The Loss Adjuster
Jarvis Cocker

Sitting in the World's End with some indie friendsnA newsflash on the TV says the world's about to end.nCan't catch all the details 'cos the volume's turned downnThis is the last night on Earth, as spent in Camden Town.nnThere's no way to escapenThis is it.nTomorrow we will all be gonenSo check what time the band are onnLet's go outside.nnYeah and this was the night I was going to balance the booksnThe night I turned a minus into a plus.nThe night my adjustment became completenI could start again with a clean sheet.nnNow I can't get through 'cos all the networks are downnAnd fires are starting all over town.nAnd you're probably being gang-banged by tattooed locals -nDamn those Yokels! Damn those Yokels!nnAnd a girl cries as she stumbles by,n'No, the world can't end now - it's got to waitnIt can't end when I haven't got a boyfriend nand I'm half a stone overweight.'nnAnd the guys from Arlington House are marauding the streetsnAnd convent girls are screwing every man that they meetnAnd the album you just bought will never get heardnOh yeah - complete social breakdown has occurred.nnAnd you find yourself thinking about Egyptian SuenAnd the evil things that she used to donAnd the night you almost did it after the wedding receptionnBut you didn't have any contraceptionnAnd anyway, you couldn't get an erection.nnNow what the hell made you think of her?nCould it be that old saying coming true?nThat 'nothing could survive a nuclear holocaustnExcept cockroaches, and Egyptian Sue.'nBut even Sue won't make it throughnNo, even Sue won't make it through this time.nnIt was around this time that the levels of hysteria around the Kentish Town Road area caused a warping of the Space / Time Continuum nAnd I found myself face to face with a version of myself from fifteen years earlier, when I'd lived in the area.n'Greetings Indie Legend,' said I.n'Fuck off Sad Bell-End,' came the reply.nI wanted to warn him about the rough times aheadnBut for some reason he had his coat pulled over his head and wouldn't listen.nI left him trying to extricate a punctured Spacehopper from under some rubble in a skip.n'He'll find out soon enough,' I thought.nnAnd then suddenly I realised that I could no longer breath.nnHere we gonMove alongnOne last timenThe loss adjuster lost his mindnToo many claims, too little timenTo file them.nnAnd suddenly it was a Tuesday afternoonnAnd I could see it all crystal-clearnLike a giant chandelier, turning slowly in the sideways sunlightnHanging by a thread with only seconds to lastnAnd each time you rang it was like an Indian call-centre on the linen'Yes, I'm doing fine -njust like the last timenAnd the last timenMake this the last time.'nnWe'll all be gone by Monday morningnThis is it, your final warningnYou never did see Dog Day Afternoon.nHere today, but gone tomorrownNow you could hang your head in sorrownOr you could do itnBut you'd better do it soon.nnNow we'll all be gone by Monday morningnThis is it, your final warningnYou never did see Dog Day Afternoon.nHere today, but gone tomorrownYou could hang your head in sorrownYou could do itnBut you'd better do it soon.nnWe'll all be gone by Monday morningnThis is it, your final warningnYou never did see Dog Day Afternoon.nHere today, but gone tomorrownNow you could hang your head in sorrownYou could do itnBut you'd better do it soon.

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