I wear the same clothes for days at a time.nI've got the weight of a washing machine on my mindnwith the whole world bouncing around inside of it.nnAnd as I talk about doomsday and bands,nI'm letting the chance of a lifetime just slip through my handsnand land on the floor by the bed that I'm lying in.nnI'm having trouble with sleeping again.nI turn to the stack of books that all my friends recommend,nbut I can't even focus on the lines, let alone what's between them.nnSo I surrender and watch some TVnand just feel ashamed of myself for giving into complacency,nbreaking the two packs a day mark days ago.nnAnd I finally paid off the van then I bought na new car with better gas mileage than the van gotnbut I know I'm financing a war fought for greed and bravado.nI know where my taxes gonwhile my taxes know nothing about me.nnMy roommate's boyfriend's a nice enough guynbut still I dread when he's here and I have to say hineven though our conversations never go on much beyond it.nnI don't know when I first got this way.nI think that I used to be someone with something to say,nbut for the first time in my life, I feel more lonely than anything.nnBecause I know people my age with childrennand I know people my age with husbands and wives,neven more people my age with high paying jobs,neven more people my age with miserable lives.nSo it's they that I take shelter under nand let laundry nor loan payments ever put asundernbut help me stay happy inside of these four smoke-stained walls,nwaiting for someone to call,nas I'm waiting to just disappear.