(spoken)
ROD
Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, Broadway
Musicals of the 1940s. No roommate to bother me.
How could it get any better than this?
NICKY
Oh, hi Rod!
ROD
Hi Nicky.
NICKY
Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me --
ROD
That's very interesting.
NICKY
He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might've thought I was gay!
ROD
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care?
I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?
NICKY
Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...
ROD
I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some
Gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read.
NICKY
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's
Something we should be able to talk about.
ROD
I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!!
NICKY
Yeah, but...
ROD
Over!!!
NICKY
Well, okay, but just so you know --
(sung)
If you were gay
That'd be okay.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.
Because you see,
If it were me,
I would feel free
To say that I was gay
(but I'm not gay).
ROD
Nicky, please! I am trying to read...
What?!
NICKY
If you were queer
I'd still be here,
Year after year
Because you're dear
To me.
And I know that you
Would accept me too,
If I told you today
Hey! Guess what,
I'm gay!
(But I'm not gay)
I'm happy
Just being with you.
So what should it
Matter to me
What you do in bed
With guys?
ROD
Nicky, that's GROSS!
NICKY
No, it's not!
If you were gay
I'd shout hooray!
And here I'd stay,
But I wouldn't get
In your way.
You can count on me
To always be
Beside you every day,
To tell you it's okay,
You were just born
That way,
And, as they say,
It's in your DNA,
You're gay!
ROD
But I'm not gay!
NICKY
If you WERE gay.
ROD
Argh!
If You Were Gay
John Tartaglia
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