When I was six years old, my sister Alyson
Asked for a stove for her birthday
A miniature one you could actually cook with
And my mom was nice and she bought one
Alyson needed a reason to bake something
Barged in my room and she grabbed me
She said, I made a cake and we're going next door
To Sam Weinstein's and you're getting married
The cake was burned
It tasted gross
She made me kiss him
On the mouth
Now I am thirty-three, unmarried happily
No plans in life and I'm planning to keep it that way
I do kissing with only one mission
Do you like to kiss? Then you have my permission
And I have already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to
So if I just want to make out all the time
You can bet your black ass that I'm going to
When I was nine I was kind of a loser
The kids in my class didn't like me
Melanie Chow was the meanest of all
And my mom made me go to her party
Nobody talked to me, I sat there quietly
Drawing with crayons on a napkin
A picture of Melanie skewered with a pitchfork
Her legs getting eaten by lions
The cake was good
I took some home
I had a party
In my room
Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser
But I go to bars all alone and I sit there
And order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people
Yes, that's how I like it
And I've already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to
So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine
You can bet your black ass that I'm going to
Yes I come here often
Sure I'll have another one
Yes I come here often
Sure I'll have another one
But I don't have to talk to you
When I was seventeen I was a blowjob queen
Picking up tips from the masters
I was so busy perfecting my art
I was clueless to what they were after
Now I'm still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
I don't make love now to make people love me
But I don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
We're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic
And
When I was twenty-five I was a rock star
But it didn't pay too well, I had to strip on the side
Of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
Baby they'd never know what a bargain they'd gotten
And if I'm forgotten
I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
And I still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me
I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me
And I've already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to
So if I want to drink alone dressed like a pirate
Or look like a dyke
Or wear high heels and lipstick
Or hide in a convent
Or try to be mayor
Or marry a writer
Smoke crack and slash tires
Make jokes you don't like
Or paint ducks and retire
YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I'M GOING TO
Do You Swear to Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth or So Help Your Black Ass
Amanda Palmer
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Lyrics by Amanda Palmer
11 Ambien Another Year [2004 version] Another Year: A Short History of Almost Something Astronaut: A Short History of Nearly Nothing Because the Origami Bitter (Demo) Blake Says Blake Says [2005 version] Bluesboy Bluesboy Christmas Circus Freak Love Triangle Colorblind Creep (Radiohead cover) Dear Old House That I Grew Up In Doctor Oz Drop Me Eclectic Song Eclectic Song Gaga Palmer Madonna I Believe in Aeroplanes I Google You I Want You, But I Don't Need You (Momus cover) I’ll Be My Mirror Idioteque (Radiohead cover) Lonsome Organist Rapes Page Turner Not Mine One Tiny Thing Please Drop Me Pro-Vanity Pro-Vanity Rhyme & Rhythm Slide Slide Straight Straight (2007) Straight (With Strings) The Assistant The Bed Song The Breakfast Summit (Take the Money and Run) The First Time The Living Room The New Game The Point of It All The Problem With Saints The Truth The Ukulele Anthem (Play Your Ukulele) Three Men Hanging (Murder by Death cover) Train Trout Heart Replica Valentine's Vegemite Love Song What's The Use Of Wond'rin' (feat. Annie Clark)
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