Tom Cruise is so in love with KatieAt least all his people tell him soAnd while he thinks that she's a very special ladyIt's probably not the way he'd choose to goBut a lifetime of longing looks would cause too much distractionGood thing that he's not gay anymoreTom Cruise is Tom Cruise crazyJust be glad it's him, not youIf you had Tom Cruise's troublesYou might be Tom Cruise crazy, tooYou'd flash your big white shiny smileAnd buy expensive shoesBut you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise, oh noYou couldn't enjoy Tom CruiseTom Cruise is always getting olderHe knows he'll never be that young againAnd when Tom Cruise looks back over his shoulderHe sees a thousand younger leading menHe knows someday he'll have to playAn old, retarded grandpaWhile someone younger plays his s*** sonTom Cruise is Tom Cruise crazyJust be glad it's him, not youIf you had Tom Cruise's troublesYou might be Tom Cruise crazy, tooYou'd flash your big white shiny smileAnd buy expensive shoesBut you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise, oh noYou couldn't enjoy Tom CruiseTom Cruise hopes somewhere there's a place for himBecause he's not of this world anymoreSomewhere in some secluded castlePoor Tom Cruise sits staring at the wallAnd the outside world is always such a hassleSometimes he won't go out at allThere are millions who know his nameEverybody loves himWhy is it that he feels so alone?Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise crazyJust be glad it's him, not youIf you had Tom Cruise's troublesYou might be Tom Cruise crazy, tooYou'd flash your big white shiny smileAnd buy expensive shoesBut you'd be the only man on Earth who couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise, oh noYou couldn't enjoy Tom Cruise
Lyrics by Jonathan Coulton
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