(b. dolan)
I know myself,
Even better than jesus does.
I stole from churches.
I owe god money.
there was a girl with no gag reflex
and a summer with no idea
stealing to buy drugs with katie
who needed her smoke so much more than the pope
needed another painting in the vatican
days in the warehouse waiting
katie and the baby and katie
on my lunch break alone
us just wanting to be
alone
her nature versus nurture
she was wild; she was like a berserker fairy
breath sweetened with nicotine tar intention
tension and touching behind backs, whispers
in the house, excuses for the dark
hands for flesh and the most realest
despair in the
wide
wide universe
her parents were always home and never around
like her live in addict, accidental baby daddy:
his name was adrian
he used to stab himself in the leg with darts for attention
one day during an argument, he backed his truck up
down the street, then drove it at full speed into a tree in front of their house
i used to watch it all go down and want her
i used to feed the baby and try to come down
i was 18, she was 17,
i was into drugs, she was in love
it was all
all about me
as always
she heard my first slam poem.
all summer we went to cemeteries to smoke
that’s where i learned to open the box in my throat
sang the blues all over
but mostly in cemeteries
all life lived in me, i brought it to katie
and katie brought life
at 17.
17.
17.
she loved ice coffee
she loved me
she loved her daughter
she loved her stories
she loved everything & wanted only to love
i made her write it in a journal
and why is it
that when i wanted girls to inspire themselves
and come alive and write their fire into books and bleed like this for themselves and be healed like
i got it see? it’s not hard and its good and you can do it more did you yes good why is it
that they never did
until i kissed them
and then they would write things about me
which is not what i wanted
but was fun, and suddenly fed me
so i forgot where i was
which was
in the pages
being tattooed down
waiting to be turned over
making the mistake,
feeling her in the dark, the shock of her smell
the strength of her hold, like girls forget how to do when they get older
17
she had a grip like her baby.
was she 13 or 14
when one of the falco brothers
laced a joint with PCP
her and her cousin
katie couldn’t move
while he raped her
her cousin couldn’t move
while she watched.
for god’s sake, for the love of all time, in this life and the next, from heaven and hell
by any power that exists, by every force of compulsion in the universe; god-FUCK
the falco brothers, god hate them,
and destroy them before anything like justice
can ever exist
the motherfuckers who gave me my first punch in the face
who leered like the jackals of chaos over the beds of everything good
this is human cancer, living in the shadows of a ghost town
demanding innocence of off people like lunchmoney!
later raped it off them! jumped it off them! stripped it off them!
stole it from them!
multiplied and thrived til another generation of
sweet
smithfield girls was gone!
gone into the paths in the woods!
gone into whatever trailor held the grand nightmare of life that night
JESUS CHRIST! SMITHFIELD SCREAMS TO ME LIKE AN OPEN
MOUTH, BLACK MUD WITH RUSTED IRON GUMS AND GRINDING GEARS FOR TEETH
IN MY DREAMS!
HANTON CITY THE MONSTER OF TIME!
HEAVY FIST OF THE ALCOHOLIC DEATH-GOD
BLOATED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY FATHER!
STILL HOLDING HIM IN ITS JAWS!
GRINNING LIKE A FALCO AT ALL THE BODIES IN ITS BASEMENT
MURDER! MURDER!
SO MANY GIRLS
WHERE THE FUCK WERE THE PARENTS
WAS EVERYONE INSANE?
THE KIDS THE KIDS THE KIDS // ALL AROUND ME
GETTING LAID TO WASTE
JIMMY TO LONELINESS AND HIS MOTHER’S MESS
THOMAS TO LIES AND PRESSURE
JOHN TO SOME IDIOT CHURCH!
JOHN TO LEUKEMIA
DOMINIC PULLED AWAY FROM US BY DIVORCE
MONEY AND CONTEMPT!
MIKE, MIKE
MIKE, WITH NO EXCUSE
MIKE WITH NO MERCY
MIKE MY BEST FRIEND
MIKE TO BUTLER HOSPITAL, TO BUTLER TO BUTLER
TO ME TO BUTLER TO PILLS.
TO PILLS TO PILLS TO ME TO DEAD MUSICIANS
DEAD HANDS BIG BROTHER THE SERIOUS “FUCK YOU!” FROM THE SKY
THE INEVITIBILITY AND THE SIMPLE SURENESS THAT LIFE DOESN’T WANT YOU
WILL BREAK YOU SOON, AND IS MUCH TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO EVEN TRY
MIKE THE INEXPLICABLE, PERFECT AND ETERNAL
failure.
who lives to this day… i think. i have seen him this year.
i know that katie lives too.
i know that rena lives with her
i pray that adrian is gone
and that rena was never old enough to remember him
i know that rena was never old enough to remember me
i hope she has seen a picture of me holding her
i have a picture of her in my wallet
last month, for a couple weeks i forgot the name
of the baby in my wallet
the babies name is rena
i know that i will love them both until i die.
i went back to college and dropped out
katie went back to figuring this thing out
but was missing me
i forgot to miss her
for awhile
now things are slower
i know katie doesn’t fuck with drugs anymore
i know i mostly don’t either
im sorry for everything
but also not at all
i hope all things for them
jimmy, thomas, john & john paul
dominic, mike,
kate
rena.
Kate
B. Dolan
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Lyrics by B. Dolan
Alright Caretaker ft. Dan Le Sac, HowAboutBeth Crow On the Riddle Earthmovers Economy of Words (Bail It Out) Fall of T.R.O.Y. Graffiti Busters Heart Failure (Remix) Hon3y from a B33 House of Bees (Remix) Jailbreak Joan of Arcadia (Remix) Junk Poetry King Bee (Live In Liverpool) Lazarus Love Will Survive Lucifer (R.S.V.P.) Madge Tries to Record a Drop (Interlude) Memory of Bombs Mr. Buddy Buddy Natural Born Trouble ft. Neil Hamburger One Breath Left One Breath Left (Alias Remix) One Breath Left (Jackson of Grand Buffet Remix) Open Letter to Justin Timberlake Paid Dues (Remix) Radio Stockholm Freestyle Rats Get Fat Return to the Air Run the Machine Safety Theater Sea Legs (Remix) Seat at the Table ft. Worldwide Soldier Boy ft. Scroobius Pip (You Better Run RMX) State Trooper ft. WarrenPeace Stay Inspired Survived Another Winter (Remix) The Devil & Jack McCarthy The Devil is Alive (Lucifer pt. 2) The History of Atlantis The Scorpion Arrives These Rooms Tin Soldiers Who Killed Russell Jones You Can’t Win ft. Sage Francis (Epic B-Boy RMX) You Seem Strange
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