Poor Dave, poor DavenThree months ago his life was a soufflénPoor Dave, poor DavenNumber ten was just a Miliband awaynHe banded words with Tony, kissed a baby, stroked a dognWashed up for the WebCameron, and fessed up on his blognWaited, gleaming pink, to take on BrownnBut suddenly the greasy poles went downnYou expect a big green medal,nAs off to work you pedalnBut that’s not the picture chosen for the newsnFor behind you there’s a LexusnUsing half the oil in TexasnWith your sandwiches, your cell phone and your shoesnOh it really isn’t easy being DavenYou have to be so very, very bravenEach unheralded event is making him less compos mentisnThan a newly fired apprentice, poor old Dave!nIf, alas, you went to Eton,nBe as quiet as Buster KeatonnWhen they talk of education, educationnIf you mention shutting grammarsnThey’ll attack with special hammersnAnd shout two words; one “off”, one “fornication”nIt really isn’t easy being DavenFor politics is more than a close shavenI would rather be called smelly,nOr throw beans made out of jellynAt a cricketer from Delhi than be Dave!nWilliam Hague’s prospects are sunken,nNobody remembers Duncan-Smith,nDavid Davis hasn’t got the knack,nYou’ve defeated Michael HowardnBut you still don’t feel empowered,nEvery sunset you’re afraid that he’ll come backnIt really isn’t easy being DavenWhen your predecessor may rise from the gravenEvery night’s another gamblen(Yes I know I start to ramble)nBut I’d rather be Menzies Campbell than be Dave!nSo in search of propaganda,nYou head of to Rwanda,nWhile England feels ignored beneath the floodnAnd the disappointed Tories,nStill obsessed by former glories,nLoad their shotguns, start baying for your bloodnOh, it really isn’t easy being DavenLeading not so much a party, more a ravenFull of members who harrang ‘em,nAnd then flog ‘em, and then hang ‘emnI would rather be Chris Langham than be Dave!nOh it really isn’t easy being DavenIt’s not a job that any of us cravesnI would rather drown in slurrynSleep with Edwina CurrienEven be a cow in Surrey than be Dave!nPoor Samantha, she must worrynHis replacement (don’t all hurry!)nI would rather be anyone but Dave!nOh I’m glad that I’m not Dave!