My mother said,nthat I never should,nplay with the naughty rude girls in the wood.nnTheir giggling talk,nI could never understand,nAnd that's why I fell in love with my right hand.nnAnd that's why,nn(Chorus)nI'm a wanker,nI'm a wanker,nAnd it does me good like it bloody well shouldnI'm a wanker,nI'm a wanker,nAnd I'm always pulling my pud.nnI was twenty five years old before I was kissed,nAnd then I found that I preferred a swift one off the wrist.nIt's cheap and convenient,nYou can't catch VD,nIt's available at any time,nAnd it's absolutely free.nnAnd that's why,nn(Chorus)nnOh Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters,nThank you for having me and being oh so kind,nI've got pains in my arms,nAnd my dong is growing shorter,nMy knees have turned to water,nAnd I think I'm going blind.nnI've wanked over Italy,nI've wanked over Spain,nI've wanked in an omnibus,nI've even had a wank in a train.nnI've used a badger and a melon and a cat,nAn inflatable Linda Lovelace and a Davy Crocket hat,nnAnd that's why,nn(Chorus)nn'Ere listen!nnOh Mrs Palm and your five lovely daughters,nThank you for having me and being oh so kind,nI've got pains in my arms,nAnd my dong is getting shorter,nMy knees have turned to water,nAnd I think I'm going blind.nn(Chorus x6)nnI'm a wanker!nI'm a wanker!nIt does me good!nI'm a wanker!nI'm always pulling me pud!nI'm a wanker!nI'm a wanker!