognizes him... or even appreciates
the patient religious training he had given her in the past, BUDDY JONES,
like a true WET T-SHIRT EMCEE type person, proceeds to say various
stupid things to waste time, making the contest itself take longer, thereby
giving the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an opportunity to buy
more exciting beverages. . . liquid products that will expand their
consciousnesses to the point whereby they might more fully enjoy the ambiance
of Miami By Night...


BUDDY JONES:
Where ya from?

MARY:
Ah, the bus...

BUDDY JONES:
Which one?

MARY:
You know...the last tour...
You know...
Leather

BUDDY JONES:
Oh.. .you were the girl that was stuck to seat 38 on Phydeaux III...
why don't you get in position now and take a deep breath, because
this water is very, very cold, but it's goin' to be so stimulating. And
Mary's the kind of Red-Blooded American Girl who'll do anything...

MARY:
Anything...

BUDDY JONES:
I said anything... for fifty bucks
That's right!

MARY:
I really need the fifty bucks you know I gotta get home!

BUDDY JONES:
Yeh, I know, your father is waiting for you in the tool shed... that's right,you
heard right... our big prize tonite is fifty American Dollars to the girl with
the most exciting mammalian protruberances...


MARY: Here I am!

BUDDY JONES: ...
as viewed through a thoroughly soaked, stupid looking white sort of male
person's conservative kind of middle-of-the-road COTTON UNDER-GARMENT!
Whoopee! And here comes THE WATER!


MARY:
EEEK!

BUDDY JONES:
No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you ...sounds like you just got an
ice pick in the forehead... AND HERE COMES THE ICE PICK IN THE FOREHEAD...
a million laughs, Mary! Anyway


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The Man  Hawaiian T-Shirt - Lemuria  Red T-Shirt - Bertoldi Brothers  Favorite T-Shirt - Constantine Maroulis  New T-Shirt - Glorytellers  Rubinoos T-Shirt - Hormones in Abundance  Tiny T-Shirt - AKB48  T-Shirt Commercial - The Mr. T Experience  T-Shirt Money - A  Black T-Shirt - Slaid Cleaves  T-shirt Suntan - Stereophonics  Old T-Shirt - Jake Coco  I'm Not Even Going To Try...  The Word Family Song ("ET") - Sesame Street  The Man He Used To Be - Jerry Jeff Walker  T-shirt Weather in the Manor - Kano  The Great American T-Shirt Racket...  The Sexorcist - Tech N9ne  My God (Interlude) - K'naan  Wet, Wet, Wet - Badly Drawn Boy  Wet! Wet! Wet! - Princess Superstar  Wet!Wet!Wet! - Princess Superstar  Wet! Wet! Wet! - Rednex  Wetsuit - The Vaccines  Don't Make Me Wet - E-Rotic  Golden Hour - Midlake  Monster In A Shirt - Headland  Cool Thing - Rascal Flatts  Tight Tee Shirt - Benji Hughes  Coke & Wet - Spank Rock  Buy Me A Condo - Weird Al Yankovic  I'm Da Man (Remix) - D4L  Wet G-Mix - Snoop Dogg  Good Parts - Deloris  The Beach Party - Hot Chip  Parang Kamukha - Gary Granada  I Got A Thing For Her - Jason Derulo  Ladies - J. Cole  Wet Wet - Waka Flocka Flame  Vacationeering - Migratory Animals  Corpse Grindin' Man - Harley Poe  I Chase The Devil - The Upsetters  Varsity - Abducted  Killed By Killers Who Kill Each Other...  My Homies Still - So You Think You Can Dance  Where It's At - Dustin Lynch  There's a shirt of yours at my house - Iron On  Wet - R.A.E. 'dale'  Kicking and Screaming - Oh My  Something's Jumpin' In Your Shirt...  Song for the Dumped [*] - Ben Folds  Paralyzer - Past Lives  The Summer Of '93 - Bobby Bare Jr.  Behaviour - Beatsteaks  She Don't Belong to Me - Tom Odell  Straight Jeans & Fitted - Vybz Kartel  Straight Jeans & Fitted [Raw] - Vybz Kartel  Straight Jeans And Fitted - Vybz Kartel  We Make You Go Through Puberty - Tim Wakefeild  Picture This - Adina Howard  Somewhere in Mexico - The Barely Legal  In My Head - Dierks Bentley  My Favourite T-Shirt - City Riots  Je T'ai Vu Me Voir - Les Trois Accords  Reseda Casino - Shivaree  Perfect Storm - Brad Paisley  The Rains Came - Bj Thomas  Chris Brown Wet The Bed is a new song by American ...  The Naturist - Ham Sandwich  Blackleg Miner - Richard Thompson  DVD - The Song Will Remain - Steeleye Span  I Just Saw The Gayest Guy On Earth - Anal Cunt  Girl Like You - Bryan Shayne  Losing My Shirt - Dan Potthast  26 Lettaz In Da Alphabet - Linkin Park  First Time - Tyga  Salt Shaker [Multimedia Track] - Ying Yang Twins  Salt Shaker [Extended Remix] - Juvenile  Salt Shaker [Remix] - Juvenile  Salt Shaker [Multimedia Track] - Ying Yang Twins  Salt Shaker [Extended Remix] - Juvenile  Salt Shaker [Remix] - Juvenile  Salt Shaker - Lil Jon  Straight Jeans & Fitted - Vybz Kartel  A Silent Sonnet - Shyla  Free things for poor people - Infadels  More Perfect - Burning Mona Lisa  Nothin' To Lose - Josh Gracin  The Bomb - Bitter:Sweet  Take Your Shirt Off - T-Pain  Take Your Shirt Off - T PAIN  Bootlegger (Skit)/Areola/Bootlegger (Outro)...  Dead Plane - No Age  Slippery When Wet - The Commodores  In neon - Disco Ensemble  The Game - Dark Princess  Public School Boy - Bis  Antarctica - FFS  The Weightlifter - Smog  One Of Those Boys - Lauren Alaina  My Homies Still - Lil Wayne  Gimmie That Girl - Joe Nichols  Slap Your Mouf - Wecamewithbrokenteeth  Che Guevara T-Shirt - Richard Shindell  T-Shirt Sun Tan - Stereophonics  X French T-Shirt - Shudder To Think  T-Shirt and Jeans - Hank Green  I Min T-Shirt - Rasmus Seebach  T Shirt Sun Tan - Stereophonics  Boxers - Lil' Flip  Cream On My Arms - Austin Lace  The Weightlifter - (Smog)  Jest's Birthday - Kimya Dawson  Jest's Birthday - Kimya Dawson  Sheena Is A T-Shirt Salesman - Future Of The Left  Picturesque - Modesty Panel  Hurt (feat. Alfamega and Busta Rhymes) - T.I.  What Looks Best On You - Dave Edmunds  Supa Freak - Young Jeezy  The chance is gone - Howie Beck  Southern Voice - Tim McGraw