Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)
Benny Hill
You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round.And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest,His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number 22.They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week.They called him Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, All right, sweetheart,And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up his cart.He said, D'you want it pasturize? 'Cause pasturize is best,She says, Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest.That tickled old Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee) And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, If you treat me right,You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night.He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way,And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day.Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.And as he lept down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse.Whose name was Trigger, (Triggerrrrrrrr)And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west.Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold top in his hand,He said, If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man.Oh why don't we play cards for her? he sneeringly replied,And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side.Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned,And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart,And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart.And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die,And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land.But a woman's needs are many fold and soon she married Ted,But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?They won't forget Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeee)And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.
Related Songs
Rodeo Rider - Gene Clark
Rodeo Rider [#] - Gene Clark
The Ballad Of Irving - Frank Gallop
Fastest Growing Heartache In The West...
Nolan Ryan - Jerry Jeff Walker
Nolan Ryan(He's A Hero To Us All)...
Nolan Ryan(He's A Hero To Us All)...
Milkman - Aphex Twin
Ernie Breaks The Cookie Jar - Sesame Street
Cell Block Tango (He Had It Comin') - Chicago
Cell Block Tango (He Had It Comin') - Chicago
Cell Block Tango - Chicago Soundtrack
Ernie Writes Another Story - Sesame Street
But I Like You - Sesame Street
Ernie Ball - Dolly Mixture
Ernie Eats Cookies In Bed - Sesame Street
Ernie Questions His Existence - Sesame Street
Milkman - Richard D. James
Loud And Soft - Sesame Street
Ernie And Bert Do The Laundry - Sesame Street
My Daddy Was a Milkman - The Kentucky Headhunters
Ernie And Bert Share A Cookie - Sesame Street
Ernie Helps Bert With His Sneeze - Sesame Street
Ernie Takes A Bath - Sesame Street
Six - Sesame Street
Upside-Down World - Sesame Street
Things That I Remember - Sesame Street
Bert Can't Sleep - Sesame Street
Clink Clank - Sesame Street
Ernie And Bert And The Binoculars - Sesame Street
Bert And Ernie's Other Blackout - Sesame Street
Bert And Ernie's Blackout - Sesame Street
Clink, Clank - Sesame Street
That's What Friends Are For - Sesame Street
La La La - Sesame Street
La, La, La - Sesame Street
One Fine Face - Sesame Street
Everybody Wash - Sesame Street
Ernie And Bert Have A Snack - Sesame Street
Ernie Presents The Letter Q - Sesame Street
The Milkman - Anything But...
Ernie Presents the Letter A - Sesame Street
Nightmare on Sesame Street - Green Jelly
I Refuse To Sing Along - Sesame Street
Ernie Cleans Up The Apartment - Sesame Street
Ernest Borgnine - John Grant
Do You Like Me? - Sesame Street
Share - Sesame Street
Bert And Ernie And The Fan - Sesame Street
Hanalei Road - Courtney Jaye
The "R" Machine - Sesame Street
Kin Folk - Sesame Street
Ernie Had An Hernia - Toy Dolls
Ernie's Ice Cream Cone - Sesame Street
Soph - Bette Midler
Milkman, Keep Those Bottles Quiet - Bing Crosby
Milkman Keep Those Bottle Quite - Ella Mae Morse
Milkman, Keep Those Bottles Quiet - Bing Crosby
Milkman, Keep Those Bottles Quiet [Different Versi...
Milkman Keep Those Bottles Quiet - Ella Mae Morse
Ice Cream Parade - Steam Powered Giraffe
Ernie Puts Away His Toys - Sesame Street
Dance Myself To Sleep - Sesame Street
The "U" Lecture - Sesame Street
Milkman, Keep Those Bottles Quiet - Ella Mae Morse
The 'U' Lecture - Sesame Street
U: 'U' Lecture - Sesame Street
Bert Ernie 2 - Muppets
O: Would You Like To Buy An 'O'?...
Would You Like to Buy an "O"? - Sesame Street
26 Lettaz In Da Alphabet - Linkin Park
The Limerick Song (Come On and Sing Along with Me)...
Ernie Writes A Story - Sesame Street
Fastest Gun in Town - Roxx Gang
Takin' Turns - Sesame Street
Naptime - Sesame Street
So Sick - Benefit
Soph (spoken word) - Bette Midler
Severity Town - Grobschnitt
Tommy's Holiday Camp - The Who
Tommy's Holiday Camp - Who
Bert Ernie 1 - Muppets
Hanalei Road (Lorelei's Song) - Courtney Jaye
4 Guns West - Joe Perry
How's Ernie - Fred Eaglesmith
Ernie Borrows A Vacuum - Sesame Street
The Rhyming Game - Sesame Street
XX/XY - Whyte Seeds
The Four Seasons - Sesame Street
Cell Block Tango (He Had It Comin')...
Crucial Velocity - Clutch
Milkman - EMA
Milkman - E.M.A.
Milkman of Human Kindness [*] - Billy Bragg
The Milkman Of Human Kindness - Billy Bragg
Imagine That - Sesame Street
Fastest Horse in a One Horse Town...
The Fastest Horse in a One Horse Town...
Tommy's Holiday Camp - Who
The Outlaw - Valhalla
Tiger Hunt - Sesame Street
Kansas City Milkman - Level 42
Somewhere Between Ragged and Right - John Anderson
Somewhere Between Ragged And Right...
Opening Sing-Along Theme - Sesame Street
Back to Earth - Steve Aoki
The Sad Milkman - Sally Timms
The Sad Milkman - The Handsome Family
The Sad Milkman - Andrew Bird
The Fastest Guitar Alive - Roy Orbison
Fastest Guitar Alive - Roy Orbison
Geronimo - 22-pistepirkko
(Cody of the) Pony Express - Riders In The Sky
The Fastest Gun in the South - Rochester
Fiddle About - London Symphony Orchestra
Fiddle About - Keith Moon
Fiddle About [#] - The Who
Bert's Brother Bart - Sesame Street
Milkman - CocoRosie
Milkman - The Shouting Matches
Fiddle About - Who
Fastest Thing Alive (TV Theme) - Sega Sound Studio
The Fastest Man Alive - Grandmaster Flash
Fastest Man Alive - Grandmaster Flash
I Wish My Eyes Were Ernies - Toy Dolls
Have You Seen My Baby? - Moby
Ernie - Fat Freddys Drop
Ernie - Madness
Ernie - Fat Freddy's Drop
How Things Grow - Sesame Street
He Said She Said - Bell X1
My Very Good Friend the Milkman - Derek Paravicini
Ain't No Road Too Long - Sesame Street
Angeline Is Always Friday - The Seekers
Angeline Is Always Friday - The Seekers
Angeline Is Always Friday - Seekers
The Rumrunner Blues - Anchoress
Fast Friends - Paul Dempsey
Fast Friends - Something For Kate
No Good - Emily Wells
Fastest Healing Wounded Heart - Michelle Wright
Household/Holiday Blues (Ernie & Edie Duet)...
I Hear Music - Blossom Dearie
I Hear Music - Bing Crosby
I Hear Music - Nat King Cole
I Hear Music - Anita O'Day
Have You Seen My Baby - Moby
Have You Seen My Baby - Randy Newman
Have You Seen My Baby? - Randy Newman
Her Secret Weapon, Infected Needles - Beau
Make It Grand - Kashmir
That's All - Tennessee Ernie Ford
Put Down The Duckie - Sesame Street
A Romance For Perverts - Descenters
Fastest Gun Alive - The Tubes
Have You Seen My Baby? - Flamin' Groovies
Have You Seen My Baby? - Fats Domino
Let Em In - Paul McCartney
I hear music - Brisa Roché
Round Are Way - Oasis
Sky Flying By - Samiam
Have You Seen My Baby - Ringo Starr
Do You Think It's Alright \/ Fiddle About - Who
Let'em In - Paul McCartney
Let'em In - Paul McCartney
Breastfed - Bell X1
The Fastest Gun Around - Marty Robbins
Milk - Stormtroopers Of Death
Body M, F Count - Body Count
Lightning Bolt - Vybz Kartel
Bert And The Beanstalk - Sesame Street
What The Milkman Saw - Reverend And The Makers
Have You Seen My Baby (Hold On) - Ringo Starr
Orange Blossom Special - The Stanley Brothers
Orange Blossom Special - Ralph Stanley
Orange Blossom Special [#] - The Stanley Brothers
Orange Blossom Special - Kitty Wells
Orange Blossom Special - Roy Clark
Orange Blossom Special - Billy Vaughn
Orange Blossom Special - Hank Williams, Jr.
Orange Blossom Special - Jerry Rivers
Orange Blossom Special - Hank Williams
Hood Life - Conejo
Do You Think It's Alright? - The Who
Do You Think It's Alright? - Who
Do You Think It's Alright? - Who
Couldn't Care Less - Barenaked Ladies
Taxi Driver - Hanoi Rocks
The Redness In The West - The Lawrence Arms
Road Runner - Josie And The Pussycats
Untasted Honey - Kathy Mattea
The West - Ty Segall
The West - Ty Segall
The West - Blu
I Hear Music - Dakota Staton
I Hear Music - George Shearing
Let 'em In - Wings
Let 'em In - Wings
Plane That Draws A White Line - Alias & Tarsier
Chuckie's Gone - Toby Keith