The waiting room, what a place for our first kiss
Isn't it weird that we both have the same therapist?
All my time with you was so precious
I know we'll probably wind up being Mr. and Mrs.
Because I wined and dined you at the Ritz, remember that?
I drank so much I got the shits, remember that?
I got you that facial and then that massage, what about that?
But you never would let me give you a colonic
What was up with that?
Whatever
I'm not stalking you
I'm just calling a lot
I'm not trying to upset you
I'm not
Who's this Kevin guy?
I think I should know
I didn't give up three weeks of my life
Just to let you go
Oh no, I don't give up that easy
C'mon, I think we can work it out, sweetie
For 19 days we were in love you fucking bitch!
Oh my god, what did I just say?
I didn't mean it
But you took the dog and all the booze
And I got jack
You know those Betsy Johnson skirts and Prada shoes
I think I want those back, yeah
In fact why don't you just give me back everything I ever gave you, everything
Including my heart, which you took out of my chest, still beating
And threw it on the ground and did some kind of satanic river dance on it
And doused it with gasoline, lit it on fire
And then put the fire out with some kind of meat tenderizer
And as if that wasn't enough
You had to sit on it and let one
I'm not stalking you
I'm just calling a lot
I'm not trying to freak you out
I'm not
Oh, I saw that Kevin guy
I thought you should know
He seems okay
But it's time for him to go
That's right, I think he should get out of the picture right quick
In fact, you know what?
I think he should probably suck my dick
You heard me, I think he should probably suck my dick
I'm fine alone, don't worry about me
I said I'm fine!
See, you don't understand that I know that you're still mine
We've got the perfect relationship
In my head
Just like that one movie
Ted, Bob, Carol, and Alice
Did I say Ted?
That movie that you wanted me to watch, remember?
Maybe, maybe, we should watch it now
Because I got at home and it's on permanent loop in my apartment
You can come over we can shnuggle up and watch your fucking movie
How about that?
If I wanna watch your fucking movie
It's okay, no
I'm not stalking you
I'm just calling a lot
I'm not gonna fucking rape you or anything
Seriously, I'm not
Oh, where's that Kevin guy?
Have they found him yet?
You know, they're looking in the totally wrong place
I bet
Finally got him to suck my dick
In fact why dont both of you suck my dick?
I'm Not Stalking You (I'm Just Calling A Lot)
Andy Dick
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Lyrics by Andy Dick
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