I was having a bad week – I crashed the car and the cat carked it
Weighed myself outside Woolies and I’d put on 4 kilos
Arranged to meet an old friend for coffee
I poured my heart out – told her all about
Poor dead fluffy, and the bloody car, and did she think I should go on a diet?
She studied my face, trying to frame the words to say
Just the right blend of sympathy and advice
She took a big breath.
And looked into my eyes and she said:
You should go on Australian Idol!
Even if you don’t win, you’ll have a great time.
Don’t worry that you don’t look like a supermodel
They’re even letting fatties on there now so you should be fine.
I said ‘Thanks, I feel a lot better now’
Then I erased her number from my phone
I didn’t know how much we’d grown apart.
The very next day was my birthday.
No one called, except my grandma
And she was drunk, she just needed a lift home from the pub
Then that Sunday night, I went to dinner with my rellies
They said ‘Happy Birthday! Do you mind if we put the tv on?
It’s nearly the final of Australian Idol and
You should go on Australian Idol
You’re much prettier than her – she looks like a pudding
‘You’ll win it no worries love’ said my uncle
And I just turned and looked at him like he was something that I stood in.
And don’t get me wrong – if I turn on the tv and it’s on
I can’t stop watching. Even with the ads
Even with those two dickheads blabbing on between songs
I love to see their spirits crushed, their egos shattered
I love the ones that really suck in the first auditions
I love to watch them sob, their dreams in tatters
And I laugh while I eat my dinner
They’re crying in their 5-star hotel, and I’m cackling on my cack-brown couch
And it’s not that I am jealous, I’m not jealous, I’m not jealous.
The next Sunday, I had a pretty bad hangover
Feeling pretty grumpy
Sitting on the couch, eating Pringles feeling sorry for myself.
I flipped to Channel 10 and before I knew it I was watching a really short guy
Singing that really annoying song by Craig David.
Suddenly I rose to my feet – it must have been divine intervention
I saw the light in front of me, and I screamed!
Why am I watching Australian Idol? (God!)
Am I really reduced to this pitiful state? Jesus!
I may as well just head down to my local karaoke bar
Or better still just change to SBS.
You better believe it – I changed to SBS
So Marcia, Dicko, whatever your name is…
Shove it up your ass!
Australian Idol
Kate Miller-Heidke
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Lyrics by Kate Miller-Heidke
Apartment Are You F*cking Kidding Me? [Live][*] Are You Fucking Kidding Me Are You Fucking Kidding Me? Beautiful Darling Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Bliss Bored With Me Caveman Days Delay Drama Dreams (I Love You) Fire And Iron Four Spare Seats Hello Humiliation I Got The Way In The Dark Jaime Jamie Jimmy Let Me Fade Little Adam Lose My Shit Make It Last Mama Monster My Photo in the Newspaper No Trucks O Vertigo! Out And In Politics In Space Psycho Killer Ride This Feeling River River Of Dreams Rock This Baby To Sleep RU Fucking Kidding Me? Sarah Share Your Air Shoebox Sing To Me Space They Cannot Touch Super Girl Supergirl Thanks For Today The Day After Christmas The Devil Wears A Suit The One Think I Know The Tiger Inside Will Eat The Child The Truth We're Gonna Need Love What Was I To You? Words Your Friends Will Tell You Who You Are Yours Was The Body
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Teenage Idol - Keith Moon
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Tragic Idol - Paradise Lost
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His Sleeping Majesty - Rotting Christ
Spotlight - Athenaeum
Idleidolidyl - Dot Hacker
Day By Day - 12 Rods
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