words and music by Arlo GuthrieThis next song we're going to dedicate to a great Americanorganization. Tonight I'd like to dedicate this to our boysin the FBI.Well, wait a minute. It's hard to be an FBI man. I mean, firstof all, being an FBI man, you have to be over 40 years old.And the reason is that it takes at least 25 years with theorganization to be that much of a bastard. It's true. You justcan't join, you know. It needs an atmosphere where yournatural bastardness can grow and develop and take ameaningful shape in today's complex society.But that's not why I want to dedicate the song to the FBI. Imean, the job that they have to do is a drag. I mean, they haveto follow people around, you know. That's part of their job.Follow me around.I'm out on the highway and I'm drivin' down the road and Irun out of gasoline. I pull over to the side of the road. Theygotta pull over too - make believe that they ran out, youknow.I go to get some gasoline. They have to figure out whetherthey should stick with the car or follow me. Suppose I don'tcome back and they're stayin' with the car.Or if I fly on the airplanes, I could fly half fare because I'm 12to 22. And they gotta pay the full fare. But the thing is thatwhen you pay the full fare, you have to get on the airplanefirst, so that they know how many seats are left over for thehalf fare kids. Right? And sometimes there aren't any seatsleft over, and sometimes there are, but that doesn't mean thatyou have to go.Suppose that he gets on and fills up the last seat, so you can'tget on. Then he gets off then you can get on. What's he gonnado?Well, it's a drag for him. But that's not why I want to dedicatethe song to the FBI.During these hard days and hard weeks, everybody alwayshas it bad once in a while. You know, you have a bad time ofit, and you always have a friend who says Hey man, youain't got it that bad. Look at that guy. And you at thatguy, and he's got it worse than you. And it makes you feelbetter that there's somebody that's got it worse than you.But think of the last guy. For one minute, think of the lastguy. Nobody's got it worse than that guy. Nobody in thewhole world. That guy...he's so alone in the world that hedoesn't even have a street to lay in for a truck to run him over.He's out there with nothin'. Nothin's happenin' for that cat.And all that he has to do to create a little excitement in hisown life is to bum a dime from somewhere, call up the FBI.Say FBl?, they say Yes, say I think Uncle Ho and Chair-man Mao and their friends are comin' over for dinner (click)Hang up the phone.And within two minutes, and not two minutes from when hehangs up the phone, but two minutes from when he first putthe dime in, they got 30,000 feet of tape rollin'; files on tape;pictures, movies, dramas, actions on tape. But then they sendout a half a million people all over the entire world, the globe,they find out all they can about this guy.'Cause there's a number of questions involved in the guy. Imean, if he was the last guy in the world, how'd he get a dimeto call the FBI? There are plenty of people that aren't the lastguys that can't get dimes. He comes along and he gets a dime.I mean, if he had to bum a dime to call the FBI, how was hegonna serve dinner for all of those people? How could thelast guy make dinner for all those people. And if he couldmake dinner, and was gonna make dinner, then why did hecall the FBI?They find out all of those questions within two minutes. Andthat's a great thing about America. I mean, this is the onlycountry in the world...l mean, well, it's not the only countryin the world that could find stuff out in two minutes, but it'sthe only country in the world that would take two minutesfor that guy.Other countries would say Hey, he's the last guy...screwhim, you know? But in America, there is no discrimination,and there is no hypocrisy,'cause they'll get anybody. And that'sa wonderful thing about America.And that's why tonight I'd like to dedicate it to every FBIman in the audience. I know you can't say nothin', you know,you can't get up and say Hi! cause then everybody knowsthat you're an FBI man and that's a drag for you and yourfriends.They're not really your friends, are they? I mean, so you can'tget up and say nothin' 'cause other wise, you gotta get sentback to the factory and that's a drag for you and it's anexpense for the government, and that's a drag for you.We're gonna sing you this Christmas carol. It's for all youbastards out there in the audience tonight. It's called ThePause of Mr. Claus.Why do you sit there so strange?Is it because you are beautiful?You must think you are derangedWhy do police guys beat on peace guys?You must think Santa Clause weirdHe has long hair and a beardGiving his presents for freeWhy do police guys mess with peace guys?Let's get Santa Clause 'cause;Santa Clause has a red suitHe's a communistAnd a beard, and long hairMust be a pacifistWhat's in the pipe that he's smoking?Mister Clause sneaks in your home at night.He must be a dope fiend, to put you up tightWhy do police guys beat on peace guys?
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