The Happiest Boy
The Bedroom Philosopher

When I was thirteennI was abducted by aliensnIn a sunset orangenvaliant with wingsnThe aliens were friendlynThey communicated by break dancingnThey looked like a crossnBetween Gumby, Bjork and Richie BenaudnThey took me to their home planetnMars_79nIt had an iced vovo surfacenAnd a lynx java atmospherenThey sterilised me with towellettesnFed me condensed milk through a tubenGave me an interactive pamphletnAnd teleported all but my pantsnnAnd I was the happiest boy out of this worldnnThe architecture on mars_79 was inspired by the spirographnThey had no words for warnAnd fifty six words for funknTheir main source of economynWas teaching break dancing as a second languagenMainly to interplanetary studentsnCos that’s where all the money isnThe aliens were progressivenThey believed in sex before breakfastnThey paid for stuff in hugsnAnd gave change in kickboxingnThey used trampoline energynAnd kept sideburns as petsnAnd thought flossing a religious experience so they didn’t go to church much nnAnd I was the happiest boy out of this worldnnThen they began their experiments on menProbing me with questions about TVnHome and away they wanted to know if Aisla had diednCos they were nine seasons behindnx-files they wanted to know if Mulder and Scully had smoochednand how they got a documentary to look so well producednI could not speaknI acted dumbnDid I mention I had an instrument up my bum?nFlute.nnThe aliens apologisednThey break danced with tears in their eyesnThey offered to erase my memories of the tripnAnd take me home in a bitnBut I pleaded with them to keep all my memories of themnAnd erase all my memories of TV showsnAnd I was the happiest boy in this world.

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