Worthless Recluse
Jandek

Worthless recluse
Bang, pow, steel, muscle, k
What worse, I'm alone
Grown the bane of not being interested in the plate they passed to you
All the pleasure spots in the city
And if I walk in, my person screams
I'm obviously out of place
My shoes don't kick one over the other
So much as they used to
I'm here, God knows it
But where are you
The object of my satisfaction?
But this solitude doesn't agree with anyone
What's my name?
Go, and be alone, and stop crying
Well it's not any fun
And I look at myself being busy
And I know I'm putting something off
What is it?
I remember being alive
In the cold northern cities
I didn't need to think if I were interested
Eight-thirty wasn't too late
And I look at my lonely bed
Where once in my life I shared it regular
Oooooh, the years, and the time
These memories that keep me going
From one activity to another
Well I don't know which is the real life
What I do actively
Or when my thoughts are lost in time
My new house, in elegant comfort, is one thing
But being huddled in red, blue, and orange
Cracks in the walls, wind whistling
I'll not ever forget
And your face behind the flowers
Somehow branded to my half-life
Which may take over yet
Consciously I play the game of making money
Back in my brain, is the cold northern cities
And the cold that makes me jump up and down
I just can't seem to kill this pain today
I can't afford to do me in
And it makes me wonder whoever is happy in this world
I can't see them, are they there?
The supermarkets are always jam packed, the acceptable way
I got a big frame, born with it, sure do need a side of beef
42 heads of lettuce, 888 potatoes
And all the apple pies my Mack truck can drive away with
Cure all, better than a bandage
Better than the blue
Better even than TV
Oh oh, here comes the pain
Break out a barrel of cheese
Yep, we got ours
Ooh, coming on years since I met you
Half the time I saw you
Half the time one of your eyes looked past my shoulder
What was there? Was it better than my eyes?
When you let me see you
Nothing looked better
Even, unfortunate or not, me
Maybe that's why now, I view myself in the dream
And finding myself, and it hurts
And the dream is more fun
Anything beats the pain of being me and knowing I'm alone
And putting off doing something, whatever it is
I guess, something, like
Living in northern city doorways
Heading north, to the woods, to clean earth (?)
Back where the police invite you to
The back seat of their car, check you out
Why can't I shave and do my part to build man's home?
Where do you live, man? Do you really live here?
Why does my dream keep forgetting that?
Power, let's build power
I guess it spreads the English language
Communication, no more tribes with shrunken heads
It's inevitable, it's my playground
But I have to be serious
Step into the car, mister. What are you?
I'm a little boy, I don't wanna be big
I'll act out my part, and lean on my half-life
In times of trouble, or when it's just there
What else can I do?
Except be a man, and visit ice castle
And live on rocks even if it is cement
And anything's better than all this dirt and grass
So far from the woods, give me cement and wall to wall people
Let me know where I am
Or show me the way to the woods
Wearing deerskin shoes, and carrying a club
Or walking naked on top the snow, light as the air
Black leather head to toe
With some place to go.
I wanna be where no time is the wrong time
Where everything falls in place
Like fiber-optics, ultrasonic waves, and control systems
Control is the name of the game
Lord God, let me get it down
When I get it to a fine T, it's gone
Let it build to perfection, and stay
Oh well, take off
Target eternal light, all systems go. Satisfaction
Maybe then this worthless recluse can carry a torch
Look, I'm a human
But I'm something supernatural
The dream gives light
Listen all you dead and dying
Don't be afraid
If it hurts, let it die
The Easter lily blooms
Its smell surrounds the table
An unforgettable presence, an ominous sight
The purple foil covers the vase pot
Casting reflections through the diffused light
Such beauty and awesome fragrance
Who ever thought they could remove this sanctuary
I don't like fighting, especially when I'm fighting me
I'm staying up late and I don't really know why
I hope I can live till tomorrow and the next day without eating
I'm fed up with eating for a while
I know it, it's only weakness
That binds me at the supermarket counter
Trading green paper for something to do
Blessed are the sociable, that say stupid things
And get close to their neighbors
It takes a worthless recluse to shrink from groups
It takes a half-hearted chicken recluse
To live among people
The best of them disappear
And that's what it's all about
That's why I can't make it
I'm not strong enough to disappear
It takes a supernatural being to disappear
I'm not that good
This human thing in me wants me to be a hero
I want people to think I'm great
I want people giving me so much money
That I have an airplane, a boat and car and house that's everywhere
And the network to support all this
So where is it?
Stuck in the dream, because I don't have the courage to disappear
I know it's the only way to salvation, but
The old nag human me still wants to play with money, people and things
To make a name in the world
Disappearing to God's eye
And away from the eye of the world
Is the big step
Weaklings like me have to hang around, and play, and fudge, and delay
For fear of the big step
I'm just lucky I even know about it
The only reason I do know
Is I begged god to tell me about it
On my knees, screaming with pain
On the sixth floor, in New York City
So I'm telling you about it
Everyone doesn't have to live in northern doorways
To take the big step
Or go to the woods, or ice
We all have our way to go, but everyone knows
Now that I'm telling you
That there is something to do
A big step to take
Into the eye of God
Play human if you have to
But at least know
And don't kid yourself
Behind that big piece of delicious poison
All you dead and dying
Disappear to your own eye
So that you don't see yourself
Live the half-life
Step inside the dream


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Lyrics by Jandek

  About Today   Ace Of Diamonds   Aimless Breeze   Alehouse Blues   Alexandria Knows   All In An Apple Orchard   Alone On That Mountain   Ambient Instrument   Angel   Angel Moves   Answer   Anticipation   Anticipation   Away   Away   Babe I Love You   Babe I Love You   Ballad Of Robert   Ballad Of Robert   Be Going Down   Bedside   Bells And Voices   Birthday   Bitter Tale   Blind Cat   Blood And Bone   Bludgeon   Bludgeon   Blue Blister   Blue Blue World   Blues Turned Black   Branded On A Telephone   Breast In A Moonbeam   Breathtaker   Bring It Back To Seventy-Five   Bring It In A Manger   Bring It In A Manger   Bring On Fatima   C F   Call You The Sun   Can I See Your Clock   Caper   Carnival Queen   Cat That Walked From Shelbyville   Cave In On You   Cellar   Centaur Train   Chilocothe   Close To You   Closing   Clothes   Collection   Come Over Here   Come Through With A Smile   Come Through With A Smile   Comedy   Corner Of The Street   Could Be Anyone   Couldn't Be A Reader   Crack A Smile   Crazy   Crime Pays   Customary   Dance Of Death   Darkness You Give   Delinquent Words   Desert Voice   Didn't Ask Why   Didn't Have To Cry   Didn't Really Die   Do You Want Me   Don't Be So Mean   Don't Get Too Upset   Don't Know If I Care   Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t Want To Be   Don€™t Want To Be   Don’t Want To Be   Down At The Ball Park   Down At The Ball Park   Down Clown   Down Clown   Down In A Mirror   Dozen Drops   Dreaming Man   Dunes   Echo   Elementary Talk   Embrace The World Outside   Embrace The World Outside   Equaled In Life   Equaled In Life   European Jewel   European Jewel (Incomplete Take)   European Jewel 501   European Jewel 613   European Jewel II   Evening Sun   Every Sentence   Ezekiel   Faceless   Falling Down Deep   Faye   Faye   Feathered Drums   Find Me Again   First Awake Moment   First You Think Your Fortune's Lovely   Fishing Blues   Flowers On My Shirt   Flowers On My Shirt   Fly   Fly   For Today   For Today   For You And I   Forgive Me   Four By Four   Frosted Field   Frozen Beauty   Gate Strikes One   Georgia East   Ghost Town By The Sea   Give It The Name   Go To Bed   God Came Between Us   Going Away   Going Away My Darling   Gone Wait   Gone Wait   Governor Rhodes   Governor Rhodes   Green And Yellow   Green Dreams   Gretchen   Ha Ha   Hand For Harry Idle   Hand For Harry Idle   Helena   Hey   Hey Mister Can You Tell Me   Highway   Hilltop Serenade   Honey   House Of The Rising Sun   House Up On The Hill   House Up On The Hill   How Many Places   How Many Places   Humility Of Pain   I Ain't Got None   I Can Not   I Can't Leave A Clue   I Found The Right Change   I Gave My Eternity   I Give You Me   I Had'nt Been There Before   I Just Might Go Now   I Knew About Them   I Knew You Would Leave   I Knew You Would Leave   I Know My Name   I Know The Times   I Know You Well   I Love You Now It's True   I May Not Be Around   I Met You   I Need To Be   I Need Your Life   I Never Left You Anyway   I Passed By The Building   I See Lights   I See The Open Door   I Stared   I Stepped Out Of It   I Stepped Out Of It   I Talked To You Today   I Talked To You Today   I Threw You Away   I Threw You Away   I Want To Know Why   I Want To Know Why   I Want To Look In   I Was A King   I Went Outside   I Went To Hell   I Went To Hell   I'll Come Back   I'll Sit Alone And Think A Lot About You   I'm Not That Good   I'm Ready   If Your Fortune Fails You   In The Cave   Interlude   It Rang Eleven Times   It Seems Forever   It Would Only Be Action   It's Febuary   It's Only You   It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Forever   It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Your House   It€™s Forever   It€™s Your House   It’s Forever   It’s Your House   Jackson's Gone Down The Mississippi   Janitor   Janitor's Dead   Janky   Jessica   John Came   John Plays Drums   Just Die   Just Like The Floor   Just Whisper   Kick   Killer Cats In The Carribbean   Know Thy Self   Lake Lagoon   Lake Lagoon   Leave All You Have   Leave All You Have   Left The Beach Last Sunday   Let Me Hear The Words You Say   Letter   License To Kill   Liquids Flow To The Sea   Living End   Lofty Rider   Lonesome Bridge   Lonesome Company   Long Long   Long Long   Long Way   Look At It   Lost Cause   Love, Love   May 3   May 3   May 7, 9: 15 A.M.   Message To The Clerk   Message To The Clerk   Message To The Clerk, Pt.1   Message To The Clerk, Pt.2   Michael   Michael   Moon Dance   Morning Drum   Mostly All From You   Mothers Day Card   Moving Slow   Must Have Been A Miracle   My Escape   Naked In The Afternoon   Name I Had   Nancy Sings   Native Land   Needs No Sun   Nepoleon In Russia   Never Never Never   Nevermore   New Rendezvous   New Town   Niagra Blues   Nine-Thirty   No Break   No One Knows Your Name   No Slow Ones   No Time   Not Even Water   Nothing Is Better Than God   Nothing You Lack   Number 14   Number 512   Oh Jenny   Oh No   One Last Chance   One Last Chance   One Minute   One Minute   One Of Those Moments   One Of Those Moments   One The Planes   Only Lover   Only Way You Can Go   Open E   Out In The Rain   Out Of The Cave   Painted My Teeth   Part II   Part Yesterday   Part Yesterday   Pending Doom   Phillip Was Mentioned   Phillip Was Mentioned   Phoenix   Phoenix   Picture   Pieces Of Place   Place   Plenty   Point Judith   Poor Boy   Preacher   Professional   Put It Away   Quinn Boys   Quinn Boys II   Quite Nonchalant   Rain In Madison   Rather Be Blind   Rather Be Blind   Real Afternoons   Real Fine Movement   Real Wild   Real You   Relief Of The Night   Remain The Same   Remind You   Riddles Riddling Me   Riddles Riddling Me   Rifle In The Closet   Rifle In The Closet   River To Madrid   Rooftop Sunset   Sadie   Sadie   Sailors   Sailors   Same Road   Sand I   Sea Of Red   Second End   Second Thoughts   Sense Of Reason   Shadow Of Leaves   Share My Life   Share My Life   She Fell Down   Show Me The Way, O Lord   Show The Man Your Picture   Simple As That   Situations   Situations   Slinky Parade   Slinky Parade   Slow Burn   So Fly, Max   Solid Stone   Some Of Your Peace   Spanish In Me   Spanish In Me 003   Spirit   Spiritual Song   Split To The East   Star Of Zenith   Star Up In The Sky   Starless   Stars Spell Your Name   Steal Away Home   Stick With Me   Sticks in the Marsh   Stopped   Strange Phenomenon   Stumble   Such A Thrill   Sung   Supression   Take It Easy   Take Me Away With You   Take My Will   Talk That Talk   Telegraph Melts   Tell Me When   Tell Me Who You Are   Ten O'Clock Shadows   The First End   The Image Of You   The Other Side   The Times   They Don't Matter At All   They Knew My Game   They Knew My Game   They Told Me About You   They Told Me I Was A Fool   Thing Called Me   Think About Your Lady   Thinking   This Is A Death Dream   Time And Space   Time Will Come   Today   Twelfth Apostle   Twelve Minutes Since February 32'nd   Twenty - Four   Uncle Steve   Unconditional Authority   Until Then   Upon The Grandeur   Van Ness Mission   Variant   Voices In The Dark   Walking   Walking Around   Walking Home   Waltz In Two-Fourths Time   War Dance   Way That You Act   We're All Through   What   What Can I Say, What Can I Sing   What Did I Hear   What Do You Want To Sing   What Else Is There   What Should I Do   What Things Are   What You Are   What You Give Me   When I See You Again   When The Telphone Melts   Where I Stay   Where I Stay   Whiskers   Whiskers   White Box   White Knob   Wild Strawberries   Windy Time   Wondering   Work Of Art   World Stops   Wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t You Agree   Wouldn€™t You Agree   Wouldn’t You Agree   Wrap It Up   Wrong Time   Yellow Pages   Yes You Are   You   You Ancient   You Can Stop Now   You Didn't Lie   You Don't Have To Entertain Me   You Know You Need   You Made Me Know It   You Painted Your Teeth   You Sing A Song   You Standing There   You Think You Know How To Score   You Took Me For A Ride   You Wake Up Deadmen   You Won't Get Up   You're Not Even Alive   You're The Best One   Your Condition   Your Other Man   Your Own Little World   Your Turn   Your Visitor

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