Invocation And Instructions To The Audience
Stephen Sondheim

Gods of the theatre, smile on us.

You who sit up there stern in judgment,

Smile on us.

You who look down on actors… (And who doesn't?)

Bless this yearly festival and smile on us.


We offer you song and dance.

We offer you rites and revels.

We offer you grace and beauty.

Smile on us for this while.

You who sit up there stern in judgment, smile on us.


We offer you song and dance.

We offer you rites and revels.

We offer you gods and heroes.

We offer you jokes and insults,

We offer you (we offer you) paeans and pageants,

Bacchanals and social comment.

Bless our play and smile.


Yes, but first…

Some dos and don'ts,

Mostly don'ts:


Please don't cough,

It tends to throw the actors off.

Have some respect for Aristophanes

And please, don't cough.


Please don't squeak,

We haven't oiled the seats all week.

You wouldn't want to miss a single work of Greek,

It's hard enough for us to hear each other speak

So please, don't squeak.


If you see flaws, please,

No loud guffaws, please,

Only because, please,

There are politer ways.

As for applause, please,

When there's a pause, please,

Although we welcome praise,

The echo sometimes lasts for days…

(Days…days…days…days…)


But first…

(Days…days…days…days…)


Don't take notes

To show us all you know the famous quotes.

And when you disapprove don't clear your throats

Or throw your crumpled programs, coins and coats

Or tell your neighbor scintillating anecdotes,

And please, refrain,

From candy wrapped in cellophane.


If we should get rhetorical,

Please don't curse.


Wait till it's allegorical,

And in verse!

If we should get satirical,

Don't take it wrong.

And if, by a sudden miracle,

A tune should appear that's lyrical,

Don't hum along.


When we are waxing humorous,

Please don't wane.

The jokes are obscure but numerous…

We'll explain.


When we are waxing serious,

Don't squirm or laugh.

It starts when we act mysterious.

And if you're in doubt, don't query us,

I'll signal you when we're serious

(It's in the second half).

(Half…half…half…half…)


But first…

Please, don't leave.

It only makes the actors grieve.

We may have something better up our sleeve,

So please,

Don't leave.


Don't say, What?

To every line you think you haven't got.

And if you're in a snit because you've missed the plot

(Of which I must admit there's not an awful lot),

Still don't

Say, What? (What?)


Do not intrude, please,

When someone's nude, please.

She's there for mood, please.

And mustn't be embraced.

If we are crude, please,

Don't sit and brood, please.

Let's not be too strait-laced -

The author's reputation isn't based

On taste.


So please, don't fart -

There's very little air and this is art.

And should we get offensive, don't lose heart,

Pretend it's just the playwright being smart.

Eventually we'll get to the catharsis, then depart.


And now…


But first…

We start.


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Lyrics by Stephen Sondheim

  \   A Hero Is Coming   A Little Priest   A Parade In Town   A weekend in the country   Agony   America   Another Hundred People   Another National Anthem   Anyone Can Whistle   Anyone Can Whistle (Demo Track) [#][*][Demo Versio...   Anyone Can Whistle [From Anyone Can Whistle]   Arlette By Night   Back In Business   Being Alive   Broadway Baby   Can That Boy Fox Trot   Children Will Listen   Comedy Tonight   Epiphany   Everybody Loves Leona   Everybody Ought To Have A Maid   Everybody's Got The Right   Everything's Coming Up Roses   Finishing the Hat   Gee Officer Krupke   Green Finch And Linnet Bird   Happily Ever After   Have To Give Her Someone   I Must Be Dreaming   I Never Do Anything Twice   I Remember   I Wish I Could Forget You   I'm All For You   I'm Still Here   Incidental Music   Interesting Questions   Isn't He Something   Johanna (From Sweeny Todd)   Ladies Who Lunch   Live Alone And Like It   Live Alone and Like It (From Dick Tracy)   Losing My Mind   Marry Me A Little   Marry Me a Little [From Company]   No Mary Ann   No More   No One Is Alone   Not A Day Goes By   Old Friends   Pretty Women   Second Midnight   Send In The Clowns   Somewhere   Sooner or Later   Take Me To The World   The Ballad Of Booth   The Ballad Of Sweeney Todd   The Boy From   The Miller's Son   The Worst Pies In London   There Is No Other Way   There's Something About A War   They Ask Me Why I Believe In You   This Week Americans   Tonight   Waiting For The Girls Upstairs   Water Under The Bridge   Welcome To Kanagawa   What Can You Lose?   Wo sind die Clowns?

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