Do You Swear To Tell the Truth, The Whole Truth & Nothing but the Truth so Help Your Black Ass
Amanda Palmer & Neil Gaiman

when i was six years old my sister alyson

asked for a stove for her birthday

a miniature one you could actually cook with

and my mom was nice and she bought one


alyson needed a reason to bake something

barged in my room and she grabbed me

she said:

i made a cake and we're going next door

to sam weinstein's and you're getting married


the cake was burned

it tasted gross

she made me kiss him

on the mouth


now i am 33

unmarried happily

no plans in life and i'm planning to keep it that way

i do kissing with only one mission

do you like to kiss? then you have my permission


and i have already spent too much time

doing things i didn't want to

so if i just want to make out all the time

you can bet your black ass that i'm going to


when i was nine i was kind of a loser

the kids in my class didn't like me

melanie chow was the meanest of all

and my mom made me go to her party


nobody talked to me i sat there quietly

drawing with crayons on a napkin

a picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork

her legs getting eaten by lions


the cake was good

i took some home

i had a party

in my room


now i have friends and i'm not such a loser

but i go to bars all alone and i sit there

and order red wine and i write and i like being alone around people

yes that's how i like it


and i've already spent too much time

doing things i didn't want to

so if i wanna sit here and write and drink wine

you can bet your black ass that i'm going to


yes i come here often

sure i'll have another one

yes i come here often

sure i'll have another one

but i don't have to talk to you


when i was 17 i was a blowjob queen

picking up tips from the masters

i was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after

now i'm still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)

i don't make love now to make people love me

but i don't mind sharing my gift with the planet

we're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic


and


when i was 25 i was a rock star

but it didn't pay too well i had to strip on the side

of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by

baby they'd never know

what a bargain they'd gotten

and if i'm forgotten

i'm perfectly happy with all that has happened

and i still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me

i'm just so glad to hear laughter around me


and i've already spent too much time

doing things i didn't want to


so if i want to drink alone dressed like a pirate

or look like a dyke

or wear high heels and lipstick

or hide in a convent

or try to be mayor

or marry a writer

smoke crack and slash tires

make jokes you don't like

or paint ducks and retire


YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I'M GOING TO


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Lyrics by Amanda Palmer & Neil Gaiman

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