Almost Round The World
Danny Schmidt

I took a photo of my mother with a puzzle on her face*

She was lost in concentration next to tulips in a vase

And I framed it good with maple wood and I hung it in its place

And I called it Almost Round The World In Less Than Eighty Days

Once I wrote a song about a parrot and a pig

It was mostly about the way I wish I said the things I think

And I played once for people in the Netherlands to see

If it made the same strange sense to them as the sense it made to me

There was a writer from the paper there and he wrote a nice review

That got printed with a photo in the local music news

But the caption read: “A cowboy poet sings about abuse

Of animals in Texas and the things they’re made to do.”

Well I laughed at bad translations and I showed it to my friends

And they posted it online just for the fun and for the fans

And I didn’t think much of it til one day a message came

That said the vegans were erupting and the hunters were inflamed

So I went and read the boards where all the flames were being thrown

And my name was being doused about like fuel upon the coals

The righteous and the roustabouts, the shepherds and the trolls

They were passing around petitions, raising hell and forming folds

And soon the loudest of the louds became the busiest of bees

And it was hard to understand at all, but it was harder to believe

When they somehow woke the NRA like a giant from its sleep

And the beanstalk came a-crashing down and letters fell like leaves

I’ve got an aunt in Arizona, she’s crazy but she’s kind

She’s the kind to open all her mail and to easily subscribe

To the pundits and their politics, the lobbies and their lies

She reads em all like gospel and she eats em up like pie

So imagine if you will the day she called my mom to see

If it’s true that I love terrorists and communists and thieves

Cause it said so in the letter that she’d so easily received

And I rushed to get my camera before my mom could call retreat

So I’ve got this photo of my mother with a puzzle on her face

With the phone against her shoulder and my means against her ways

And the tulips on the table danced in circles while I played

I called it Almost Round The World In Less Than Eighty Days

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