The Thieves Banquet
Akala
[Intro: Akala (speaking)]Once upon a time in an obscure part of the Milky Way Galaxy, there was a spinning ball of water and rock ruled by the forces of evil. The Devil himself, proud of the magnificent achievements of his children, decided to call a special banquet for the greatest thieves in all the land. He sent invites to thousands of the greatest murders, rapists and general-assorted scum, inviting them to attend his palace at the dawn of the new moon. Each thief would be given a chance to stake his claim as the greatest messenger of murder upon the planet, and the Devil himself would then decide who should be crowned king. After many days of deliberating, all of the petty thieves, such as street criminals, have been found far short of the required level of wickedness and there were just four sets of thieves left in the competition. They were: the monarchs of empire, a cartel of bankers, the heads of religious orders, and the third-world dictators. Each set of thieves appointed a spokesman to give his case to the Devil. We have recorded these events for posterity.[Verse 1 Intro: Akala]Uh, listenUh, okay, yoFirst up was the thief of the worst reputationDictator of a third-world nationHe looked the Devil in the eye as he spokeIn an oh-so-serious tone[Verse 1: Akala (as the Third-World Dictator)]Dear Mr. DevilI am the greatest thief there has ever been on EarthPlease tell me who else more than me personifies your workI came to power in a military coup, I murdered the elected presidentHe wanted to use the resources of our country for our peoples’ benefitI proved to masters in the westI could kill my own people just as well as the bestSo I took over the so-called independent country when the foreigners leftSent squads of death to those who would suggestIn power should be the one they electErected a statue of the great manThat raped our mothers, stole our landsThat’s how little self-respect I have
Don’t fight slavery, it makes me gladAccount in Switzerland, Rolls RoyceMurder and rape cos I want new toysDon’t want a portion, but a whole fortuneWith that profit, what’s a little bit of tortureEven outlawed my indigenous cultureAnd language and historyAnd taught our people to only worship colonizersAnd of course, ME![Hook]:Thief!It’s the banquet of the thieves!Come and dine with me!It’s the banquet of the thieves!The banquet of the thieves…[Verse 2 Intro: Akala]The Devil was so impressed with this wonderful manHe almost ejaculated on his handsBut the monarch of the empire said,[Verse 2: Akala (as the Monarch of Empire)]Excuse me, Mr. Devil, I’d like to speak if I mayWho do you think trained this amateur dictator to behave this way?Yeah, I’m sure before I came along his country was far from heavenBut look of the carnage I caused all over the Earth, it’s got to be the work of the DevilCountless deaths, mass enslavementDeliberate starvation of whole nationsThe dictator tries his best, but looking at me, he’s just an imitationWho do you think pays his wages?He would love to be trading placesI’ve been doing this ting on the roadsWay back, way back, way backSince the Middle AgesEverybody knows he’s a criminal elementThey think I’m democratic and benevolentAnd that shows that I’m really devilishCos people think I’m heaven-sentI couldn’t care about democracyYou all know no one elected meThe people love me despite my crimesSucka MCs wanna bite my shineSo blingin’ out of control you would vomitDon’t even touch dough, but my face is on it![Hook]:[Verse 3: Akala (as the Head of Religious Orders)]I’m a pervert who’s in the cloak of the clergyYes, I’m a pervert who’s in the cloakI’m a despicable characterI use my position of authority and spiritual reverenceI’m a despicable characterMr. Devil, allow me to speakFor all of the religious leaders that leechIn the world of creeps, I’m initiatedI take the peoples’ faith and dissipate itWith false promises, hollow oratoryDon’t need a gun, it’s daylight robberyDear Mr. DevilI thought you would like itHow I use their faith in God to keep them blindedPut on a nice voice, read them a bookAnd they believe that I am not a crookTell them God will repay them in the nextThey give me their life savings so I can buy jetsAll the reports about child sexNone of us have ever gone to jail yetThis system of stealing, so appealingConvinces the victims their lives have meaningMonarchs boast about conquestBut needed my blessings to get it doneAnd all of the dictators use my booksTherefore, they are just my sons[Verse 4 Intro: Akala]The Devil was sure this was the winnerAnd was just about to put an end to the dinnerBut then the man from the banking cartelStepped up and said,[Verse 4: Akala (as the Cartel Banker)]I think I’m the biggest sinnerAll of those three depend on meAll they ever do is defending meCos I paid for all of the things they haveOf course, and all of the lives they leadPaid for the guns, bombs and the tanksThat’s why you see, there is always moreI turned science’s basic applianceInto a client of weapon and warPaid for monarchies, armed robberiesI make monopolies out of propertyNever shot a gun nor killed anyone myselfBut billions die cos of meWho needs a threat? I make a debtOut of thin air, just sit back and collectEvery single day, whatever they sayThe people need me just to connect itYet none of them knows what I look likeYet all of them spend my money to look niceThey want more, no one’s pureI hold the keys to every single doorSell sex and drugs, profit and liesEarth and skies, I’ll even sell lifeI’ll even sell freedom for the right priceBut no one is smart enough to ask me niceSo Mr. Devil, give me the medalDon’t be biasedIf you don’t give it to meI’ll just BUY IT![Hook]:Thief!It’s the banquet of the thieves!Come and dine with me!It’s the banquet of the thieves!The banquet of the thieves…
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