LyricMeaning

0Cleaning Out My Closet
Angel Haze

[Intro]

Now, this might get a little personal

Or a lot actually

Parental discretion is advised


[Verses]

When I was ten, shit, I believed I could fly

I would just flap my fucking arms and try to meet with the sky

And in my mind I'd envision that I was speaking with god

And then I'd chop his fucking fist off and beat him with mine

But this is just a fucking portion of the war with my mind

So I'mma take you fuckers back and through the vortex of time

When I was seven envision me at the bottom of stairs

And I solemnly swear that this is the truth, no fallacy here

See I was young, man, I was just a toddler, a kid

And he wasn't the first to successfully try but he did

He took me to the basement and after the lights had been cut

He whipped it out and sodomized and forced his cock through my gut


See it was weird because I felt like I was losing my mind

And then it happened like it happened millions of times

And I would swear that I would tell but they would think that I was lyin'

And now the power that he held was like a beacon of mine

So now I got used to it, I put up with the shit

And now my hate was so volcanically eruptive and shit

But this is nothing cause I guess he told his friend what he do

And they hate it up, shit I was like a buffet for two


And then it happened in a home where every fucking one knew

And they ain't do shit but fucking blame it on youth

I'm sorry mom but I really used to blame it on you, but even you, by then wouldn't know what to do


And now it happened so often that he was getting particular

And I'm more scared every time -- my speed and ventricular

One night he came home and I was asleep in my bed

He climbed on top of me and forced himself between my legs

He told me: Hey --, I see you like them popsicle sticks so put your mouth on my deck and fucking swallow the spit

And I was confused but I was scared so I did what he said

I had no the effect it would have on my head

My heart was pumping it was thumping with like tons of my fear

Imagine being seven and seeing cum in your underwear

I know it's nasty but sometimes I'd even bleed from my butt

Disgusting right? Now let that feeling ring through your guts


I thought of offing myself, I thought of killing these niggas

Wanted to take a fucking brick and push they teeth through they liver

Wanted to smash the fucking world and burn its leftover parts

Wanted to rip it out and just fucking step on my heart


Then I grew up and I wasn't within the reach of these men

But that didn't keep me out the motherfucking reach of my sin

And psychologically I was just as fucked as they come

I was confused, I had to prove I wasn't fucked from the jump

I was afraid of myself, I had no love for myself

I tried to kill, I tried to hide, I tried to run from myself

There was a point in my life where I didn't like who I was

So I'd create the other people I would try to become

Sexuality came into play and with as scared as I was

I was extremely scared of men so I started liking girls

I started starving myself, fucked up my bodily health

I didn't wanna be attracted to nobody else

I didn't want the appeal, wanted to stunt my own growth

But there's a fucking reason behind every scar that I show

I never got to be a kid so that's as far as I grow

My mental state is out of date, and that's as far as I know


My biggest problem was fear, and what being fearful could do

It made me run, it made me hide it made me scared of the truth

I'm not deranged anymore, I'm not the same anymore

I mean I'm sane but I'm insane but not the same as before

I had to deal with my shit, I had to look at my truth

To understand that to grow you've got to look at your root

I had to cut off the dead, I had to make myself proud

And now I'm just standing living breathing proof look at me now

I made it through everything, I made you look like a clown

I'm fucking great can't fucking hate you nigga look at me now


Now I'm just saying this to tell you there's a way from the ground

--

Just be strong and just move on and just accept what I can

Because it makes your story better when you read at the end


[Outro]

Yeah, there's a story behind every single scar that I show

I made it out, this a me nobody's gotten before

I had to open my wounds, I had to bleed til I stopped it

Thanks for joining me here as I cleaned out my closet

I said I opened my wounds, I had to bleed til I stopped it

Thanks for joining me here as I cleaned out my closet


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Lyrics by Angel Haze

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