(1)I've listened to you *****, I've listened to you whineBut you couscous-eating yuppie jerks have gone too far this timeYour kids are getting fatter and the outlook's rather bleakDespite you putting them on three fad diets every weekSo do you take the blame, and make a change at home?No dammit, you're American! You're born to ***** and moan!And just like every problem, your solution is the same:Your v-chipped cable-ready babysitter is to blame!Cuz every single character in every single showMust be shaped and molded perfectly to help your children growCuz if they're not ideal role models and beacons for good healthYou might just have to be one yourself!And who has time for that?So with your pen of judgment, you turn on your TVPrepared to write down ev-e-ry indecency you see(There's) a googly-eyed Muppet with a coat of navy blueHe grabs a plate of something...hey, that don't look like tofu!And with a ghastly ahm nahm nahm the cookies disappearAnd suddenly the reason for your offspring's size is clearThis glut'nous monster’s brainwashed them and driven them to gorge!Someone must stop this Toll-House-fueled sloth-inducing scourge!Because you're far too busy, you can't teach your kids to seeThat reality is different from what's broadcast on TVSo you know that they'll just emulate the things the puppets doAnd that might reflect badly on you!(Chorus)So now you'reScreaming for the blood of the cookie monsterEvil puppet demon of obesityTime to change the tune of his fearful balladC is for Lettuce, that's good enough for me(2)Well now you start to think, your kid may be depressedEven though each day he sees a different therapistSo you go to his classroom, which is looking rather starkCuz their funds were voted down last year to build a baseball parkThe teacher says he's failing English, history and mathAnd suddenly it's clear what's led him down his darkening pathYou can't call it Failing! That's such a scathing word!We'll just call it Success that's temporarily deferred!Cuz language can be powerful, to raise and to depressThat's why we no longer have Shell Shock we have Post-traumatic stressAnd the only way to keep our precious darlings out of jailIs to make them think that they can never fail!(Chorus)So now you'reScreaming for the blood of the underpaid teacherAfter all your taxes pay her yearly 12 GYou can't change the world, so just change what you call itF is for Almost, that's good enough for me(Bridge)No one understands just how brutal you have itYou wake up each morning and have to fight trafficThen spend all day chained to your laptop and beeperKiss some client’s *** and then play some minesweeperThen hightail it over to your yoga lessonsThen lattes, pilates, and therapy sessionsWhere you whine and ramble and dab your eyelidsAnd complain that you never get time with your kids(3)You've bitched your yuppie heart out, and meddled with the bestBut your brooding fatass offspring keeps deferring his successSo what the hell's the problem? It surely can't be you!It must be all the violence on his new PlayStation 2!Look at this atrocity! There's hoodlums, thugs, and skanksAnd chronic-tokin' gangstas running hookers down with tanksThere's nudity and blood and guts and chainsaws cutting peopleAnd that's just in the new updated 3-D Tetris sequel!And sure there's labels on the games that say that they're matureBut now honestly, just who the hell reads labels anymore?Tell me wouldn't it be easier for parents 'cross the landIf games that aren't for kids were all just banned?(Chorus)Now you'reScreaming for the blood of the game programmerGaming should just be a children's industryPixellated actors should be role modelsM is for Censored, that's good enough for meScreaming for a new place to point your fingerWon't rest 'til the whole world is rated PGDon't stop to think what those letters really stand forM is for CensoredF is for AlmostC is for Lettuce, that's good enough for me
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