If You Build a Better Mousetrap
Helen O'Connell

They say if you build a better mousetrap the world will beat a pathway to your house.
If Luke was to build a better mousetrap, somebody'd breed a smarter mouse.
If it started raining soup his family'd all have forks,
If they was to cut a woman in two, he'd get the half that talks.

Unlucky Luke, unlucky kid,
Why he broke into a betting shop and he lost four hundred quid.
Now his parents never loved him like they did his sister, Kim,
They could tied a kipper 'round his neck to get the cat to play with him.
And he cried the day that he was weened 'cause he knew even then,
It'd be twenty years before he was near anything like that again.

They put his cradle on the ??? near the door,
So the folks downstairs could hear him when he fell out on the floor.
Now the saddest day of Luke's unhappy life, beyond a doubt,
Was the day he went to hospital to get his tonsils out.
He was on the operating theatre trolley sleeping sound,
When a short-sighted nurse came past and turned the trolley 'round.

Unlucky Luke, no wonder he hollers,
His sick aunt died and in her will he owed her forty dollars.
Now Luke married Charlie's widow, a lady with no manners,
She had a figure like a hippo and face like a bag of spanners.
She told him she'd four children in the cemetary by the creek,
She forgot to tell they was down there playin' hide and seek.

Unlucky Luke, at the age of fifty-two,
Had a wife, a girlfriend and a tax demand and all three were overdue.
Now Luke came home one lunch time, he'd been out selling lucky charms,
He tripped over a neighbour's cat and fractures both his arms.}
He said, Hey, that's a black cat, why that's lucky, I've a hunch.
His wife said, That cat's lucky 'cause he's just had your lunch.

Last night he lost his pet alsation pup,
So he phoned up the Samaritans but the Samaritans hung up.
Oh Luke, he had to go to France, his wife said, I suppose you'll fly.
He said, With luck like mine the plane'll crash and I'm too young to die.
So he sailed there in the safety of an ocean-going ship,
But he got drowned when the boat went down when the plane crashed into it.

Unlucky Luke, unlucky Luke,
Until the day he died fate was against unlucky Luke.

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Lyrics by Helen O'Connell

A Beautiful Friendship [#] Amapola Amapola [#] Anytime Autumn Leaves [#] Blue and Broken Hearted Boog It Boulevard of Broken Dreams Bye Bye Blues Contrasts [Instrumental] Contrasts [Instrumental] Embraceable You I Cried for You I Remember You I Said No I See Your Face Before Me In a Little Spanish Town In the Still of the Night Jim Just for a Thrill Just in Time [#] Just One More Chance Just You Just Me Just You, Just Me Little Curly Hair in a High Chair Love Never Went to College Manhattan Melancholy Lullaby Minnie from Trinidad Moon River [#] No Other Love Not Mine Not Mine [#] One Sweet Letter from You Rub-A-Dub Dub Saturday Night (Is the Loneliest Night of the Week... September in the Rain [#] Six Lessons from Madame la Zonga Slow Poke Someday, Sweetheart Star Eyes Star Eyes [Extended Version] Star Eyes [From I Dood It!][Version] Star Eyes [From I Dood It][Version] Stay as Sweet as You Are Taking a Chance on Love [#] Tangerine Tangerine [#] Teardrops from My Eyes Ten Cents a Dance The Bad Humor Man The Loveliest Night of the Year The Nearness of You Till I Waltz Again With You Time Was We Never Talk Much When the Sun Comes Out When the Sun Comes Out [#] While the Music Plays On Witchcraft Witchcraft [#] Would I Love You (Love You, Love You) Would I Love You? You Showed Me the Way You Turned the Tables on Me Yours Yours (Quiereme Mucho) Zing a Little Zong!

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