I fancy I’ll open a stationer’sStock quaint notepads for weekend pagansWhile you were out at the Rollright StonesI came and set fire to your shed.‘Coz you probably work at an all-night garageYou probably work at an all-night garageYou probably work at an all-night garageWith talk radio on.And you curse my soul if I don’t want petrolCurse my soul ‘coz I don’t want petrolI only came down for a tube of PringlesSour Cream and Chives.And because you’ve got to get up off your fat arse to go and get my crispsAnd you’ve gotta go round the counter and it’s really “inconvenient”,And when you come back you toss them into that sliding metal tray device thing that separates us and you say “One pound thirty five.”As opposed to “That’ll be one pound thirty-five please, sir.”This is of course done to annoy me, but has the opposite effect of amusing me no end, because suddenly I’ve got other things to buyI’ll ‘ave two scotch eggs and a jar of marmiteTwo scotch eggs and a jar of marmiteTwo scotch eggs and a jar of marmiteWhat sandwiches have you got?Well now you become quite irateAnd you’re voice becomes louderAnd you start to sound like Leadbelly at the depot“I got Ham, I got Cheese, I got Chicken, I got Beef, I got Tuna Sweetcorn, I’ve got Tuna Sweetcorn”.I’ll ‘ave… ten kit-kats and a motoring atlasTen kit-kats and a motoring atlasTen kit-kats and a motoring atlasAnd a blue CD on the Hallmark label, that’s sure to be good.Oh, he went to play golf on a Sunday morning,Just a mile and a half from town.His head was found on the driving range,And his body’s never been found.
Lyrics by Half Man Half Biscuit
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