I stayed off work today
Jake Thackray

I stayed off work all day the day I met you, darling, and insteadnWe spent the morning in the park and the afternoon in bed.nBut by the teatime we were hungry, I went to shop for you.nThe butcher took a fiver for a porterhouse for two.nI'll be blowed! I'll be blowed!nThe butcher was a twister!nI'll be damned! I'll be damned!nHe only gave us change of a quid.nI was done, I was done:nThe porterhouse was brisket.nHe says: 'Open up your eyes,' he says,nAnd learn to do as I did.n'Open up your eyes,' he says,n'And learn to do as I did.'nnThey can do me, do me, darling; I have nothing else to lose.nHim and his poxy porterhouse can cheat me if they choose.nThey can do me, do me, do me, do me, darling, as they do;nThe pussyfooting butcherman would laugh aloud if he knewnThat since you took my eyes, they do not do as others' do.nnThe day before your birthday I was miserably broke,nMooching up a ginnel, when this military blokenComes up and says he'll give us a sub to buy a flower or two for you.nHe hands me down a shilling and I signs an I.O.U.nI'll be blowed! I'll be blowed!nThe soldier was a scoundrel!nI'll be damned! I'll be damned!nAnd the shilling was a dud.nI was done, I was done:nI'd joined the sodding army.n'With a rifle in your hand,' he says,n'You'll do as everyone would.nA rifle in your hand and younWill do as everyone would.'nnThey can do me, do me, darling; I have nothing else to lose.nHim and his piffling rifle can dragoon me if they choose.nThey can do me, do me, darling, they can do me as they do;nThe scoundrel of a corporal would chuckle if he knewnThat since you held my hand it does not do as others' do.nnI was trained at scaling obstacles and marching every daynI got good enough to scale the barracks wall and march awaynBut the bloodhounds came and got me and they said, if I confessed,nThe justice of the peace would smile on me and do his best.nI'll be blowed! I'll be blowed!nThe magistrate was bogey!nI'll be damned! I'll be damned!nHe usually gave a year or two.nI was done, I was done:nHe did his best and gave me twenty.n'With a chain about your feet,' he says,n'You'll do as others do.nA chain about your feet,' he says,n'Now do as others do.'nnThey can do me, do me, darling; I have nothing else to lose.nHim and his pettifoggery can shackle me if they choose.nThey can do me, do me, do me, do me, darling, as they do;nThe tricky old juridical would snicker if he knewnThat since you kissed my feet they do not do as others' do.nnA bishop came to see me as I languished in the cell;nGive us a blessing and asked if I was short of anything else.nAnd I said that I was thirsty so he went and got a cup;nLooks at me and nods and I politely drink it up.nI'll be blowed! I'll be blowed!nThe bishop was a rascal!nI'll be damned! I'll be damned!nAnd him a bishop if you please.nI was done, I was done:nIn the cup was holy water.n'You're a Christian, now, you are,' he says,n'So down upon your knees.nNow a proper Christian, so down upon your knees.'nnThey can do me, do me, darling; I have nothing else to lose.nHim and his holy water trick can save me if they choose.nThey can do me, do me, do me, do me, darling, as they do;nThe rascally episcopal would giggle if he knewnThat since you touched my knees they do not do as others' do.nnAnd then a bony angel, with a hammer and some wings,nCame and said that I could see you again if I went to live with him.nSo I said yes, and so he hit me with his hammer a time or two;nHe took me to his mansion, on the doorstep there was you.nI'll be blowed! I'll be blowed!nThe angel was a bounder!nI'll be damned! I'll be damned!nHe took you up the stairs.nI was done, I was done:nHe threw me down the boilerhouse.n'There's one born every minute,' he says,n'We keep 'em all in there.nOne born every minute he says,n'And we keep 'em all down there.'nnThey can do me, do me, darling; I have nothing else to lose.nHim and his crematorium can grill me if they choose.nThey can do me, do me, do me, do me, darling, as they do,nThe dangerous old angelface would frown a bit if he knewnThat since you took me in I do not do as others do.

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Lyrics by Jake Thackray

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